I wrote a while ago I would start a new series based on my ridiculous old journals I’ve kept all this time. Written up a published on here…Why not? Coming later than planned but here goes!
I have around 10 journals sat in the back of my wardrobe collecting dust, storing memories. Both good and bad and others painful. For every Thursday in the near future will be TBT a time I thought I would share these journals with people. I am not a good writer nor do I pretend to be. Back in 2008 I wasn’t interested in writing just wanted a friend so I bought my first journal and called “him” Jack and the entries became letters.
In 2008 when I began this journal I was 18,still at college and hating it as well as my life. I lived with family and kept guinea pigs and was in the early nerd stage. These entries weren’t very long so I’ve decided I’m going to do weeks. I want to also point out I have changed names of people mentioned and may have edited out some things unsuitable. Be warned there is strong language.
DISCLAIMER- Through out these journals I refer to several occasions I used to self harm. Some things may be unsettling to most people and triggering to others. I have wrote these entries as I wrote them at at the time. If you find the subject hard to deal with I suggest you do not read further than here. Thank you
Monday 22nd September 2008
10.11pm The Dark Universe
Hello Jack. I have decided to make my first entry in this journal stand out buy writing on black paper with a gold pen. I love Black and Gold. It reminds me of writing on a midnight sky all dark and velvety, making the only light with your fingertips. I love to watch the stars at night and play that game of making pictures out of them too. (Or imagine tiny world’s out there with civilisations)
Today in the dark universe I like to call home,it was alright. I am slowly recovering from my bout of Flu which I have gracefully passed on to my cousin and Nan. Jimmy my guinea pig seems alright amused by my sneezing fits and gagging. I think it’s because he can’t! Jimmys next to me now listening to music, savouring the last few hours before I have to return to the Grim institute.:( well more tomorrow I suppose.
Tuesday 23rd September 2008
Well Jack Grim was alright today. Debra reminds me of one of pavlos dogs. As soon as the bell rings for class she’s drooling over the subject and everything to do with psychology. Then again most of the tutors do. Spent most of the day with my head in a sketch book. Tomorrow I shall have my head in a note book for creative writing. My other love in this world. Where I can create my own world…I’ve kind of created my own universe. I’ve drawn a solar system, written a full history of time,drawn maps, kept diaries from “historical figures”. I’ve created animals and people. A whole new society, a new way of living. I wish that I could live there forever. Just me and you Jack, with Edward and Spart and Wolfgang. I imagine myself as Leah and I’m there in this new universe watching the rising moons and the remarkable colour changing skyline.
Just watching Jimmy daydreaming as ever. He himself is as remarkable small creature. His cute when he sits back admiring himself in him mirror. (His a very vain guinea pig!) He also buries himself when his cold. Ah off I go.
Thursday 25th September 2008
I am sinking back in to a deep depression. I can feel the darkness suckling me in. I know this because I feel like punching everyone and everything. I feel hatred towards everyone and everything too. I feel so unloved and unwanted and annoyed. Sick and sad..I hate it. I’m really annoyed at my mum. She doesn’t care! I had a fantastic day at Grim considering. The lessons were fine. I had pavlos dog watching me all lesson again and Ally. In Allys class I do feel a part of the group in Pavlos dogs class I feel really singled out like I’m a virus that needs closer inspection. Blog. Is no better. The Welsh wonder hates me.i swear on it. She looks at me and judges me all the time because my mobile went off I her first lesson. It was an accident. I’m in her tutor group too. Suzannah had a massive go about my maths. I can’t do it. The class move may too fast for me and I struggled to keep up. I didn’t say anything because everyone just thinks I’m thick anyways. I’ve never been good at maths. Probably never will. Vivs ok. I still think she has a grudge because i quit Art all the time ago. If I were better off financially I’d be an artist now. James is alright. His on the right level with students. His always a good one to talk to. He has been for me but I hate sympathy. I don’t need it and I get a lot of it from him. Poor art school drop out with no friends. I haven’t got any real friends. No one to share everything with anymore. I’ve never had a best friend. Everyone I’ve ever trusted has stabbed me in the back.
Don’t want to think about it given the mood I’m in. It will only make it worse then it will begin and I don’t want that. The thinking. I sound so unstable, I’m not..I just get morbid and panicked and make myself sick and scratch my arms to they bleed because I don’t know what else to do. A good night’s cry helps.
I had some good news to tell mum . something so amazing I could hardly believe it myself. Cathy Cassidy one of my all time favourite authors emailed me about my creative writing. She wants to read some of my stuff. How cool is that! Do you think my family care? “You’re always writing and reading” I always get a bollocking for that. It’s not productive but it’s the one thing I really enjoy. ah I’ve had enough, I’m off to be morbid with a morbid movie maybe “Creep” or “The Grudge” maybe. Good night Jack xx
Friday 26th September 2008
Good morning Jack. I was happy earlier but now feeling really down again. I thought all my dreams were coming true earlier this week. There’s a competition for children in need,a chance to visit the Doctor Who sets as well as Torchwood and Sarah Jane adventures. I love those shows. I am addicted to them but I’m not going to enter. Mum pointed out millions will enter so what’s the point. It won’t be you. Oh I’ve got to go my cousins here…
Depression hit lowest of the low. Maybe the world and life would be better off without me. I’m not wanted around anyway. I have no friends left, they betrayed me, hurting me,hating me. I wouldn’t be missed. Jade will be here then. A new family member to ease he loss of another. She wouldn’t need to know about me. Mum would have to look after Jimmy. I might leave him to Becky. She’d miss me. Maybe I should cut my hand again, watch the blood flow. No one notices anyway. I’m off for a walk.be home later.
Sunday 28th September 2008
7.32pm Another boring Sunday
arugh. I hate Sundays. There the most boring day of the week and it’s the same every single.sunday. Mum makes a huge roast (which I never eat because I don’t like them) and once eevery ones finished eating moans about the washing up. I catch up on DVD’S, TV and movies. Today I caught up with Eastenders, Merlin, Tess of d’Urbervilles And The Simpsons. I have watched 9 episodes of Doctor Who watched two Torchwood and watched Gladiator as well as listened to the soundtrack. I have almost finished my Anio field guide completely and it’s only half 7. Now I think I’m going to listen to Andrew Lloyd Webbers CD and do some writing. I have a new story in mind. Depressions hold is loosening today. I’m not suicidal. I’m considering my own flat. I am recovering and no longer at my lowest. Reading is my mainbtherapy at the moment. I also met a guy called Matt 23, online today. My confidence has grown a bit in some ways about my career choice. Just getting there is the struggle. I best go. I have Law and psychology homework to do.when will college end? Speak later xx
As you can tell even then I was a bit all over with choices and feelings and felt unsure about everything. More next Thursday. Take care Fusionists
Love MJ xxx