NEW BLOG!

As fusion has ended, I’ve started a new chapter, I’ve started a new Blog. if you’re interested and still wish to follow our adventures through to our next chapters give us a view.

Thanks again for all your love support and friendship throughout the years, each and every view comment and share has been widely appreciated. much love always

MJ xxx

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Check out INSTAMUM
www.instamum525.wordpress.com

 

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The end is……Here…..

Wow where is this year going?

Greece was gorgeous as expected, my first time abroad and on a plane is something I definitely won’t forget in a hurry. A full week in the sun (22-29 degrees) reading books, something I haven’t done in such a long time, something I’m happy I’ve been able to continue since I got back.
My only issue has been adjusting back into a busy life with a child who doesn’t listen, a partner who does bare minimum, a hyperactive Labrador who is bigger than she thinks and a cat who I’m sure since I got home has wanted to kill me.

My son has been the stuff of nightmares this week. His developed the attitude of an 18 year old, sulky, tantrums, kicking off other the smallest things and being just obnoxious. I’m sick to death of telling him to sit on his plastic chair properly, to stop shouting at the top his lungs at 6am ‘ITS MORNING!’, telling him to wash his face and brush his teeth and get dressed this takes at least 10 reminders, a handful of tantrums and a lot of shouting from me and daddy) and you know what our 4 year old ‘hero’ says? ‘I forgot’ HOW DO YOU FORGET WE DO THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY!
I was put off having my own, but the more I think on it, I want to build our little family more, especially when James and I are in deep discussions about buying a family home, weddings and all that other stuff I never dreamed I would do in my life. Even though Rowan is the trying one at the moment, its nothing I cant cope with.

I think our worse night was Wednesday where he refused point blank to eat spaghetti bolognaise, which he’s eaten so may times before, he sat on the stairs a grand total of three and a half hours with tears, tantrums, screaming, and finally gave in and ate it. Currently writing this with him sat on the stairs for messing about when his supposed to be doing homework, crying over his lost desert. If he’d done as he was asked almost half an hour ago, he’d still have the joy of ice cream after dinner, the chance of watching a Dinosaur film and praise instead of warning, yelling ect. From us. Do kids see it like that? Of course not. I just wonder when did I get so parent-y?

Everyone else has had the ‘joys’ of carrying their children, getting to know them since day one and here I am, less than two years into our relation a full time mum to an instant 4 year old? Finding stuff like step parenting online is stupid. Its so hard to find someone else who end in these ridiculous situations where one minute you’re in a relationship with a man who has a son to being a full time mother. Mostly you don’t hear about Fathers being the ones who get full time custody of their children. Or of mothers who cant be bothered with their kids so give them up.

Because this is the case I want to start a step mum blog, I’m not sure if I’ll return to Fusion, its been a few years and new my life is taking a new direction I feel this blog is coming to an end. its followed me throughout some tough times in my life but now I’m heading into my future I feel I no longer need this blog. I will keep it open. Just in case,

Thank you to all my loyal followers who have been their throughout the years, I hope some of you will follow me over on to my new venture. Thamk you all

All my love

MJ xxxxx

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Parenting—-why would you?!

Where is the time going? Half way through April already!

What’s more shocking is I go to Greece Saturday and it doesn’t feel like I booked it in February. Been a weird couple of month since I last blogged. Want to try to make this a regular thing again. I do miss it actually and its an hour or so I actually get to myself.

Everything’s OK I guess. Had behaviour issues with minion, where his been really naughty at school. Where I had to be a real adult and attend school meetings and even though I’m 27 it’s still scary getting called into the head teachers office. His been a nightmare by the sounds of it. Am proud that we actually got him up to date on all his reading. He was behind for ages but we worked hard and finally got him up there. It’s just behaviour now. It (before Easter) had been appalling to say the least. Not listening, playing up, back chatting and even destroying school property. His behaviour was the same at home, was disgusted really. He went from bad to worse and I was literally at the point of walking away. I kept thinking his not my child why the hell should I take this crap? Lucky for James and Rowan I stayed, endured, stressed myself to oblivion but got through it. HE spent a week
At his mothers if that’s what you can call her. He soon changed his tune.

Before he went he wanted to back there, he went the Friday afternoon, when it got to the following Thursday, he wanted to come home. He told his dad he wanted to be with us and not his mum. According to HER he’d been naughty the entire time, broken everything he’d touched and was just not a pleasant child. He’d been fighting with the other kids (Yeah, she has another son and took on her partners son, four months younger than Rowan full time. After she gave Rowan away) and basically everything that was wrong that week was his fault….sure, five kids in the house and its his fault. Funny right? So any ways it got to Saturday and he came home and he was super happy to be home. I’d enjoyed the week of peace I wont lie, was nice to sleep in to gone 10 and not have to thing for everyone in the house, but I had missed him a little. We asked Rowan if he had fun, He said yeah but not too sure, we asked and he said a week is too long so we agreed 3 to 4 days in future and he said ‘Mummy doesn’t want me that long any more, she said I’m a danger to other children’ Well I wasn’t impressed. In fact I was so mad I was shaking. Rowans 4 years old. Who says that to a 4-year-old. I stood up for my boy said my bit…..and I got in trouble for it! Yep. James ended up in this long conversation with HER and yeah I got snapped at by my LOVE for standing up for my boy.

It’s such a hard position to be in. Rowan sees me as his mum, I look after him minimum 28 days a month, 3 out of 7 days a week it’s just the two of us, I do everything around the house and everything he needs like booking appointments sorting out his school stuff, making sure he gets all his homework done, read books with him, but I’m not allowed to say when someone is treating him wrong. I feel like a glorified baby sitter. I don’t get paid, I do it because I love them, so much I need to say something if someone is being horrible to my child. I can’t win. It’s still bitter now.

Any way’s, I asked Rowan what he’d dome with his mum, nothing, He said he’d been out once that week (7 in a two bedroom flat) and that was just to see his dad on the Thursday market. He’d spent the entire week in front of the TV, or playing Minecraft n the Xbox which we’re mad at. HIS 4!! he shouldn’t be playing video games!! So this week I’ve got him out as much as possible.
Had a few firsts too, We went to Magic Castle soft play, Bowling, cinema, his had play days with my niece and Nephew, his had more fun this week than his probably had in his life.

Apart from parenting life’s been pretty quite. Wedding planning, setting up my new business which I’m so excited for. (links on Blog page) and we booked our Disney holiday finally. Suppose given all the drama and the crap we still have a lot to look forward to, I know things get hard with kids and I wont tell a lie, these last couple of months have put me off wanting and having my own. (No it still hasn’t happened for us yet) I do often question if this is the life I want. Three years ago when I first met James I never thought this would be our life together, rasing his child, working from home and trying and failing to create our own minion whilst planning our wedding. I never believed I would meet anyone let alone get married and have a child let alone a step child. Everything new, and scary and I know deep down despite all the havoc, arguments, hair pulling, I am happy. Yes depression is still very present in my life but I don’t think as much as it once was. The only thing really depresses me if every single month I get another negative test and a visit from aunt fly. Think the heartache lies there. It’s really hard raising someone elses kid knowing it may never happen for you.

Will try to write again in a couple of days, PRE GREECE HOLIDAY POST!

All my love and best wishes

MJ xxx

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The broken dream, A secret wedding and Chuggpatrol

Hello fusionist,

my life am I tired. Its half term and today me and the minion have had a PJ day.  Not because we want to, because I am so ill with this Australian flu the idea of removing my pjs to replace with jeans and a t-shirt is unbearable.  cant believe how fast time has gone since I last wrote.

I have a new laptop now, a ‘I love you’ day gift from the fiancée, which was really needed, the old laptop had a broken keyboard with buttons missing and all sorts. this laptop is nippy and I can game on it. James did good. We’re currently sat in the living room of our new home, me in my Harry potter Pjs, Rowan in his batman ones watching ‘Chuggington’. this is the more bearable choice, if I have to watch another episode of paw patrol or Thomas and his friends I will have a breakdown and cry to someone comes and rescues me if they do…

So anyways its day 4 of Australian flu and honestly my limbs hurt, my head hurts, breathing hurts, talk about taking a hit. it took me nearly an hour to roll out of bed, if James was home today I would still be in it, I’m almost sure. I didn’t even get to work yesterday its been so horrible. as I have nothing to do and minion is quite with his TV show and dunkers, I can get a bit of peace to update the blog.

Well, we’ve been in this house two months now, my old on has ben given up, I suppose it feels like home even though I didn’t pay for it. I don’t pay for anything. I’m basically a full time mum now. even through Rowans at school. I work two days in a job I don’t really like, but the money I earn is mine., which feels weird really. It feels odd after being in a house independently and paying for everything on my own to be in a position now where I don’t need to pay for anything and anything I earn is mine to spend. I’m actually donating a lot to our wedding and holiday next year.  I don’t need anything, and its there is I do.

The wedding plans are coming along, we have an engagement party in June, which is a basic affair which I need to get round to planning properly. Our wedding its self is going well, we have a venue and I have my dream car lined up.  A VW camper van called Dennis to take me to our destination. I also have a date booked to go look at wedding dresses.  I have no idea here to starts with that so I’m glad for the advice. I also have James ring picked out, I just need to choose an inscription for it. The wedding has kept me busy in some ways, life in general is either busy or not, testing or boring. I think my holiday in April and the wedding are the only thongs keeping me going at the moment. I missed out on my dream job working in a day care with dogs, if only I said full time, I would happily be there every day. Am gutted to say the least and part of me did blame this new family based life. going from independence to having responsibility for a child is a huge change.  I cannot always put myself first, not that I did that anyways but the option is no longer available.

its still a struggle though. Rowan plays up. I get that kids do, but sometimes I really feel like I cant cope and give up. his rude, his impatient, he back chats, he argues. he has no respect for anything, like his toys and clothes, I guess that could be the 4 years of his mum not caring and his father spoiling him rotten all the time. We have a happy medium, of caring a lot but rewards only for good behaviour, not because his there and its the only time we’ll be spending time with him. just hard re writing 4 years of discipline, rules and him getting away with everything. His now at the stage his testing us. A lot. But his not winning, he wants the play up its him that’s missing out. No new toys, or stories, no trips out, no fun. his learning slowly but I know we have a long way to go. I have some parenting books to help out, its ok reading them and putting plans into action but if your partner doesn’t follow them you’re fighting a quickly losing battle.

Rowan also has to be tested for Aspersers. his behaviour at school and home are similar, despite being a bright little boy his behaviour stops him from achieving, he’d rather mess about and do things his own way. its really not good. I feel for him and the lack of a real mother he has, and how his situation probably does affect his behaviour. I just wish his mother gave more of a damn for him. he was supposed to go for the day today. Nope she cant have him, her partner isn’t there, so you’re saying you cant have you’re own son on your own but can look after your eldest and your parents 3 kids….what’s wrong with Rowan??? The most kids we’ve had in ur house was 7 that was my 4 god kids, Rowan, and my niece and Nephew, it was chaos but not to the point I couldn’t cope. what a ridiculous woman she is!

Obviously we’re trying with no luck right now. I have tests March 1st to see if I can have kids or not. I’m scared. I’m scared of being told I will never have them. I don’t know how I would cope with that knowledge, especially bring up someone else’s child. I hope everything’s ok and the time just isn’t right.  Rowan wants a little brother or sister for Christmas. a brother he wants to call ‘Chugpatrol’ or a sister called Skylah. I LIKE Skylah. if we have a girl I will have that name. Rowan would be so proud to be the one to pick his little sisters name.

Anyways that was a quick life update, I promised to go play lego with minion so better get to it. hope you’re all well. Take care.

love MJ xxx

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I’m NOT dead!!!

Hello dear readers…..

Happy new year…can I just say I am sorry for the LONNNNGGGGG delay to this post arriving to you. The last few months have been manic and all will explained. My last post let me see was in August and I was babbling on about what……let me read….**scan reads** AH ‘twas my ultimate update…ohhhh the irony….what a place to leave it as this is going to be a mini run down or the events that follow all that stuff and trust me a lot has changed…I mean ALOT….so while I’m sat down with a cuppa my two screen set up, in my Harry Potter PJs listening to S Club 7 on my new wireless headphones (get me!) I will update you…..

I think I’ll do it in stages….Firstly…..Our beloved little dog Sandi passed away shortly after the last post. He went in for a check up and seemed to have improved a lot, he was quiet but he was old and enjoyed walks and playing football in the garden, but at his check up we discovered our poor old boy was in a great pain but refused to show it. We had to do what was best for him even though, 5 months on I miss that cheeky devil more than anything.

That’s the sad bit I suppose….I guess since August life really has changed, well I’ve moved is another good point to make now. I give the keys back on my beloved first single home next week and its very bittersweet. I love the new house, its huge with en-suites and three storeys, I have my cat and my dog but its not quite home yet. Only been here 3 weeks and its not quite home yet but it will be. So why did I move then?

Well as you may remember I was looking anyway and dreading that James was going to be going to Disney and it was going to be horrible and I’d miss him, yep all that happened. Those three weeks were really tough, not only was I on my own with a puppy and a horse (Newfoundland dog) and a lot of stuff happened which I’ll get to soon and yeah it was horrible and testing and I really hated it. Even worse was when I got to single days on his return home I got the flu. I was so mad thinking I’d be too ill to see them the Friday and it got me down which didn’t help, but to my shock and horror they came over early, by they I mean James and Rowan. Was a totally shocked, overwhelmed and drugged up on flu meds that I could barely keep my eyes open. Wow, Rowan and James told me everything was happy so happy to have them home. We got a very excited little man to sleep and James I caught up. It got late and I suggested bed, he didn’t want to, he wanted to do gifts. Surly it could wait to the morning? Nope he wouldn’t take no for an answer, he got me all sorts, stitch stuff as its my favourite, then his mum got me a Tigger Pandora charm then………HE PROPOSED! Not the classic down on one knee thing but it was so good I didn’t know I’d been proposed to. Honestly I was so flued and drugged and tired it took me nearly half an hour to realise what had happened and I said YES! 5th October we got engaged. Still remains one of the happiest days of my life and to know he got it 3 days into his holiday makes it more special. I wasn’t the only one to be missing him, he and Rowan were missing me.

A week later, I became a full time mum. Rowans mum gave him up because she couldn’t cope with him and basically gave him away to us as some weird engagement gift. What sort of mother…..don’t get me started, I cannot stomach the woman, she isn’t a parent, she’s a sucky human who doesn’t deserve Rowan or any of the other kids in her care. Without getting too much into slating my step sons mother, She sees him for a day twice a month and talks to him (if she bothers) once a week….yeah…so following this mad engagement, this full time parenting thing of getting Rowan into a new school, finding us a new family home, again putting myself last we moved and are not a family.

And dear god is it hard. Not even going to hide the fact that I have questioned countless times if this is the life for me? I’ve gone from single to part time daddy’s girlfriend to engaged with an instant four year old, huge family home and more responsibility than I’ve ever had before. I have struggled. I do struggle, there are days I wish I wasn’t wrapped up in this. There are days when I hate getting up knowing I’ve got a mountain of jobs to do, a 4 year old that wants to do everything in his power to piss me off and a fiancée that cannot or will not help because he doesn’t know how. But this is everything I’ve ever dreamed. I’ve always wanted the family. To do the things with my family that I never got to do before, like holidays, days out, Christmas, Easter school stuff, learning and I do love it at time but for me right now it is a struggle.

So that where I’m going to take this blog this year, as my own personal how to cope and help others in the same situation. I have noticed how little there is for being a step parent these days even though its more common now to have parents that are separated. Fusion has been with me longer than my relationship and I have loved recording all my random little ventures on here but this is my next big adventure and I’m excited to share it with all my loyal readers.

Now I’m not going to lie, I’m falling asleep at my keyboard, so to next time, hopefully not as long as before

 

love MJ xxx

 

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Ultimate update #2

I was flicking over some of my older posts and before I carry I wanted to clear up all loose ends before I start concentrating on the future and what’s next for me and this blog. As we all know my ideas don’t always go to plan, in fact I don’t think any of them do but it never stops me trying new things. So lets start.

What’s New?

Not much really. I have a few things going on at the moment and plans but they should be covered as we tie up some more loose ends, but right now answering that question, there isn’t really anything new.

What’s the career plan now that counselling failed?

I can’t believe it was a year ago I was studying counselling. Where has that time gone? After the huge flop I was dismayed and upset and felt really hopeless but James my inspiration, a hard-working individual has taught me to do what you love. I know I’ve said this before but he really loves his job, I know this because he doesn’t stop talking about it. Now that’s passion. I have a passion. I love being creative and I love animals. I do have a plan and with what I expect to be a very slow beginning, I have started or in the process of starting up my own business, I have a few idea and hope to be sharing them with you all soon. Watch this space.

How are the pets?

I’ve not had much luck with the pets recently, as I have written previously I lost two of my cats, meaning one day they went out and didn’t come home. Elmo left us in November and after searching for months and months, have ended the search with firm belief that if he wanted to come home he would, I think his found another less chaotic home with people who love him dearly. He is chipped and I live in home one day my boy will return. Bandit went missing February this year. As this was totally out of his character we were instantly worried he’d been hit by a car or something else. Again after months of searching and nothing I’ve come to believe my poor boy has left us to ‘Cross the rainbow Bridge’ The day Bandit went missing he was a bit under the weather. I was going to see how he improved in the day before taking him to the vets, but he ventured out and never returned. I think with cats the not knowing what happens to them is the thing that hurts the most. I miss them dearly and still look when I’m out in case I may spot them. Blue is good. He recently was chipped in case he wanders off like the other two, but he really doesn’t enjoy the outside world alone. His more happy to sit in the garden with me or James. I think his enjoyed being a solo cat to be honest and I believe that’s how he will remain, after losing the other two I don’t have any intentions to rescue, adopt or buy any more cats. I think Blue had adjusted to being a single cat very well and wouldn’t appreciate an intruder now.

Sandi out old boy, I will admit isn’t too great at this moment in time. He has back troubles and most of his days he spends in bed. His not active any more and can no longer go for walks. His happy enough though. Recently he had a collision (accidental) with a small child…the child ran into him and jarred his neck and back. His been a bit worse off since. He has prescribed pain meds which help him but after discussing with my mother about his quality of life, we have booked him into the vets to see if there’s anything else that can improve his state and if not we may take the decision to have him put to sleep. As hard that is to write, it’s not fair on the dog if his living his days in pain. I often question putting animals to sleep because we have to make that decision and we can’t communicate with our beloved pets I often think, do they want to die? Do they even know what’s happening? I know we have all these beliefs about religions and afterlife and what’s next so to speak but what animals? Do they know? Do they welcome it? I had to make this decision for my beloved Tess and I hated it, I don’t really want to make the same choice for Sandi. Hopefully there’ll be something to make him feel better so we wont have to take that route.

I don’t know if I wrote before we got a hamster, Cleo. We got her back in March and she’s a cutie. Sadly we may not be keeping her for much longer as much as it saddens me again. Blue who totally ignored her has now developed an unhealthy interest in her and is worrying her a little. I can’t get her out as much because the cat wont leave her be. It may not happen as we love Cleo our little diva a lot but I also want to put Cleo’s welfare first. I wouldn’t like to live my entire life in a cage and never venture any where. Again its one of those we’ll have to discuss and decide for her. I will keep you posted in all areas as always.

How is life?

What a question to ask myself. Its OK. Not what I want right now, meaning there’s a lot I want to do and changes I NEED to make, and have started. There’s a lot of decisions again I need to make for myself and not worry about other people, that I do all the time. I need to decide what’s best for me. At the moment, I am trying to move house. I want to move into a slightly bigger house but am in a position where I can’t. Just a lot of small niggle things that I need to sort and its the small niggly things that bug us the most am I right? I love my hose and have for 4 years but I’m not 100% happy here any more and I don’t know why. In general I’m happy most of the time. Things do get me considerably down still and my anxiety and depression play on it and things do still get on top of me a lot. I need to learn to think for me and not everyone else. I need to stop worrying about other people and do what I need to and what to. I need to stop waiting for my boyfriend to make up his mine about us and what he wants. There are two of us. I need to put myself first and make the moves towards the things to make me happy. I have started which I’ll get to soon.

What happened to dieting diaries?

Funnily enough, Dieting diaries will be making a return next week. The last diet I tried I really wasn’t in a good place and lapsed back into my old ways. During this period I gained about a stone, starved it off myself (literally and I’m not proud of that either) and then gained all back on again. I’m back at slimming world now like I was originally with a bigger support circle, Becky James and Vicky are all with me. Which is nice and I am enjoying it more this time round. I have a new group and group rep? I don’t know what you call them and she is far more supportive than our previous one and I have made a really good start. I’ll post my season 3 Dieting diaries later this week. Keep a look out for it 🙂

What happened to Fusion Fiction and films?

Well the main reason was time. I didn’t have enough time to read an entire book and go to the cinema to watch a new movie but I will be doing to odd reviews here and there so they’ve not vanished.

Did you start a Vlog?

Not yet. Hopefully soon when have a bit more time. I really want to Vlog but it’s also a confidence thing. Putting yourself on the internet leave you open for criticism and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that just yet. Maybe in the autumn.

Do you still have a Facebook page?

No. I no longer use Facebook as I found it too depressing and a source of my anxieties. I haven’t used Facebook for around 4 months now and have noticed a big improvement. I use Instagram and find the environment a lot happier, you can follow me, MJwhite525.

Will Fad Friday return?

In a way it’s never left. I do have passions and crazes I regularly share on my blog it may be on a Friday or it may be on a Sunday. It’s just not under that name any more.

How did the Pokemon reading challenge go?

In all honesty I didn’t do it. Again it was a time and a lack of interest in reading. I will review the challenge soon and pick some new books to read and come back to it. I am slowly getting back into reading again.

Why didn’t throwback Thursday work?

I found it too triggering. My old journals aren’t full of the happiest of memories, I didn’t tend to focus on the good as I used my journals as a venting space and to write about all the things that I couldn’t say out loud. After reading through one journal I felt it wasn’t something I wanted to relive just yet. Maybe in 10 or 20 years down the line I will but for now I’ve wrapped them up and stored them in the shed to that day.

Are you still in a relationship?​

yes. James and I have been together coming up 10 months now. We are building a life together and hopefully soon will be living together.

Do you still game?

I do! Between James and I we have a PS1, PS2, Xbox 360, a Nintendo Wii, a PS4, a PSVR and various handhelds. I don’t game as much as James but I do enjoy the odd hour here or there. I also assist write game reviews for James Blog. (link below)

Who’s Raven?

Raven is James and I’s new Black Labrador puppy. She is currently 10 weeks old and will have her own post days to update you all on her progress and how she grows.

What should we expect from Fusion?

More posts. I cannot promise I can blog regularly, but I love blogging and sharing things with people and I want to make the time to do these things. I have features I love writing and want to continue to write am going to make the effort to keep it going. Thank you all for being such loyal followers. I appreciate each and every one of you!

Take care

MJ xx

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Hello there!

Hi! my name is Raven!

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I’m a 7 week old Black Labrador who is coming to live with my new scribbler mumma and fuzzy faced daddy next week. I was born May 27th and have four sisters and three brothers. There’s a lot of us! My doggy mummy is called Missy, shes a good mummy and always catches us when we’re being naughty, she takes good care of us and is teaching us how to be good puppies for when our humans come to take us home. I will be sad to leave my mummy but my human mummy said I will be seeing her again, lots of times so i shouldn’t be said. I will also be seeing my sister who hasn’t got a name yet.  I haven’t met my daddy, but I have been told he’s a gentle yellow Labrador who is a real show dog from crufts and stuff. I wont be a crufts dog but i am going to be a special dog called a family dog. My mum said its my job to look after my humans and make sure they don’t do anything really silly like forget where they live and eat all their food themselves.

I do have a lot to learn and my biggest adventure will be leaving my mum and brothers and sisters but I’m looking forward to sharing all my fun and adventures with my human mummy and daddy with you all. well got to go, its nap time and Buddy always steals the best spot when i’m not there!

Wags and Licks Raven xx

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My Family

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first time trying nommy food!

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Nomming my daddy’s beard! It tastes funny!

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Cuddles with my new human mumma.

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These new Humans are tasty!

 

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Daddy cuddles!

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Goodnight from us all x x x x

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