my life am I tired. Its half term and today me and the minion have had a PJ day. Not because we want to, because I am so ill with this Australian flu the idea of removing my pjs to replace with jeans and a t-shirt is unbearable. cant believe how fast time has gone since I last wrote.
I have a new laptop now, a ‘I love you’ day gift from the fiancée, which was really needed, the old laptop had a broken keyboard with buttons missing and all sorts. this laptop is nippy and I can game on it. James did good. We’re currently sat in the living room of our new home, me in my Harry potter Pjs, Rowan in his batman ones watching ‘Chuggington’. this is the more bearable choice, if I have to watch another episode of paw patrol or Thomas and his friends I will have a breakdown and cry to someone comes and rescues me if they do…
So anyways its day 4 of Australian flu and honestly my limbs hurt, my head hurts, breathing hurts, talk about taking a hit. it took me nearly an hour to roll out of bed, if James was home today I would still be in it, I’m almost sure. I didn’t even get to work yesterday its been so horrible. as I have nothing to do and minion is quite with his TV show and dunkers, I can get a bit of peace to update the blog.
Well, we’ve been in this house two months now, my old on has ben given up, I suppose it feels like home even though I didn’t pay for it. I don’t pay for anything. I’m basically a full time mum now. even through Rowans at school. I work two days in a job I don’t really like, but the money I earn is mine., which feels weird really. It feels odd after being in a house independently and paying for everything on my own to be in a position now where I don’t need to pay for anything and anything I earn is mine to spend. I’m actually donating a lot to our wedding and holiday next year. I don’t need anything, and its there is I do.
The wedding plans are coming along, we have an engagement party in June, which is a basic affair which I need to get round to planning properly. Our wedding its self is going well, we have a venue and I have my dream car lined up. A VW camper van called Dennis to take me to our destination. I also have a date booked to go look at wedding dresses. I have no idea here to starts with that so I’m glad for the advice. I also have James ring picked out, I just need to choose an inscription for it. The wedding has kept me busy in some ways, life in general is either busy or not, testing or boring. I think my holiday in April and the wedding are the only thongs keeping me going at the moment. I missed out on my dream job working in a day care with dogs, if only I said full time, I would happily be there every day. Am gutted to say the least and part of me did blame this new family based life. going from independence to having responsibility for a child is a huge change. I cannot always put myself first, not that I did that anyways but the option is no longer available.
its still a struggle though. Rowan plays up. I get that kids do, but sometimes I really feel like I cant cope and give up. his rude, his impatient, he back chats, he argues. he has no respect for anything, like his toys and clothes, I guess that could be the 4 years of his mum not caring and his father spoiling him rotten all the time. We have a happy medium, of caring a lot but rewards only for good behaviour, not because his there and its the only time we’ll be spending time with him. just hard re writing 4 years of discipline, rules and him getting away with everything. His now at the stage his testing us. A lot. But his not winning, he wants the play up its him that’s missing out. No new toys, or stories, no trips out, no fun. his learning slowly but I know we have a long way to go. I have some parenting books to help out, its ok reading them and putting plans into action but if your partner doesn’t follow them you’re fighting a quickly losing battle.
Rowan also has to be tested for Aspersers. his behaviour at school and home are similar, despite being a bright little boy his behaviour stops him from achieving, he’d rather mess about and do things his own way. its really not good. I feel for him and the lack of a real mother he has, and how his situation probably does affect his behaviour. I just wish his mother gave more of a damn for him. he was supposed to go for the day today. Nope she cant have him, her partner isn’t there, so you’re saying you cant have you’re own son on your own but can look after your eldest and your parents 3 kids….what’s wrong with Rowan??? The most kids we’ve had in ur house was 7 that was my 4 god kids, Rowan, and my niece and Nephew, it was chaos but not to the point I couldn’t cope. what a ridiculous woman she is!
Obviously we’re trying with no luck right now. I have tests March 1st to see if I can have kids or not. I’m scared. I’m scared of being told I will never have them. I don’t know how I would cope with that knowledge, especially bring up someone else’s child. I hope everything’s ok and the time just isn’t right. Rowan wants a little brother or sister for Christmas. a brother he wants to call ‘Chugpatrol’ or a sister called Skylah. I LIKE Skylah. if we have a girl I will have that name. Rowan would be so proud to be the one to pick his little sisters name.
Anyways that was a quick life update, I promised to go play lego with minion so better get to it. hope you’re all well. Take care.
love MJ xxx