All I want is sleep…

Dear Fusionists 

What a day. You ever have these mental images of people and life and how it should be? Yeah mine is way off. Like miles and near impossible. Firstly my family sucks at being a family. They argue, don’t communicate unless it’s through me, and they do my head in! Yet again I had a rough night or being awake all night,  giving in at 4.45am and getting up again. Was throughly fed up. What got me more fed up was the boyfriend NOT boyfriend near enough being awake all.night too and not saying a word of hi…? What am I supposed to think? Then I discover my charger burnt itself out. It was lucky not to have started a full fire and to be honest I couldn’t care less.

I decided to spend the day “aloof” and to be off if anyone messaged especially to the BFNBF (boyfriend Not Boyfriend) which seems petty but I don’t care. How can you be in a “unofficial couple” what is that? What does it mean?! I can’t live my life like that. To be it’s like having the best of both words the best parts of being single but all the benefits of a relationship. Does that make sense? Ugh why can’t I find a guy without a million complications involved. I really really like BFNBF and it’s weird because I’ve been single for almost 5 years (causally dated in between) but never actually liked someone this much and it feels one sided and yeah it a hurts a little. I would be grateful for a straight answer but I never get one. So being aloof hasn’t really made him realise yeah I am pissed at you. What kind of game are you playing? I’m close to calling it a day to be honest, just to save myself later on down the line.

So anyways I was happy in my own pokemon hunting bubble then ran into my brother sister in law and the minions. Minions were in a foul mood as we’re the parents but I felt inclined to tag along.  6 hours later mother is driving us home I have returned to my armchair watching Disney movies my mind full of everything and all I really want to do it sleep. It’s almost 7pm if I sleep now I’ll be away at 11 and that’s the night opened up.

Supposed to be going Lincoln tomorrow with BFNBF but I’m not holding my breath. I will probably see him Saturday and Monday when we all (Becky, Rowan, me and himself) go Cleethorpes for the day. I’m going to struggle so bad and it makes me look pathetic. Right now I’m just mad and tired. 

Just another 4 hours to get through. Ugh 

sorry for the random post just need a distraction  :(

Love MJ xxx

Posted in blog | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“Oh the feels” 

Dear Fusionists,

Sadly this post isn’t going to be much better from the last. Where to start? These last few weeks have been L-O-N-G. My buddy insomnia has returned and on average a week I get around 22 hours sleep if any at all.i have no idea how I’m still upright and functioning like a human. My diet and food intake are below average and is basically next to nothing. No appetite and everything tastes like copper.  Awful. And to go with all this my emotional level rockets from super crazy happy to “end my life” depressed in a space of minutes. Can’t cope with it. 

To be honest I don’t know why this is occurring again. I’m in a ok place. Been in worse circumstances but for some reason I’m like nope, I give up. It was my granddads 5th Anniversary of his passing this week which is always painful. I chock when it comes to talking and out grandad and the day he died. I hate myself for not going to visit him. I hate myself. I chose to go to the cinema with my now ex while my grandad died alone in a hospital corridor. Heartbreaking. The one man in my life I looked up to, who taught me a lot,  I let die alone. Always that day I suffer with guilt and hope he forgives me. I’m told it will pass and time heals.

Still feeling meh about university too. What am I going to do? I’ve lost my way.  I found a university but I don’t know if it’s what I want anymore. I struggled with the first term so what’s it going to be like 2 years down the line? What if I’m not cut out for it? What’s next? I get different opinions from everyone I ask and none of them are helpful really. 

I guess I just have a lot on my mind and not many people to vent to that 100% get it. I’m not getting any space or time for myself and that’s really important. I use it up helping everyone else without thanks or thought.😦 I just feel rubbish 9 out of 10 times. No one really notices to be honest anyways, you get good at hiding things and I don’t want to worry anyone. People have their own problems they don’t need to hear about mine. It’s not fair. I’m tired. It’s not even the lack of sleep it’s the mentally draining day to day activities and keeping up a shield and composer to appear ok. 

Some people don’t get the amount of energy it requires getting up every day when you had 2 hours sleep and you’re brain is screaming just give up you’re not worth it. It’s hard. The other day before work I’d had 2 hours sleep and woke up after a awful dream and just cried for 4 hours to i went went to work. Got through work smiling then came home and carried on from where I left off in the morning.

I obviously have a past with depression, self harm, suicide etc so my past is tainted and so is the trust people have for me. I know I’m being watched constantly, I know people discuss me and the way I go about things. I’m sure people are waiting all the time for me to hack at my arms again and then “try to help”.I wish people would believe me when I say I won’t do it again. I won’t. I don’t want to hurt anyone. i saw what my actions did to my friends. Especially Becky.  I hate myself for that. Why should people suffer on my account. It’s selfish of me. I won’t lie it’s crossed my mind many times. I’ve wanted to do it. Cutting is a addition. I don’t care what anyone says. When things get bad you do go back to it. like I said I can’t talk about it.

My mum had a go at me for a scratch on my wrist from gardening. James got mad at me for not eating when we went out. I was tired that day, I’d looked after 26 kids on 2 hours sleep and had no time to myself. I didn’t want to let anyone down so I made myself go out. Be social. I was treated like a defiant child. Made me feel so guilty in was ruining the night so tried to keep a bit of distance. When I saw James the next day (after 3 hours sleep) he commented I’d stopped sulking. My mood wasn’t any different from the night before, I was just better at hiding it. It did hurt a little. Guess he doesn’t know the energy it took to be there or how much after the eating thing i was crying on the inside and all I wanted from my friends was a hug and to maybe notice. Never happened  it how are they supposed to know if I don’t say anything. But I don’t want to. So difficult to explain.

I don’t want to moan about my friends. I’m so lucky to have them. I appreciate them so much, I love them. I just don’t want to worry them. I’m trying hard to get through this rough patch again, I’m making myself go out and be social and go out with Becky and James when the idea mostly makes me feel nervous and sick. But I do it. I just want trust in return. Trust my judgement and that I am ok. It will pass it always does.

I don’t think this post makes any kind of sense but it may mean something to someone in a similar position. Hope to feel better by the weekend and have a happier post for you. Sorry for slacking 

Love MJ xx

Posted in blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Harry Potter and the Pokemon Quest: A tale of University Woes 

Dear Fusionists,

Sorry it’s been a while again, I suck I know. Listening to David Bowie hugging my baby Snorlax with Harry Potter illustrated laid across my lap and I feel so numb.

This week in particular has been trying but I have alot to cover so make sure your comfortable.

The Good

The market

Let’s start here! I have somewhat overcome some social anxiety thank you to my beloved buddy James. Last Saturday  (30th July) it was kind of a festival called Mablethorpe Illuminations. It’s a huge market with entertainment and fireworks and fun..I worked with Ja.es in the market and even though all week after I agreed to do it my anxiety was hell. Several times I was going to change my mind, I was so panicked I didn’t sleep for about three days and the night before I had a huge panic attack. I must have thought up every bad thing that could possibly happen while working on a market, was thinking strangers, maths, people, nasty people, being alone, screwing up royally…I got there at 8 am to give me a few hours to calm my nerves  walked to the beach and was quiet chilled there for a couple of hours

After I went and met James and I won’t lie the 5 hours flew by without any major hiccups. I was happy not a wreck, the people were nice and even though I was “alone” it wasn’t a bad experience. Am proud of my self throughly. 

Hedgehogs 

As it’s the summer holidays the library put on some events for the kids, last week was the 150th anniversary of Betrix Potter and we had a very cute guest. We had a hedgehog! She was called Hannah approximately a year old and I was so surprised how big she was. I have seen hedgehogs before, we used to have Robbie the hedgehog in our old garden in Manby we used used to feed but he was quiet small. Was actually a fun day to be working.

Harry Potter and The Cursed Child 

Sunday this amazing script for the live action play thingy on London..Alot of people felt jipped as it’s not a book it’s a script and alot of people moaned because it’s not actually written by J.k Rowling even though it says clearly on the cover BASED ON j.k Rowling s work. I throughly enjoyed it..jus made me want to see see the play and how they would put all this on a stage..I mean seriously. The story its self is really good even though there were a few moments I was iffy about like some characters had died and others not even mentioned but overall it was so good to step back into that world. Anyone who has read all the books ad know them inside out and back to front would only need a script to imagine the characters and places all over again. Loved it now will have to battle against everything to get tickets!! 

Pokemon GO

Love this game. I have a vapourian. Enough said.

The bad

where so I start? Probably the biggest destressing thing to happen to date, I am no longer a university student. And I feel sick and sad and disheartened by the entire experience. Firstly I failed my assignment. Fair enough I can retake it but then the university email me to say that they’ve cancelled my loan due to the university. After.much talking the university have told me it was cancelled as I’d failed to submit any work and hours. Okay I did 35 hours plus studying a week. It was all clocked onto my account . I was convinced it was some sick joke. Sadly not. I had an opportunity to start over from the very beginning but I was so upset and mad at the possibility of another 6 months of screw ups I quit.  Yesterday I spent all day near enough crying. My dream again being ripped away after I’d tried so hard again. It wasn’t even my fault either. 
Today I tried and failed to find another university near by that could offer the same sort of hours in my circumstance. There are none. More crying. I honestly feel like such a fail. I really don’t know what to do next. I am so stuck I feel so tapped and down I would happily give up my house, my friends my family and my life. It’s so tedious trying and trying and NEVER getting anywhere no matter how much you try. 

All my friends seems to walk into good things.  Jobs, university, families and I spend every day fighting the tide trying to to drowned but I am drowning. I can’t breath,I  am think and I’m sinking into blackness and I don’t want to come out of it. Why? Nothing can hurt me In  there because there is nothing there. There’s nothing at all. Only peace.

I think I’m allowed to feel a bit sorry for myself and hatred and mad. I’m allowed some me time to plan my next actions (if I can) but I’m in no rush..sick.of being screwed over. sick of failing at life. Sock of my life. 

Anyways I’m going to go and crawl into bed with my baby Snorlax and attempt sleep. Have to be social tomorrow..joys.

Love MJ xx 

Posted in blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Reviewing matters with a Whistling Window

Hello Fusionists

I have this evening/night been reviewing my posts so far on this blog and wow what a journey. From vet, student to Counsellor, from wanting to sell up and travel to dieting and movie reviews. fusion has remained what I wanted it for originally, I pace to ramble freely, talk about interest but mostly help me with my self discovery and being true to myself and I hope it will do for many more years to come.

I have decided to bring back a popular favourite on this blog which was dieting diaries. I sure there are many people out there who face the same struggles with food as I do, I will also be catching up with fusion fiction and fusion films and of course just blogging in general.

This week has been a real rollercoaster. I cannot tell you what an emotionally challenging week it has been. it began really last weekend. my first counselling assignment. IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT! the entire things was so stressful. it was a ROLE PLAY. if I wanted to act I would have auditioned for Harry Potter movies, EastEnders or even Game Of Thrones, WHY WOULD I BE A WOMENS REFUGE WORKER!?! I had to be this worker and the oh great Yoda or Knowledge about counselling and the Cognitive Dissonance Theory…seriously what refuge worker will know about Cognitive Dissonance!? I’d never heard of it to last week when the course told me about it….FYI its a theory that humans thrive if they are psychologically consistent. If some one disagrees with them its mentally upsetting and that human nature is to react to ease this by either agreeing or taking action against but also easing the discomfort….make sense? (learnt something didn’t you? Didn’t know this blog could be educational did you…neither did I to be honest with you) so anyways, Becky was my willing volunteer and no joke holding a recorded 10 minute conversation was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I cant talk for 10 minutes! not about going to counselling anyways.

So anyways after an hour and half of trying we finally finished (the conversation was only 5 minutes long, but I was so mad I hardly cared) after we went for breakfast/lunch to celebrate what a fail that was. All I had to do was upload it to the website and its done. well sounded simple right…to hell was it. The website REFUSED to accept it. I tried on my laptop, mums, my tablet, mums tablet, my phone, and then 4 pcs at work AND even got my Dad in London to try from his laptop. from the first time it refused I contacted my University to tell them….I rang, 13 times leaving 13 voice mails (over 4 days) sent 10 emails to tutors, university officials, my tutor, the IT department, no one responded, my assignment end up late and no one bothered to answer my distress. It put a lot of doubt in my mind, maybe I’m not cut out to be a counsellor as at the tiny hurdle I was all ready to drivee to the Humber bridge and jump off it and end my own misery (in to=thought, not in real life) I was mad and just kept pitting myself down, for those four days I was pure miserable. Monday I was fuming, I wanted to quit and just do anything but that. back to the careers office settle for something easier like always….Everyone I spoke to told me not to quit, Becky, Dave, James, Helen (AKA Goose) and most people at work…not my boss she’s in Spain and part of me wishes she wasn’t as I’m most likely to listen to her than anyone, we don’t call her mother for no reason. On Tuesday I despaired making a choice to stay or go.

Wednesday in my final plea to remain I wrote a Angry email to my advisor, Lorraine. I didn’t want to bother her or take any of it out on her because no joke from day one she has helped me with every single thing, she seems to be the only one that works there but I emailed her as a last resort and just made a formal complaint about the university, their crap student services and asked how can I leave or transfer to another, preferably Hull. Well…I got a response in a minute, literally. my mail box dinged and Lorraine apologised, and got on to it that moment. Put it this way, shes still dealing with it now. Their system is crap that its still being delt with.

Well once stress starts it doesn’t stop, everything becomes stressful and off putting. I was at home Thursday just looking out the window watching the birds in my trees and I got the biggest panic attack of my life, I have no idea where it came from or what triggered it. It was so bad I was shouting stop stop stop to my voice hurt, it took about an hour for it to fully pass. was sweating and cold, felt sic and couldn’t stop shaking for ages. my breath was that of an asthmatic. I still cant put a finger on where it came from, it was so rapid it was like drowning. anyone who experiences them will know how physically draining it can be. I didn’t do much else for the rest of the day.

Friday was better. I saw my bestie Charmaine, and my gorgeous God Kids, and went out with Becky to KFC and the cinema. we saw the movie Central Intelligence. Oh My was sooo funny. my sides killed when I got out, The Rock I have never found attractive to I watched that movie, it honestly is the best movie I’ve seen this year and will review it tomorrow no doubt. Definitely cheered me up. after we went to Hubbard for a walk. I have that Pokémon GO game so had a nosey for Pokémon as we walked while humming the theme from the TV series. (I caught a Ghasty and was very proud as it was a bugger to get!) To be honest that game has been a welcome distraction for the last couple of days. I love it. I think I will explore tomorrow with my iPod and a bottle of waster and see what I can find.

And there was today. It started miserable. Its rained all day. No joke, it has tipped it down which makes for a rubbish day, you can’t do much or anything. I went and saw James (Steve-I got his permission to use his real name, so Steve’s real name is James haha- Just to clear that up)

James works on  market selling toys, movie memorabilia and video games, so its always fun to go see what new stuff he has (before I met him, I had two key rings on my keys, now I have about 20) we usually hang out Wednesdays and Saturdays, mainly if I have time but now I try and keep them free to see him. I enjoy his company and the stalking session and just plain messing about with such an awesome friend, who I AM SO GREATFUL TO HAVE. he doesn’t read the blog so I know he wont see this but I am truly grateful for his friendship, his honest and blunt and says it how it is. Becky does all this but its refreshing coming from someone else and he just makes me laugh and feel good about myself and makes me happy to be me really. Today he wasn’t really happy when I first arrived, the rain was nasty and he was in one of those cannot be bothered but have to be here kind of moods. I got up coffee and Bacon buns and just chatted as always, had a right laugh. Then I left him for a couple of hours to shop and lunch with mum which was nice as we don’t see much of each other right now with us both having busy schedules.

I managed to get a book and a couple of DVDs and I went looking at Joe Browns stuff and was happy just being almost girly for a little while, looking at dresses and nail varnish and handbags, its okay to like both I know. Then after that we had lunch at a small tea café which I adore called Tina’s, the manger there is such a nice guy and we always have a little chat. The food there and milkshakes are to die for. After that I went and got some drinks and returned James and stayed through to half 5. I just love his company, I would choose it over anyone’s right now to be honest.

I feel okay now, thanks to mainly Becky, James and Charmaine, My Dexter and Ariana and of course Oscar and Verity. I just wish that things could be different sometimes. I wish for lots of things, mostly right now I’m thinking want to start a Vlog and keep up with this blog. I want to do something creative, as in work from home right now and still practice to be a counsellor.

WHY IS THIS LAPTOP SO ANNOYING! its underlining everything and I have no idea why…

Tomorrow instead of being boring and working I am going to look at other blogs and give this one a makeover. its been the same for a long time and needs a professional touch to it now, than the almost childish thing it is. I need to recreate some pages and rewrite the bucket list and entwine this with my real paper journal I write in everyday. Tomorrow I will write the first re-instalment dieting diaries and kitty blog😀 I need to plan on paper first. hehe

Thanks to my lovely followers the fusionists who have followed this blog through everything that I have done and changed my mind and talk myself into and out of. Hoping for a smoother journey. Knowing me and my Anxiety, depression, OCD and other disorders it wont be…but where’s the fun in that haha!

Love MJ xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

T-Rex arms!!

Well, this is going to be a struggle to write as I cannot move my upper arms!! ahhhh! what is happening! (its all self inflicted and I will get to that in a moment!)

Hello Dear fusionists! I cannot actually say how long it has been because I am unsure! I have a book review and movie review to post later but I thought I would just catch up on life.

Firstly I had the biggest crisis I’ve had in a long time. Is and will remain to be 100% my fault and will continue to be to I have corrected the problem. Out of interest two weeks go I went to the doctors to check on my weight. been feeling very yuck and tired and slow and thought maybe I’ve gained a little weight…..I wish it was a little. As I know my friends read this I wont write my actual weight but from the later time I checked it was almost a stone and half added on top of my already over weight self. Well panic stations, never in my life have I reached that figure for my weight, nor will I ever again. That was the kick in the teeth I needed to DO SOMETHING. I joined back at the gym that day ditched every sugary, fatty, sweetened, cakey item to my neighbour and started fresh. Salads, grilled meat, hardly any diary, no chocolate, cake and that rubbish. plenty of fruit, veg and eggs (protein) and do you know what I lost 10lbs in my first week. I’m amazed how simple it is! Still drinking plenty of water, more when I’m at the gym, which is most days for an hour or two and I now much against my liking, swim. been more over these past two weeks than I have in probably years. I have a one to one booked with a instructor to help improve my swimming abilities and get over my water fear. positive changes. Even thought today I ache ( I swam 12 lengths yesterday which is mazing for someone like me who hates water touching them)I may still go to the gym this afternoon for an hour. I do enjoy it massively.

what else has happened? not much really. friend problems will soon go away. I am putting no.1 first as I regularly tell my friends themselves. maybe I should listen to my own advise for once. University is good, I’m on a break for a couple of weeks and I should get my results back.

I’m not sure about the role plays I have to do though. I know what I have to say and do but the whole idea of talking to a camera is scary, sure I’ve Vlogged before but this is different, its like what I want to say its there but it comes out wrong and doesn’t make sense. I have plenty of prep time but I still don’t like it.it needs to be 10 minutes long and I tried on my own and it lasted 3 minutes tops. ugh, I think it depends on what the other person is going to be asking. I think I over think things and worry too much.

Well I’m off to catch up with the new series of Orange is the New Black. Been waiting for this for ages!

Lots of love
MJ xx

Posted in blog | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fusion Film- Angry Birds

angry-birds-movie-poster

Based off the popular mobile game, Angry bird finally comes to the big screen where all your favourite birds now have names and can talk and stuff.

Red is a lonely ‘ Angry bird.’ his life hasn’t gone the way his planned like other birds on the island. he is miss understood and an outcast. after being sentenced to Anger Management for ruining a child’s hatch day party, red meets Boom and chuck and Terrance. (the other angry bird gang)

This movie has humour for both young and older audiences, it has references to other cult movies which makes the movie more fun and enjoyable. Its not a very long movie but the story fits well and the characters do reveal how they become the ‘Angry Birds’ we have all played at some point.

Its cute and fun for kids, and isn’t that long, so they wont get that bored.

3/5

 

Posted in Fusion Films, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fusion Films -Alice through the looking glass

 

ESPEC-Alice-Through-the-Looking-Glass-16022016-191154I was so excited to see this movie, I loved the first one so much and it has some of my favourite actors and actresses in so I had high hopes!

Alice finds ‘Underland’ when following absolem the butterfly through the looking glass. The mad hatter is ill and needs Alice to bring him the only thing that will make him well, his family. Hatters family died though years before so its down to Alice and the help of time to find out the truth about the Hatters family.

I was a little disappointed as far as a Disney movie goes. Having big name stars like Johnny Depp, Mia Wasikowska, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter and the late Alan Rickman I had hopes that the magic experienced in the new movie would be almost the same.

The story alone was good enough to be a stand alone movie, but if you hadn’t seen the first movie would have got a bit lost with some of the characters. The introduction to Sacha Baron Cohens character of Time was definably my favourite new charter. Personifying Time as a person was pure genius and each life as a ticking clock brought home the phrase ‘life is short’ In all a good follow up, the visual is as ever amazing.

3/5

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Fusion Films | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment