As you may all well and truly know by now, I am a rambler (OMG MY PHONE JUST SCARED ME STUPID…one sec)
So yeas I am a rambler and looking through my old posts noticed I leave a lot of cliff hangers and make some rash decisions and change my mind so dramatically but never give a reason or really notice. I am a very un decisive person. I cannot help it. so after browsing through previous post and picking up the loose ends I thought I would finally give you all closure…Where to start…
Okay, so the name of the blog has changed like a million times, why now fusion?
I choose now to settle on the name fusion as the blog isn’t about one subject, its a mixture. a fusion of subjects that I enjoy and am trying, learning about in my search to find WHO I AM, so Fusion as it describes best what its about.
What do you want Fusion to do?
Fusion was created purely for a place for me to vent and outward ‘discus’ subjects I enjoy, things that I cant talk to people about and sometimes to get my voice heard as half the time I’m invisible. my aim now for fusion is awareness. I myself have a variety of issues in my life such as coping with Depression anxiety, battle self harm and eating disorders, I just want to share what’s its like and has been like. Fusion for me is a journey and somewhere I share my experiences and show that sometimes people can go off the rails but it doesn’t mean they’re crazy, actually THIS is probably what is going on in their head, I can relate.
So, what does get you down and bring on these moods?
In all honesty, 9 out of 10 times I couldn’t tell you, the variation yoyo’s. it could be a person, something so one said or something I have thought. a lot of things do drag me down and that’s because I have a low opinion of myself and its easy to trigger off the hatred. a simple thing of not being able to do something can throw my mood into a downward spiral. If I feel I’ve said or done the wrong thing or even acted the way I thought wasn’t right. its very hard to explain. Something’s get me down more than others. The way people treat me, the way people see me, the way I am. also if I read a story or message or see something that hurts me in someone, this can drag me into a low mood. its impossible to pin point something in particular.
what do you do to get out of these moods?
its not always as simple as it may sound, it really depends on the trigger. sometimes I watch a movie in bed. I feel safe in my room, this is my comfort zone and my space. sometimes I eat (the eating disorder side of things) it makes me feel good for a little while. I like art. I find it a nice way to brainlessly work and make something and express myself. I keep a scrapbook, I also sketch and make things, I paint, craft and daydream and also I write. I write in my journal, or write texts to myself just spilling out every thing that has upset me. I also write this blog and keep a written journal.
Why didn’t I follow my dream and write
when I started fusion, my main career aspirations was to become a freelance journalist and be a published author. Nice dream. But that’s all it was really. a dream. I do love writing but as I got into writing as as a job, it became less enjoyable very quickly. Its like if you love strawberry milkshake, you like it because its a treat now and again, but what if you have to have Strawberry milk all the time, soon you’d get sick of it and end up hating it. this is basically what happened with my writing career. I just backed out before I totally hated writing. its ok writing fan fiction and fun my own fun but turning it into a career wasn’t for me, but at least I can say, I tried it :D
why haven’t you gone travelling, like you planned?
Best resppnse I have for this is, fincally its impossible. I cannot travel and give my house up. there were so many factors against me in the travelling things and when my nan was diagnosed with dementia I wanted to remain closer to her than being half way around the world. I was afraid she’d forget me or something bad would happen while I was away. This doesn’t mean I wont ever go travel or do the things on the bucket list, it just means the travelling for years at a go will never happen. I cannot give up everything I have worked so hard to keep for a long ‘Holiday’.
has the Bucket list changed then?
I have a bucket list page on this blog and yes it does change now and again, I add things and move things around, realistically I get carried away, my heart is always ahead of my head so I don’t really think things through, but the current bucket list I am happy with, I will be revisiting it soon, so keep and eye out.
Are you still at vet school?
No I am not. the reason for this is at the time of staring vet school I was sick. I watched Supervet on repeat and believed I could be him, in reality, vet school is a lot harder than I thought. its not that I wasn’t smart enough, I did pass my first year with 97% mark, but I don’t know it got to be less of an interest and more of a chore. As much as I love animals and want to help them, I wouldn’t make it as a vet. I am too compassionate and caring, meaning I care too much and its not a healthy relationship to have with every single animal that crosses my path. my heart would be forever broken.
what’s the new plan?
The new plan, well there isn’t much of one. I know I want to work with animals still as that’s my passion but the rest I don’t know. I know I want to get better first and concentrate on myself for once and getting me and my house sorted away from the stresses of other people. I know in the next five years I want to become a parent. I want a child so much in my life, I think this has never gone away since I lost my daughter 4 years ago. I think now the vet school dream has gone bust its time to find something my abilities can conquer. I was talking to a friend who has just stared and will soon be running his own doing grooming business. I don’t actually mind this. I think it would be quite fun, creative and hands on work, which ticks all the boxes for me. everyday would be different and everyday brings new people and animals. so never a dull moment as every animal is different. so maybe I will try and find a way into helping at one of these places for a little while and seeing how I find it. if I like it I’ll study it and go from there.
How your nephew?
I’m actually surprised I haven’t written about my nephew for a little while. He is now 14 months old and a real character, not only walking, talking and learning everything ever so fast, we have an amazing bond and I love him with all my heart. Dexter also has a surprise coming. My brother and girlfriend are expecting a second baby this year! the excitement levels I feel! I cannot wait. its a little girl! I’m so excited, I will try and keep you updated with Dexter’s progress and tell you all when my little niece arrives (around December 2nd) unless she’s going to be inpatient like my nephew and arrive 3 weeks early!
Do you still write to your pen pals?
Yes and No. the ones in Germany stopped suddenly and we haven’t written since. I still write (when I have time) to Tee in Australia. I should really write soon but I’ve really not had time or energy recently but its ok we usually only send mail twice a year. I can just send up a massive box of goodies and mail.
Ok, so what do you do for fun?
Fun?? when do I get time for fun or motivation! when I do get that odd moment of having both in the balance I watch movies, I am a movie nerd (which I may do am movie post once a week (top movie of the week?) I craft. as I mentioned before I have a scrapbook which I am slowly completing. I am taking my time with it so not to rush and ruin it. I still have my wreck this journal although I haven’t filled it in in for ever. I have a Nintendo Wii which to be honest I don’t play very often as it does annoy me when I die or keep losing. I have JUST DANCE which is fun but I wont do in front of people as I look like a demented jellyfish. I write still obviously, Erm I read when I can find something of interest, but that in all honesty isn’t all the time.
How’s life in general?
Its a bit all over, I still struggle a lot with my anxieties and depressive moments and it doesn’t take a lot set me off. things are stressful, its a constant juggling act to get the right balance and harmony, but as per usual one aspect is perfect then something else gives up or gives me grief. too much to deal with sometimes. I go counselling every week which I kind of like, its nice saying what ever bugs you out loud to someone, even thought they are paid to just listen to you no matter how pathetic things might sound. The gym has been a great distraction of life. I feel distant and time seems to go quick and painlessly when I work out. I’ll be glad to get back into a decent rotein next week, just right now I have appointments coming out my ears and I cant bare to take on more than I can handle at the moment. the gym is fine.
How are the cats doing?
They’re fine….Elmo is a part timer at the moment as the warm weather is here, Bandit is a home boy and still lets his presence be known with his famous ‘Mama’ Yowl, and Blue, he is growing up into a calm little lad, he is big and beautiful and I love him very dearly (like I do all my cats) and we miss our little lady very very much still. We love our Lottie.
Anything else you want to say?
A little but this post is getting a bit LONG so I’ll do it in points!
- I will on the 1st September (all going well) will be doing the first Vlog of fusion. will be a weekly thing as well as posting on here weekly.
- we have a Facebook page! (please like for more fusion fun)
- I have a crazy new addiction to the game minecraft and may introduce a small vid on the vlog of my ‘world’ I have created.
- I also have an addiction to Disney Tsum Tsums.
and I think that may be it all. for now at least.
Hope this has cleared up the unanswered! speak to you all soon
Love MJ xxx