Things got too much….

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Sorry I’ve not written in such a long time, today is literally the first time I’ve felt like sitting down with the laptop to write. I need to vent, I have so much in my head right now I don’t know what to do with all the thoughts and the feeling and its in a way painful.

For the last 3 months life has been full on, had a lot of things to balance out or at least learn to and I wont lie I have struggled. I haven’t been in a relationship for about 5 years so five months into the one I’ve realised how time consuming it is. Not that I’m complaining, I Love James a lot and our relationship is strong, even though we’ve had a couple of hiccups and the distance thing is getting to be an issue but we’re working on it together.

With spending so much time with James a lot of other things have suffered, like my blog, my time with other friends which hasn’t been a bad thing but I had upset a lot of people. I was worried I was losing my best friend in the world Becky, because I hadn’t seen her so much and I felt bad for it. It got me down. Really down. I felt like gaining a boyfriend I’d lost everything else. Which obviously isn’t the case. Yes some people have gone because they couldn’t be happy for me, which is sad but the people still in my life are the ones I know I’ll have for a long time ahead. Just had a lot of stressful times.

My Current worries:

  • I’m wasting my life: Counselling didn’t work and now I don’t know what to do with my life, I really want my own business but learning and starting a business you need money, something I don’t have, I feel so stuck right now.
  • My relationship: This is not such a big worry but there are time it is. I know what I can be like, all my passed experiences with ex’s tell me what I’m like and how annoying and that I can be. I don’t want to ruin this. Its on my mind 24/7 not to screw this up in a typical MJ way. I get too close to scare myself and say and do something stupid and feel guilty then start pushing them away more to save myself more hurt than someone else. I’m kind of in the pushing away stage at the moment, I keep telling myself James can do better, he doesn’t like me really or I’m really not good enough it doesn’t work…where as in reality it does work. Its worked better than any relationship I’ve ever been in. He listens, he actually cares about what I say/do/ feel. Its weird sometimes because again not used to having something so good.
  • Missing loved ones: In December as I write previously My uncle passed away. I haven’t grieved at all. I missed the funeral and just carried on as normal but I think now its catching up. For the last two weeks I have missed My grandparents, Olivia and my uncle more than anything. I miss my Nan and being able to talk to her about everything. I miss my granddads advice about life, I miss my daughter and I wish she was here with me every day, I didn’t miss my uncle to recently when I thought about all the things we’d done together, in my mind he was still here with Sonny, cooking curries and laughing life’s worries away. I wish I spent more time with him. Isn’t it funny we wish things when its too late.
  • My health (physical): it has been awful. I’ve had a stomach biopsy this year and on tablets and its no the life I lined up for myself. My weight disgusts me and so does my fitness and I want to make it all better. I have stared and am determined to keep at it. I’ve started zumba classes and dancercise, I’m starting yoga for relaxation along with meditation to help with my anxiety next week. I’ve also started healthy eating a lot m lore and knocking the binge eating off. When I’m stressed or down I’m leaving the food alone and finding something else to do, mostly my Journal (I’ll get to in a minute).
  • My health (mental): I’m scared of getting to depressed again that everything stops like it did before. I’m worried that when I get that’s urges to self harm I’m going to give in and start again. I’m worried that when I want to give up I will make it happen and ‘give up’. I don’t want to take my own life. What a waste that would be but when that darkness sinks in and its all you can think about and you believe it is the best option…what do you do? I cant talk to people recently which I regret, that’s why I’m blogging, had this stuff I cant tell James or Becky or the hobbit, Ellie, work friends, Louise or family. I just can’t. What would they think of me? I’m weak? Why would they want to get wrapped up in this AGAIN? Its not fair on anyone. Meditation should help, well I hope
  • Pregnant? Its on my mind. Its possible, but most likely not to be. Its a worry. Its something I wouldn’t mind, but its something James doesn’t want. I’m doing a test next week, either way I don’t know how to feel.
  • Family: I don’t feel as close to my niece and nephew as I have been. I love them so so much, I really do but I don’t want to be around the kids when I feel like this. Its not fair on them, especially when I feel short fused, snappy and sad. Its not fair on them. I miss them so much.

I cant think of anything else right now, so I guess that’s everything that’s bugging me day in and out. More some than others. I think you can guess which ones rule my mind more. Its not all been bad though. Had a few good days out. Valentines day was good, our first one James and I shared. I’ve been and seen a few good movies, Lego Batman movie, Fifty shades darker, hidden figure and plan to see the new Beauty and the beast soon. we’ve booked in to go the Harry Potter studio next month and I cant wait really. Something to look forward to. We got a hamster too. Her names Cleo. She’s that little bit crazy that she’s ideal for our little fuzzy family.

I’ve also found a new way to journal which has been helping me relax and reflect a lot better. Its a mixture of normal Journaling, Bullet Journaling, Art journaling and a little bit of wreck journaling. I love it and find I have been more creative and able to organize and record things I’ve needed to easier than keeping a journal before. Its not full of negativity or bad memories, its bright and full of ideas and things I love. I want to share some things on here soon. So if you’re interested keep an eye open.

I’m going to try and Blog more, I’ll try going back to once a week and build it up. It was getting too much adding all these ideas and things I don’t truly enjoy. Small steps, like with everything else. Small steps. Thanks for reading

Love Always

MJ xxx

 

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2017…so it begins

What a start to the year. What can I say. Two weeks into this new years and already I failed most of my aims, by laziness, technology fail and negativity.

Firstly, my write daily mission has failed, but I suppose I can start it from today and end it this time next year, same with the 365-day photo challenge, my phone broke, I put it one charge and when took it off the port was still connected to the charger, basically have had an entire week without a mobile and I won’t lie it’s been murder. Living alone my own I rely on outside contact with humans via my mobile and not being able to talk to people when needed was hard and the loss of my apps is always tragic. My worst nightmare is getting a new phone as sad and shallow that makes me sound.

What have I been up to these last two weeks? Nothing. I won’t lie. It’s been a slow start. I’ve been at work doing the usual computer stuff, thought about being a graphics designer on the side of work but I really can’t be bothered. I have no motivation. I feel ill and should have gone to the doctors this week but again passed because I really didn’t want to. Leaving the house isn’t something I want to do now unless it’s to work or my mothers. I have had the worse diet ever these last two weeks and am fearing for my heart. Detox and diet and exercise start tomorrow morning 6am sharp.

It’s like I’m beginning this year two weeks too late. Had a few moments with James where things have been iffy but now we’re ok. I don’t know what’s wrong with me either, I am an emotional wreck all the time. Is that the depression?? Literally can cry at anything right now.  Freaked out a bit last night as James joked about pregnancy and what we’d name our poor poor children and what he’ll sing to me in the labour room…. all highly inappropriate. He is officially barred from naming anything ever.

This coming week is going to be a bit mixed. I have house guessed coming soon for ten days and I don’t know how to feel about it. My house is small, and in the next coming weeks it’s not just going to be me, the dog and two cats. James, his 3-year-old son and Newfoundland dog are coming to stay. I’m a little worried. we’ve had a 4-day weekend together when I won’t lie I wasn’t at my best, but this time it’s for longer and I’m a bit scared. I LOVE Rowan and Ozzie and obviously, my weirdo boyfriend but it’s kind of a test to see if we could love together. 10 days is a long time. I have a party one night and feel bad going out and leaving rowan and James but I might need that little bit of space to relax and have a little me time. Going from all me time to having none is going to be a difficult adjustment. Hope it goes well and we don’t end up falling out.

*sigh* have house work to be getting on with but think I’m going to play the sims instead…

Take care all

Love MJ xx

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When times are hard…

yesterday I was supposed to write about something that I don’t really care very much about so it didn’t end up getting posted at all already breaking the 365 day blogging goal I’ve set myself. Instead of admitting defeat I wanted to explain why I struggled.

Yesterday I had what I class as a bad day with James. Every relationships have hiccups and and his was our first it sounds so pathetic to an outside parry but ro is it was a biggish thing that effected us. It started Tuesday night. I fell asleep on the sofa with headphones on early evening. Then I woke up in the worse panic. I’d had a nightmare, my headphones had wrapped themselves around my face and I was pressed against my sofa where I never really sleep. The nighto are it’s self was still real and continuous a d so was the pain. The feelings this nightmare brought with it was a crushing pain of loss and hurt. I was crying and fighting the sofa and the headphones in this crushing pain wondering what the hell was happening and is it true?

Next thing I know I had strong arms around me and a familiar voice breaking through the panic. James. It took a few moments to come around the pain easing the panic fading cuddled against my mister. Usually I’m alone when this happens. It takes hours for calm to return. In a matter of minutes cuddled with James I felt better. Safer. I was shaking hard. He brought me and drink and stayed close. Then I released he was here. Early. He usually arrives around 7pm but it was 6.10pm. After a few more minutes feeling exhausted we settled into quiet talk.

The evening went fine but that nightmare stayed with me all night to the next morning. James is stopping smoking. As expected he can get snippy and Wednesday was no exception. 

Three things happened yesterday that built up to us having our misunderstanding.

1. He told me to stay home where I always go to work with him in the mornings.

2. He had a little dig that I have games and things from him on tab.

3. He mentioned that things we do like going out will have to be cut back because he couldn’t afford it.

After the nightmare I took this more than I should of. They hurt felt accusatory and made me feel like a huge inconvenience on his life. Anxiety was awake and ready to play on the negative thoughts swimming around my mind. Which they did. I convinced myself he  doesn’t want me and all this other stuff. Which made for a bad day full of negative thoughts feeling and actions. I avoided him most of the day in fear I would annoy him more. He asked what was up and going against everything I usually do we talked about it.

Best thing I could have done. He explained things in better terms. Less snippy. I told him I felt bad about things and he made it better in a way only he could. He listened and understood and said all the right things. He stayed with me after work and treated me better than any man ever has. I am so lucky.

That evening he rang me even though he was busy and made sure I was ok. I have never had someone care about me the way he does. Never. He manged to turn something bad in to something better for me in a way I can’t for myself .

living with anxiety is hard. Especially when you have other people in your life and sometimes little things get blow.out of proportion. Instead of keeping it to myself I ignored anxiety and spoke up. 

I feel much better. Don’t suffer alone. There is always someone out there to listen. I’m lucky tohave my mister and the amazing friends I do.

He spoils me 💖

Box of chocolate and a new kindle. 

I love him.

best wishes 

love MJ xx 

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Gamer girl- sims city Build it!

Omg am I addicted to this game! Released in 2014 this mini version of the popular game sims city has reach over 10 million downloads. I love the sim games and was excited at the the idea of playing this as i totally by passed the city games.

This game consists of a variety of mini tasks to make your city run smoothly as well as improve the happiness of your residents giving your town more unlock able items. My favourite one so far has to be the donut shop! 

Build factories to make the supplies to upgrade and build new buildings. Factories produce steel, wood, seeds, chemicals and fabric and foods, but be careful not to build residential homes near the factories, it will decrease the happiness of your sims!

Factory materials supply local stores such as the hardwarestore, garden centres and fashion store to produce more items to help expand on your city. More items are unlocked as you level up.

All your built items are stores in the city storage unit. But be warned there is only a limited space. Unlock special items to.epand your space to increase the city storage space.

Your city’s main concern is proving your sims everything they need to keep them happy. Build power plants, choose from wind and coal plants. Each have a different effect on your city’s happiness and supply. 

Water is another need of the city. Build water towers around your city to provide a residents with a clean supply.

With water comes sewage. Build sewage plants but not too close to residents astou may find some unhappy occupants. If a sim becomes too.unhappy they may leave or abandon their homes and more to another town.

With every city comes rhe need of emergency services.Build police stations, fire stations, medical centres and many more more to ensure your sims remain safe and happy. These buildings cover various ranges. Each building will highlight areas covered green, those who remain red will not be in recipient of the service! Sims may become unhappy or move if a service isn’t provided!

As well as earning money from upgrading buildings and taxes, the city has its own market where you can sell and buy items with other players. I enjoy this feature as I like visiting cities and seeing how developed some are. 

Above is where you decide what it is you want to sell and the value of it. Below is the global store where you can can see what items other players have for sale. It is refreshed every 30 seconds.

Some service sims around the city may wish to buy items these will appear in the form of a speech bubble. 

Overall I love this game not just for the sims aspect but for the creativity of it. Over time you can build a full city with everything you need but still.have something to do..I find this game highly addictive and enjoyable.

 5 out of 5 download your city today!

available free on iTunes, Google store and Amazon app store!

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Dieting Diaries S02Ep3…New Year Craze

Isn’t it funny how many people day going to join the gym after Christmas and it’s all about I’m going to be a new me! We’ve all done it I guess…I definitely have but this year I’m not. Nope.  No gym for me. My “dieting” this year is taking a more laid back approach as in stop and steady. As in its the new year I’ve had a takeaway with the boyfriend and chocolate and news flash I’m not dead yet! 

I’m starting small, and introducing small changes into my life style. Restrictions don’t do any favours. If you tell someone they can’t have something they want well they want it more.

So my plan is to set mini monthly targets to help me on the road to a healthier lifestyle and hopefully weight loss.

Exercise- I want to play on the kinect a bit more to begin with. 3 times a week on Just dance, Zumba and Yoga games.

Food – I’m not cutting out the bad stuff just yet but I am going to control portions. I’m terrible at meals. I tend to snack and not have proper meals. I’m making an effort to introduce meals and plan then ahead of time so I won’t be left wondering what I want. 

Water- obviously this is a given. DRINKING MORE WATER!! Needed the most I know I don’t drink enough I’ve been told by a doctor.its not something I think about and coffee isn’t classed as water :p as much as I wish it was.

Mini monthly aims

My monthly aim this month is to cut down coffee to one a day and drink more water and green tea. I love green tea and it comes in loads of different flavours. My festive favourite at the moment is spiced apple.Green tea as I said in another post has many health properties. I love it for ridding my body of toxins and the healthier skin it gives me.

Next week I will do my first weigh in. Making my weight public and showing the results if any may give people the motivation and show that it’s the small things that make the biggest differences. You don’t need research super expensive weight loss drinks or diet plans. 

If you’re joining me on this dieting mission and setting mini monthly aims I’d love to hear from you :).

Love MJ xx 

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Happy 2017!

Firstly I would like to wish all my followers a very happy new year! 

Well when I planed this post I half expected to be writing it with a sore head and on the bathroom floor. Surprised much! I feel soo good I’m actually tucked up on the sofa with the dog and my tin of celebrations. Oh Christmas time! An excuse to eat chocolate compulsively!

What a year to say good bye to! I don’t know if I’m glad it’s finally over or a bit sad it is over. Been a weird one.  And what a way to see in   Definitely full of highs and lows but in all wasn’t that bad. It’s going to be memorable for me personally for a couple of reasons. Mainly my Uncle Ricky and James (BFNBFWINBF).
So I thought I would do a short review of 2016 with some of my favourite things to happen this year and not so great thing that will stay with me throughout. 

The good, The awesome, The epic!

There’s definitely been some great memories this year. Some I hope to keep with me forever 💙 here’s some of the best.

  • Obviously the best thing to happen in  2016 is getting with my gorgeous boyfriend. I honestly couldn’t be happier and so glad to have him in my life and at my side through everything. 

  • Had some awesome days out with my amazing friends. Including Drayton Manor, Birmingham, random trips to Cleethorpes and Mablethorpe seaside towns, Pokémon hunting to random places. Been a good year for adventuring.

  • Made some new friends! People who are now a regular occurrence in my life who wasn’t last year. People who care and take the time to talk and listen. A rare find but very welcome.
  • Seen some AMAZING movies this year.  Zootropolis, Deadpool, Suicide Squad, Nerve, Doctor Strange, Moana, Fantastic Beasts and where to find them, Me before You and The BFG to name and few! 
  • I discovered the fan dom of “The walking dead” where was I before?!

  • I found a love for green tea I didn’t think could exist between us and remains stronger than ever.
  • Carved my first EVER pumpkin.  Been crossed off the bucket list and everything!! 

  • Starbucks treated us to Banana caramel frappuccinos! And more recently Christmas coffee, roasted hazelnut lattes. Oh to die for!!
  • I hit the 10 pint milestone giving blood. received my badge and everything. Very proud moment.
  • I got my new laptop! Woop!
  • I was introduced to gaming my James. I now own a ps1, xbox 360 and soon to own a Nintendo 3DS and a PS4. Safe to say I’m  gamer now lol
  • And one of my happiest moments was hitting 100 followers on my little blog! Thanks everyone!

The not so happy times

2016 was all said goodbye to some well known and loved people. what a year for loss. I grieved a fair few celebrities which had one way or another impacted my life and the world I grew up knowing. Rest in peace 

David Bowie 

Alan Rickman

Harper Lee

Doris Roberts 

Muhammad Ali

Kenny Baker

Gene Wilder

Richard Adams

Carrie Fisher

Debbie Reynolds 

And also to my own personal loss this year, my beloved uncle RichArd Webb. Someone I owe a few life lessons too, who’s contagious laugh will stick with me for a long time. How my life already ffeels a little less brighter without you. I will never forget you. Give Grandad and my beautiful daughter a hug from me.

What’s in store for 2017?

Well I have alot to look forward this year. Mainly spending time with James,a holiday and working on my business I hope to have up and running this year. I don’t do new year resolutions but I do like settings aims to work towards I the year. 

  1. Blog everyday. Yep. I want to see if I can blog every day for an entire year. Beginning today. Let’s see shall we
  2. read 60 books this year. That’s about 5 a month. Last year I read 64 so tis do-able.
  3. Complete the 365 day photo challenge. This will be my year. Persistence.
  4. Keep a positive jar (come.back Thursday to find out more)
  5. Keep a new Journal and write 3 positive things a day. I am trying to be a more positive person and kick anxieties butt. Here’s to positivity!

Small easy reachable aims to work through. Am excited for this year. Feels like things could be changing for the better. what are your aims of 2017? Or your best bits of 2016?

More excitingly Fusion my beloved blog is going to now feature shared projects with BFNBFWINBF (James) and is getting a new look for the new year. 

Again, wishing everyone a very happy new year and all the best for 2017!

Love MJ xx 

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The One Before Christmas

Current mood….

I can only begin with an apology. I have tried many times for the last few weeks to start writing this post but have failed in a pit of frustration and misery. How time has flown and how things have changed dramatically in this short space. Christmas is almost here, like in five days. FIVE DAYS! it only felt lie a few weeks ago we were counting down to Drayton Manor and Ariana’s 1st birthday. Both which have passed. I wish I was more excited for Christmas but its so bittersweet at the moment its not real yet. Christmas is on Sunday. THIS SUNDAY.

Santa’s little helper getting into the spirit of of the season.

Where to start, probably with myself, I have been okay…that’s the best I can do I’m afraid. I’m okay. I have been stressed, overcome with anxiety and grief and tremendous joy in a very short space of time so not I’m happy to just be okay. And tired. Very Tired. I’m sad to say though I have ‘relapsed’. my battle with depression is continuous and to this date is winning. I’m back on my antidepressants. Things have been really hard recently, really hard and coping is becoming more and more difficult. I’ve had many a break down in the last few weeks away from everyone in the comfort of my own bed with my cats at my side. I’ve been ill which hasn’t helped anything. I have in the most basic terms a bleeding stomach. gross I know. Painful and gross. The days where I cant move from pain are the worse and when you’re constantly getting ‘not classed as an emergency’ thrown at you at least once a week you kind of lose hope. I am not on stomach tablets. It began with a virus which was eating the lining of my stomach, nice right. Now its believed to be an ulcer probably caused by the amount of stress I’ve had over the weeks.  for now the tablets work, I can eat again but I have no appetite what so ever, everything is tasteless and grime and unenjoyably. (that’s why I haven’t posted a dieting diaries in a long time-There hasn’t been a diet but the weight has shifted)

I live alone again now, my mother moved out and I now have my house to myself again. I love and hate it. With my current depression I don’t always like the solitude in the evenings, they’re long and difficult and leave far too much thinking time. Anxiety and depression come out to play and leave me a wreck by the time the sun rises again. Fun. I don’t sleep much but I do like having my house belonging to me again. am looking forward to decorating in the new year and getting some new bits and pieces. Christmas first. I need to remember.

The BFNBF is good. we are now official so I can call him boyfriend. I feel like I’ve wrote this before. sorry if repeating myself here. we’ve been official I think for about a month now, maybe more? and its going well. I just need to get used to the idea again, but we’re really happy. Had a few iffy spells but we call them learning curves, not arguing or falling out just a couple of hiccups. as I write this I’m waiting for his arrival and we’re spending the night together. movie night I thing as I’m not the greatest at the moment and not really up to gaming night. He is literally the best thing to happen to me for a long time though and I’m so thankful to have him. he puts up with a lot of my grief and misery and doesn’t mind. The same as Becky though that’s why they’re my favourite humans ever. Apart from my nan of course.

Speaking of family, I’ve had the usual drama. God I wish for a quiet life daily. DAILY. my brother has been a fool and broke both his shoulders these last few weeks. stress. a lot of stress involving hospitals and medical talk and no sleep for 48 hours. Thankfully his okay now and out of hospital. He was waiting to hear back if he needed another operation but he didn’t, just physiotherapy.

Concrete stairs 1 Richards shoulder 0

As I mentioned earlier the minion Ariana is official one whole year old. oh gosh where’s that gone! my little banana milkshake is walking and talking (kind of) and I’m nearly crying! she is growing into a little lady and its scary where the time is going. She had a cute little party with family and I think the highlight was watching her smosh cake in her face. I wish I could do that and get away with it.

Not all family news has been good though. My uncle Ricky passed away last weekend. was a shock and to be honest one I still haven’t come to terms with, meaning its not real for me yet. Its too sudden an unreal even though his funeral is tomorrow. Christmas week. I know his died and I wont see him again but my mind refuses to accept this as fact. I don’t know. its not sunk in. again probably I’ve been busy looking after everyone else but why cant I get this into my mind. I was like this with my granddad though then it hits like a bus. maybe it will tomorrow? maybe it wont be for a long time…I just feel pretty numb to it all and guilty because I don’t feel sad about it. I loved my uncle Rick so much I spoke to him every week but now his not there and its weird…

My nan and my uncle. One of my favourite photos ever 💖 miss them so much.

Have new year to look forward to. Feeling hopeful for a better New Year and a more positive outcome on life. Am looking to change alot next year and stick to what makes me the happiest and do what I want and not what everyone wants me to do. 

In January Fusion is having a make over. James (the boyfriend, he does have a name) is going to be helping me on a few new projects. Things we both enjoy and can share with people with simular interests. Hope to blog more too. It helps to get things out there especially when you struggle so much to interact with other humans. 

Hopefully will be a successful 2017 with a lot of highs and not quiet so many lows. Have a lot of plans but for now I just want to say thank you to all my followers your support throughout this year. Thank you for sharing these moments good and bad and giving me the inspiration and courage to do what I enjoy. Wishing each and everyone of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy holidays and hoping all your wishes and dreams come true in 2017. 

Lots of love 

MJ xx

P.S who else felt like this….ladies??

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