Sorry I’ve not written in such a long time, today is literally the first time I’ve felt like sitting down with the laptop to write. I need to vent, I have so much in my head right now I don’t know what to do with all the thoughts and the feeling and its in a way painful.
For the last 3 months life has been full on, had a lot of things to balance out or at least learn to and I wont lie I have struggled. I haven’t been in a relationship for about 5 years so five months into the one I’ve realised how time consuming it is. Not that I’m complaining, I Love James a lot and our relationship is strong, even though we’ve had a couple of hiccups and the distance thing is getting to be an issue but we’re working on it together.
With spending so much time with James a lot of other things have suffered, like my blog, my time with other friends which hasn’t been a bad thing but I had upset a lot of people. I was worried I was losing my best friend in the world Becky, because I hadn’t seen her so much and I felt bad for it. It got me down. Really down. I felt like gaining a boyfriend I’d lost everything else. Which obviously isn’t the case. Yes some people have gone because they couldn’t be happy for me, which is sad but the people still in my life are the ones I know I’ll have for a long time ahead. Just had a lot of stressful times.
My Current worries:
- I’m wasting my life: Counselling didn’t work and now I don’t know what to do with my life, I really want my own business but learning and starting a business you need money, something I don’t have, I feel so stuck right now.
- My relationship: This is not such a big worry but there are time it is. I know what I can be like, all my passed experiences with ex’s tell me what I’m like and how annoying and that I can be. I don’t want to ruin this. Its on my mind 24/7 not to screw this up in a typical MJ way. I get too close to scare myself and say and do something stupid and feel guilty then start pushing them away more to save myself more hurt than someone else. I’m kind of in the pushing away stage at the moment, I keep telling myself James can do better, he doesn’t like me really or I’m really not good enough it doesn’t work…where as in reality it does work. Its worked better than any relationship I’ve ever been in. He listens, he actually cares about what I say/do/ feel. Its weird sometimes because again not used to having something so good.
- Missing loved ones: In December as I write previously My uncle passed away. I haven’t grieved at all. I missed the funeral and just carried on as normal but I think now its catching up. For the last two weeks I have missed My grandparents, Olivia and my uncle more than anything. I miss my Nan and being able to talk to her about everything. I miss my granddads advice about life, I miss my daughter and I wish she was here with me every day, I didn’t miss my uncle to recently when I thought about all the things we’d done together, in my mind he was still here with Sonny, cooking curries and laughing life’s worries away. I wish I spent more time with him. Isn’t it funny we wish things when its too late.
- My health (physical): it has been awful. I’ve had a stomach biopsy this year and on tablets and its no the life I lined up for myself. My weight disgusts me and so does my fitness and I want to make it all better. I have stared and am determined to keep at it. I’ve started zumba classes and dancercise, I’m starting yoga for relaxation along with meditation to help with my anxiety next week. I’ve also started healthy eating a lot m lore and knocking the binge eating off. When I’m stressed or down I’m leaving the food alone and finding something else to do, mostly my Journal (I’ll get to in a minute).
- My health (mental): I’m scared of getting to depressed again that everything stops like it did before. I’m worried that when I get that’s urges to self harm I’m going to give in and start again. I’m worried that when I want to give up I will make it happen and ‘give up’. I don’t want to take my own life. What a waste that would be but when that darkness sinks in and its all you can think about and you believe it is the best option…what do you do? I cant talk to people recently which I regret, that’s why I’m blogging, had this stuff I cant tell James or Becky or the hobbit, Ellie, work friends, Louise or family. I just can’t. What would they think of me? I’m weak? Why would they want to get wrapped up in this AGAIN? Its not fair on anyone. Meditation should help, well I hope
- Pregnant? Its on my mind. Its possible, but most likely not to be. Its a worry. Its something I wouldn’t mind, but its something James doesn’t want. I’m doing a test next week, either way I don’t know how to feel.
- Family: I don’t feel as close to my niece and nephew as I have been. I love them so so much, I really do but I don’t want to be around the kids when I feel like this. Its not fair on them, especially when I feel short fused, snappy and sad. Its not fair on them. I miss them so much.
I cant think of anything else right now, so I guess that’s everything that’s bugging me day in and out. More some than others. I think you can guess which ones rule my mind more. Its not all been bad though. Had a few good days out. Valentines day was good, our first one James and I shared. I’ve been and seen a few good movies, Lego Batman movie, Fifty shades darker, hidden figure and plan to see the new Beauty and the beast soon. we’ve booked in to go the Harry Potter studio next month and I cant wait really. Something to look forward to. We got a hamster too. Her names Cleo. She’s that little bit crazy that she’s ideal for our little fuzzy family.
I’ve also found a new way to journal which has been helping me relax and reflect a lot better. Its a mixture of normal Journaling, Bullet Journaling, Art journaling and a little bit of wreck journaling. I love it and find I have been more creative and able to organize and record things I’ve needed to easier than keeping a journal before. Its not full of negativity or bad memories, its bright and full of ideas and things I love. I want to share some things on here soon. So if you’re interested keep an eye open.
I’m going to try and Blog more, I’ll try going back to once a week and build it up. It was getting too much adding all these ideas and things I don’t truly enjoy. Small steps, like with everything else. Small steps. Thanks for reading