2017…so it begins

What a start to the year. What can I say. Two weeks into this new years and already I failed most of my aims, by laziness, technology fail and negativity.

Firstly, my write daily mission has failed, but I suppose I can start it from today and end it this time next year, same with the 365-day photo challenge, my phone broke, I put it one charge and when took it off the port was still connected to the charger, basically have had an entire week without a mobile and I won’t lie it’s been murder. Living alone my own I rely on outside contact with humans via my mobile and not being able to talk to people when needed was hard and the loss of my apps is always tragic. My worst nightmare is getting a new phone as sad and shallow that makes me sound.

What have I been up to these last two weeks? Nothing. I won’t lie. It’s been a slow start. I’ve been at work doing the usual computer stuff, thought about being a graphics designer on the side of work but I really can’t be bothered. I have no motivation. I feel ill and should have gone to the doctors this week but again passed because I really didn’t want to. Leaving the house isn’t something I want to do now unless it’s to work or my mothers. I have had the worse diet ever these last two weeks and am fearing for my heart. Detox and diet and exercise start tomorrow morning 6am sharp.

It’s like I’m beginning this year two weeks too late. Had a few moments with James where things have been iffy but now we’re ok. I don’t know what’s wrong with me either, I am an emotional wreck all the time. Is that the depression?? Literally can cry at anything right now.  Freaked out a bit last night as James joked about pregnancy and what we’d name our poor poor children and what he’ll sing to me in the labour room…. all highly inappropriate. He is officially barred from naming anything ever.

This coming week is going to be a bit mixed. I have house guessed coming soon for ten days and I don’t know how to feel about it. My house is small, and in the next coming weeks it’s not just going to be me, the dog and two cats. James, his 3-year-old son and Newfoundland dog are coming to stay. I’m a little worried. we’ve had a 4-day weekend together when I won’t lie I wasn’t at my best, but this time it’s for longer and I’m a bit scared. I LOVE Rowan and Ozzie and obviously, my weirdo boyfriend but it’s kind of a test to see if we could love together. 10 days is a long time. I have a party one night and feel bad going out and leaving rowan and James but I might need that little bit of space to relax and have a little me time. Going from all me time to having none is going to be a difficult adjustment. Hope it goes well and we don’t end up falling out.

*sigh* have house work to be getting on with but think I’m going to play the sims instead…

Take care all

Love MJ xx

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When times are hard…

yesterday I was supposed to write about something that I don’t really care very much about so it didn’t end up getting posted at all already breaking the 365 day blogging goal I’ve set myself. Instead of admitting defeat I wanted to explain why I struggled.

Yesterday I had what I class as a bad day with James. Every relationships have hiccups and and his was our first it sounds so pathetic to an outside parry but ro is it was a biggish thing that effected us. It started Tuesday night. I fell asleep on the sofa with headphones on early evening. Then I woke up in the worse panic. I’d had a nightmare, my headphones had wrapped themselves around my face and I was pressed against my sofa where I never really sleep. The nighto are it’s self was still real and continuous a d so was the pain. The feelings this nightmare brought with it was a crushing pain of loss and hurt. I was crying and fighting the sofa and the headphones in this crushing pain wondering what the hell was happening and is it true?

Next thing I know I had strong arms around me and a familiar voice breaking through the panic. James. It took a few moments to come around the pain easing the panic fading cuddled against my mister. Usually I’m alone when this happens. It takes hours for calm to return. In a matter of minutes cuddled with James I felt better. Safer. I was shaking hard. He brought me and drink and stayed close. Then I released he was here. Early. He usually arrives around 7pm but it was 6.10pm. After a few more minutes feeling exhausted we settled into quiet talk.

The evening went fine but that nightmare stayed with me all night to the next morning. James is stopping smoking. As expected he can get snippy and Wednesday was no exception. 

Three things happened yesterday that built up to us having our misunderstanding.

1. He told me to stay home where I always go to work with him in the mornings.

2. He had a little dig that I have games and things from him on tab.

3. He mentioned that things we do like going out will have to be cut back because he couldn’t afford it.

After the nightmare I took this more than I should of. They hurt felt accusatory and made me feel like a huge inconvenience on his life. Anxiety was awake and ready to play on the negative thoughts swimming around my mind. Which they did. I convinced myself he  doesn’t want me and all this other stuff. Which made for a bad day full of negative thoughts feeling and actions. I avoided him most of the day in fear I would annoy him more. He asked what was up and going against everything I usually do we talked about it.

Best thing I could have done. He explained things in better terms. Less snippy. I told him I felt bad about things and he made it better in a way only he could. He listened and understood and said all the right things. He stayed with me after work and treated me better than any man ever has. I am so lucky.

That evening he rang me even though he was busy and made sure I was ok. I have never had someone care about me the way he does. Never. He manged to turn something bad in to something better for me in a way I can’t for myself .

living with anxiety is hard. Especially when you have other people in your life and sometimes little things get blow.out of proportion. Instead of keeping it to myself I ignored anxiety and spoke up. 

I feel much better. Don’t suffer alone. There is always someone out there to listen. I’m lucky tohave my mister and the amazing friends I do.

He spoils me 💖

Box of chocolate and a new kindle. 

I love him.

best wishes 

love MJ xx 

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Gamer girl- sims city Build it!

Omg am I addicted to this game! Released in 2014 this mini version of the popular game sims city has reach over 10 million downloads. I love the sim games and was excited at the the idea of playing this as i totally by passed the city games.

This game consists of a variety of mini tasks to make your city run smoothly as well as improve the happiness of your residents giving your town more unlock able items. My favourite one so far has to be the donut shop! 

Build factories to make the supplies to upgrade and build new buildings. Factories produce steel, wood, seeds, chemicals and fabric and foods, but be careful not to build residential homes near the factories, it will decrease the happiness of your sims!

Factory materials supply local stores such as the hardwarestore, garden centres and fashion store to produce more items to help expand on your city. More items are unlocked as you level up.

All your built items are stores in the city storage unit. But be warned there is only a limited space. Unlock special items to.epand your space to increase the city storage space.

Your city’s main concern is proving your sims everything they need to keep them happy. Build power plants, choose from wind and coal plants. Each have a different effect on your city’s happiness and supply. 

Water is another need of the city. Build water towers around your city to provide a residents with a clean supply.

With water comes sewage. Build sewage plants but not too close to residents astou may find some unhappy occupants. If a sim becomes too.unhappy they may leave or abandon their homes and more to another town.

With every city comes rhe need of emergency services.Build police stations, fire stations, medical centres and many more more to ensure your sims remain safe and happy. These buildings cover various ranges. Each building will highlight areas covered green, those who remain red will not be in recipient of the service! Sims may become unhappy or move if a service isn’t provided!

As well as earning money from upgrading buildings and taxes, the city has its own market where you can sell and buy items with other players. I enjoy this feature as I like visiting cities and seeing how developed some are. 

Above is where you decide what it is you want to sell and the value of it. Below is the global store where you can can see what items other players have for sale. It is refreshed every 30 seconds.

Some service sims around the city may wish to buy items these will appear in the form of a speech bubble. 

Overall I love this game not just for the sims aspect but for the creativity of it. Over time you can build a full city with everything you need but still.have something to do..I find this game highly addictive and enjoyable.

 5 out of 5 download your city today!

available free on iTunes, Google store and Amazon app store!

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Dieting Diaries S02Ep3…New Year Craze

Isn’t it funny how many people day going to join the gym after Christmas and it’s all about I’m going to be a new me! We’ve all done it I guess…I definitely have but this year I’m not. Nope.  No gym for me. My “dieting” this year is taking a more laid back approach as in stop and steady. As in its the new year I’ve had a takeaway with the boyfriend and chocolate and news flash I’m not dead yet! 

I’m starting small, and introducing small changes into my life style. Restrictions don’t do any favours. If you tell someone they can’t have something they want well they want it more.

So my plan is to set mini monthly targets to help me on the road to a healthier lifestyle and hopefully weight loss.

Exercise- I want to play on the kinect a bit more to begin with. 3 times a week on Just dance, Zumba and Yoga games.

Food – I’m not cutting out the bad stuff just yet but I am going to control portions. I’m terrible at meals. I tend to snack and not have proper meals. I’m making an effort to introduce meals and plan then ahead of time so I won’t be left wondering what I want. 

Water- obviously this is a given. DRINKING MORE WATER!! Needed the most I know I don’t drink enough I’ve been told by a doctor.its not something I think about and coffee isn’t classed as water :p as much as I wish it was.

Mini monthly aims

My monthly aim this month is to cut down coffee to one a day and drink more water and green tea. I love green tea and it comes in loads of different flavours. My festive favourite at the moment is spiced apple.Green tea as I said in another post has many health properties. I love it for ridding my body of toxins and the healthier skin it gives me.

Next week I will do my first weigh in. Making my weight public and showing the results if any may give people the motivation and show that it’s the small things that make the biggest differences. You don’t need research super expensive weight loss drinks or diet plans. 

If you’re joining me on this dieting mission and setting mini monthly aims I’d love to hear from you :).

Love MJ xx 

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Happy 2017!

Firstly I would like to wish all my followers a very happy new year! 

Well when I planed this post I half expected to be writing it with a sore head and on the bathroom floor. Surprised much! I feel soo good I’m actually tucked up on the sofa with the dog and my tin of celebrations. Oh Christmas time! An excuse to eat chocolate compulsively!

What a year to say good bye to! I don’t know if I’m glad it’s finally over or a bit sad it is over. Been a weird one.  And what a way to see in   Definitely full of highs and lows but in all wasn’t that bad. It’s going to be memorable for me personally for a couple of reasons. Mainly my Uncle Ricky and James (BFNBFWINBF).
So I thought I would do a short review of 2016 with some of my favourite things to happen this year and not so great thing that will stay with me throughout. 

The good, The awesome, The epic!

There’s definitely been some great memories this year. Some I hope to keep with me forever 💙 here’s some of the best.

  • Obviously the best thing to happen in  2016 is getting with my gorgeous boyfriend. I honestly couldn’t be happier and so glad to have him in my life and at my side through everything. 

  • Had some awesome days out with my amazing friends. Including Drayton Manor, Birmingham, random trips to Cleethorpes and Mablethorpe seaside towns, Pokémon hunting to random places. Been a good year for adventuring.

  • Made some new friends! People who are now a regular occurrence in my life who wasn’t last year. People who care and take the time to talk and listen. A rare find but very welcome.
  • Seen some AMAZING movies this year.  Zootropolis, Deadpool, Suicide Squad, Nerve, Doctor Strange, Moana, Fantastic Beasts and where to find them, Me before You and The BFG to name and few! 
  • I discovered the fan dom of “The walking dead” where was I before?!

  • I found a love for green tea I didn’t think could exist between us and remains stronger than ever.
  • Carved my first EVER pumpkin.  Been crossed off the bucket list and everything!! 

  • Starbucks treated us to Banana caramel frappuccinos! And more recently Christmas coffee, roasted hazelnut lattes. Oh to die for!!
  • I hit the 10 pint milestone giving blood. received my badge and everything. Very proud moment.
  • I got my new laptop! Woop!
  • I was introduced to gaming my James. I now own a ps1, xbox 360 and soon to own a Nintendo 3DS and a PS4. Safe to say I’m  gamer now lol
  • And one of my happiest moments was hitting 100 followers on my little blog! Thanks everyone!

The not so happy times

2016 was all said goodbye to some well known and loved people. what a year for loss. I grieved a fair few celebrities which had one way or another impacted my life and the world I grew up knowing. Rest in peace 

David Bowie 

Alan Rickman

Harper Lee

Doris Roberts 

Muhammad Ali

Kenny Baker

Gene Wilder

Richard Adams

Carrie Fisher

Debbie Reynolds 

And also to my own personal loss this year, my beloved uncle RichArd Webb. Someone I owe a few life lessons too, who’s contagious laugh will stick with me for a long time. How my life already ffeels a little less brighter without you. I will never forget you. Give Grandad and my beautiful daughter a hug from me.

What’s in store for 2017?

Well I have alot to look forward this year. Mainly spending time with James,a holiday and working on my business I hope to have up and running this year. I don’t do new year resolutions but I do like settings aims to work towards I the year. 

  1. Blog everyday. Yep. I want to see if I can blog every day for an entire year. Beginning today. Let’s see shall we
  2. read 60 books this year. That’s about 5 a month. Last year I read 64 so tis do-able.
  3. Complete the 365 day photo challenge. This will be my year. Persistence.
  4. Keep a positive jar (come.back Thursday to find out more)
  5. Keep a new Journal and write 3 positive things a day. I am trying to be a more positive person and kick anxieties butt. Here’s to positivity!

Small easy reachable aims to work through. Am excited for this year. Feels like things could be changing for the better. what are your aims of 2017? Or your best bits of 2016?

More excitingly Fusion my beloved blog is going to now feature shared projects with BFNBFWINBF (James) and is getting a new look for the new year. 

Again, wishing everyone a very happy new year and all the best for 2017!

Love MJ xx 

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The One Before Christmas

Current mood….

I can only begin with an apology. I have tried many times for the last few weeks to start writing this post but have failed in a pit of frustration and misery. How time has flown and how things have changed dramatically in this short space. Christmas is almost here, like in five days. FIVE DAYS! it only felt lie a few weeks ago we were counting down to Drayton Manor and Ariana’s 1st birthday. Both which have passed. I wish I was more excited for Christmas but its so bittersweet at the moment its not real yet. Christmas is on Sunday. THIS SUNDAY.

Santa’s little helper getting into the spirit of of the season.

Where to start, probably with myself, I have been okay…that’s the best I can do I’m afraid. I’m okay. I have been stressed, overcome with anxiety and grief and tremendous joy in a very short space of time so not I’m happy to just be okay. And tired. Very Tired. I’m sad to say though I have ‘relapsed’. my battle with depression is continuous and to this date is winning. I’m back on my antidepressants. Things have been really hard recently, really hard and coping is becoming more and more difficult. I’ve had many a break down in the last few weeks away from everyone in the comfort of my own bed with my cats at my side. I’ve been ill which hasn’t helped anything. I have in the most basic terms a bleeding stomach. gross I know. Painful and gross. The days where I cant move from pain are the worse and when you’re constantly getting ‘not classed as an emergency’ thrown at you at least once a week you kind of lose hope. I am not on stomach tablets. It began with a virus which was eating the lining of my stomach, nice right. Now its believed to be an ulcer probably caused by the amount of stress I’ve had over the weeks.  for now the tablets work, I can eat again but I have no appetite what so ever, everything is tasteless and grime and unenjoyably. (that’s why I haven’t posted a dieting diaries in a long time-There hasn’t been a diet but the weight has shifted)

I live alone again now, my mother moved out and I now have my house to myself again. I love and hate it. With my current depression I don’t always like the solitude in the evenings, they’re long and difficult and leave far too much thinking time. Anxiety and depression come out to play and leave me a wreck by the time the sun rises again. Fun. I don’t sleep much but I do like having my house belonging to me again. am looking forward to decorating in the new year and getting some new bits and pieces. Christmas first. I need to remember.

The BFNBF is good. we are now official so I can call him boyfriend. I feel like I’ve wrote this before. sorry if repeating myself here. we’ve been official I think for about a month now, maybe more? and its going well. I just need to get used to the idea again, but we’re really happy. Had a few iffy spells but we call them learning curves, not arguing or falling out just a couple of hiccups. as I write this I’m waiting for his arrival and we’re spending the night together. movie night I thing as I’m not the greatest at the moment and not really up to gaming night. He is literally the best thing to happen to me for a long time though and I’m so thankful to have him. he puts up with a lot of my grief and misery and doesn’t mind. The same as Becky though that’s why they’re my favourite humans ever. Apart from my nan of course.

Speaking of family, I’ve had the usual drama. God I wish for a quiet life daily. DAILY. my brother has been a fool and broke both his shoulders these last few weeks. stress. a lot of stress involving hospitals and medical talk and no sleep for 48 hours. Thankfully his okay now and out of hospital. He was waiting to hear back if he needed another operation but he didn’t, just physiotherapy.

Concrete stairs 1 Richards shoulder 0

As I mentioned earlier the minion Ariana is official one whole year old. oh gosh where’s that gone! my little banana milkshake is walking and talking (kind of) and I’m nearly crying! she is growing into a little lady and its scary where the time is going. She had a cute little party with family and I think the highlight was watching her smosh cake in her face. I wish I could do that and get away with it.

Not all family news has been good though. My uncle Ricky passed away last weekend. was a shock and to be honest one I still haven’t come to terms with, meaning its not real for me yet. Its too sudden an unreal even though his funeral is tomorrow. Christmas week. I know his died and I wont see him again but my mind refuses to accept this as fact. I don’t know. its not sunk in. again probably I’ve been busy looking after everyone else but why cant I get this into my mind. I was like this with my granddad though then it hits like a bus. maybe it will tomorrow? maybe it wont be for a long time…I just feel pretty numb to it all and guilty because I don’t feel sad about it. I loved my uncle Rick so much I spoke to him every week but now his not there and its weird…

My nan and my uncle. One of my favourite photos ever 💖 miss them so much.

Have new year to look forward to. Feeling hopeful for a better New Year and a more positive outcome on life. Am looking to change alot next year and stick to what makes me the happiest and do what I want and not what everyone wants me to do. 

In January Fusion is having a make over. James (the boyfriend, he does have a name) is going to be helping me on a few new projects. Things we both enjoy and can share with people with simular interests. Hope to blog more too. It helps to get things out there especially when you struggle so much to interact with other humans. 

Hopefully will be a successful 2017 with a lot of highs and not quiet so many lows. Have a lot of plans but for now I just want to say thank you to all my followers your support throughout this year. Thank you for sharing these moments good and bad and giving me the inspiration and courage to do what I enjoy. Wishing each and everyone of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy holidays and hoping all your wishes and dreams come true in 2017. 

Lots of love 

MJ xx

P.S who else felt like this….ladies??

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#TBT…2008- The first chapter 

I wrote a while ago I would start a new series based on my ridiculous old journals I’ve kept all this time. Written up a published on here…Why not? Coming later than planned but here goes!

I have around 10 journals sat in the back of my wardrobe collecting dust, storing memories. Both good and bad and others painful. For every Thursday in the near future will be TBT a time I thought I would share these journals with people. I am not a good writer nor do I pretend to be. Back in 2008 I wasn’t interested in writing just wanted a friend so I bought my first journal and called “him” Jack and the entries became letters.

In 2008 when I began this journal I was 18,still at college and hating it as well as my life. I lived with family and kept guinea pigs and was in the early nerd stage. These entries weren’t very long so I’ve decided I’m going to do weeks. I want to also point out I have changed names of people mentioned and may have edited out some things unsuitable. Be warned there is strong language.

DISCLAIMER- Through out these journals I refer to several occasions I used to self harm. Some things may be unsettling to most people and triggering to others. I have wrote these entries as I wrote them at at the time. If you find the subject hard to deal with I suggest you do not read further than here. Thank you 

Monday 22nd September 2008

10.11pm    The Dark Universe 

Hello Jack. I have decided to make my first entry in this journal stand out buy writing on black paper with a gold pen. I love Black and Gold. It reminds me of writing on a midnight sky all dark and velvety, making the only light with your fingertips. I love to watch the stars at night and play that game of making pictures out of them too. (Or imagine tiny world’s out there with civilisations)

Today in the dark universe I like to call home,it was alright. I am slowly recovering from my bout of Flu which I have gracefully passed on to my cousin and Nan. Jimmy my guinea pig seems alright amused by my sneezing fits and gagging. I think it’s because he can’t!  Jimmys next to me now listening to music, savouring the last few hours before I have to return to the Grim institute.:( well more tomorrow I suppose. 

MJ

Tuesday 23rd September 2008

6.50pm

Well Jack Grim was alright today. Debra reminds me of one of pavlos dogs. As soon as the bell rings for class she’s drooling over the subject and everything to do with psychology. Then again most of the tutors do. Spent most of the day with my head in a sketch book. Tomorrow I shall have my head in a note book for creative writing. My other love in this world. Where I can create my own world…I’ve kind of created my own universe. I’ve drawn a solar system, written a full history of time,drawn maps, kept diaries from “historical figures”. I’ve created animals and people. A whole new society, a new way of living. I wish that I could live there forever. Just me and you Jack, with Edward and Spart and Wolfgang. I imagine myself as Leah and I’m there in this new universe watching the rising moons and the remarkable colour changing skyline. 

Just watching Jimmy daydreaming as ever. He himself is as remarkable small creature. His cute when he sits back admiring himself in him mirror. (His a very vain guinea pig!) He also buries himself when his cold. Ah off I go.

MJ 

Thursday 25th September 2008

10.25pm

I am sinking back in to a deep depression. I can feel the darkness suckling me in. I know this because I feel like punching everyone and everything. I feel hatred towards everyone and everything too. I feel so unloved and unwanted and annoyed. Sick and sad..I hate it. I’m really annoyed at my mum. She doesn’t care! I had a fantastic day at Grim considering. The lessons were fine. I had pavlos dog watching me all lesson again and Ally. In Allys class I do feel a part of the group in Pavlos dogs class I feel really singled out like I’m a virus that needs closer inspection. Blog. Is no better. The Welsh wonder hates me.i swear on it. She looks at me and judges me all the time because my mobile went off I  her first lesson. It was an accident. I’m in her tutor group too. Suzannah had a massive go about my maths. I can’t do it. The class move may too fast for me and I struggled to keep up. I didn’t say anything because everyone just thinks I’m thick anyways. I’ve never been good at maths. Probably never will. Vivs ok. I still think she has a grudge because i quit Art all the time ago. If I were better off financially I’d be an artist now. James is alright. His on the right level with students. His always a good one to talk to. He has been for me but I hate sympathy. I don’t need it and I get a lot of it from him. Poor art school drop out with no friends. I haven’t got any real friends. No one to share everything with anymore. I’ve never had a best friend. Everyone I’ve ever trusted has stabbed me in the back.

Don’t want to think about it given the mood I’m in. It will only make it worse then it will begin and I don’t want that. The thinking. I sound so unstable, I’m not..I just get morbid and panicked and make myself sick and scratch my arms to they bleed because I don’t know what else to do. A good night’s cry helps.

I had some good news to tell mum . something so amazing I could hardly believe it myself. Cathy Cassidy one of my all time favourite authors emailed me about my creative writing. She wants to read some of my stuff. How cool is that! Do you think my family care? “You’re always writing and reading” I always get a bollocking for that. It’s not productive but it’s the one thing I really enjoy. ah I’ve had enough, I’m off to be morbid with a morbid movie maybe “Creep” or “The Grudge” maybe. Good night Jack xx

Friday 26th September 2008

8.20am

Good morning Jack. I was happy earlier but now feeling really down again. I thought all my dreams were coming true earlier this week. There’s a competition for children in need,a chance to visit the Doctor Who sets as well as Torchwood and Sarah Jane adventures. I love those shows. I am addicted to them but I’m not going to enter. Mum pointed out millions will enter so what’s the point. It won’t be you. Oh I’ve got to go my cousins here…

6pm 

Depression hit lowest of the low. Maybe the world and life would be better off without me. I’m not wanted around anyway. I have no friends left, they betrayed me, hurting me,hating me. I wouldn’t be missed. Jade will be here then. A new family member to ease he loss of another. She wouldn’t need to know about me. Mum would have to look after Jimmy. I might leave him to Becky. She’d miss me. Maybe I should cut my hand again, watch the blood flow. No one notices anyway. I’m off for a walk.be home later.

Sunday 28th September 2008

7.32pm   Another boring Sunday 

arugh. I hate Sundays. There the most boring day of the week and it’s the same every single.sunday. Mum makes a huge roast  (which I never eat because I don’t like them) and once eevery ones finished eating moans about the washing up. I catch up on DVD’S, TV and movies. Today I caught up with Eastenders, Merlin, Tess of d’Urbervilles And The Simpsons. I have watched 9 episodes of Doctor Who watched two Torchwood and watched Gladiator as well as listened to the soundtrack. I have almost finished my Anio field guide completely and it’s only half 7. Now I think I’m going to listen to Andrew Lloyd Webbers CD and do some writing. I have a new story in mind. Depressions hold is loosening today. I’m not suicidal. I’m considering my own flat. I am recovering and no longer at my lowest. Reading is my mainbtherapy at the moment. I also met a guy called Matt 23, online today. My confidence has grown a bit in some ways about my career choice. Just getting there is the struggle. I best go. I have Law and psychology homework to do.when will college end? Speak later xx
As you can tell even then I was a bit all over with choices and feelings and felt unsure about everything. More next Thursday. Take care Fusionists 

Love MJ xxx 

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