#TBT…2008- The first chapter 

I wrote a while ago I would start a new series based on my ridiculous old journals I’ve kept all this time. Written up a published on here…Why not? Coming later than planned but here goes!

I have around 10 journals sat in the back of my wardrobe collecting dust, storing memories. Both good and bad and others painful. For every Thursday in the near future will be TBT a time I thought I would share these journals with people. I am not a good writer nor do I pretend to be. Back in 2008 I wasn’t interested in writing just wanted a friend so I bought my first journal and called “him” Jack and the entries became letters.

In 2008 when I began this journal I was 18,still at college and hating it as well as my life. I lived with family and kept guinea pigs and was in the early nerd stage. These entries weren’t very long so I’ve decided I’m going to do weeks. I want to also point out I have changed names of people mentioned and may have edited out some things unsuitable. Be warned there is strong language.

DISCLAIMER- Through out these journals I refer to several occasions I used to self harm. Some things may be unsettling to most people and triggering to others. I have wrote these entries as I wrote them at at the time. If you find the subject hard to deal with I suggest you do not read further than here. Thank you 

Monday 22nd September 2008

10.11pm    The Dark Universe 

Hello Jack. I have decided to make my first entry in this journal stand out buy writing on black paper with a gold pen. I love Black and Gold. It reminds me of writing on a midnight sky all dark and velvety, making the only light with your fingertips. I love to watch the stars at night and play that game of making pictures out of them too. (Or imagine tiny world’s out there with civilisations)

Today in the dark universe I like to call home,it was alright. I am slowly recovering from my bout of Flu which I have gracefully passed on to my cousin and Nan. Jimmy my guinea pig seems alright amused by my sneezing fits and gagging. I think it’s because he can’t!  Jimmys next to me now listening to music, savouring the last few hours before I have to return to the Grim institute.:( well more tomorrow I suppose. 

MJ

Tuesday 23rd September 2008

6.50pm

Well Jack Grim was alright today. Debra reminds me of one of pavlos dogs. As soon as the bell rings for class she’s drooling over the subject and everything to do with psychology. Then again most of the tutors do. Spent most of the day with my head in a sketch book. Tomorrow I shall have my head in a note book for creative writing. My other love in this world. Where I can create my own world…I’ve kind of created my own universe. I’ve drawn a solar system, written a full history of time,drawn maps, kept diaries from “historical figures”. I’ve created animals and people. A whole new society, a new way of living. I wish that I could live there forever. Just me and you Jack, with Edward and Spart and Wolfgang. I imagine myself as Leah and I’m there in this new universe watching the rising moons and the remarkable colour changing skyline. 

Just watching Jimmy daydreaming as ever. He himself is as remarkable small creature. His cute when he sits back admiring himself in him mirror. (His a very vain guinea pig!) He also buries himself when his cold. Ah off I go.

MJ 

Thursday 25th September 2008

10.25pm

I am sinking back in to a deep depression. I can feel the darkness suckling me in. I know this because I feel like punching everyone and everything. I feel hatred towards everyone and everything too. I feel so unloved and unwanted and annoyed. Sick and sad..I hate it. I’m really annoyed at my mum. She doesn’t care! I had a fantastic day at Grim considering. The lessons were fine. I had pavlos dog watching me all lesson again and Ally. In Allys class I do feel a part of the group in Pavlos dogs class I feel really singled out like I’m a virus that needs closer inspection. Blog. Is no better. The Welsh wonder hates me.i swear on it. She looks at me and judges me all the time because my mobile went off I  her first lesson. It was an accident. I’m in her tutor group too. Suzannah had a massive go about my maths. I can’t do it. The class move may too fast for me and I struggled to keep up. I didn’t say anything because everyone just thinks I’m thick anyways. I’ve never been good at maths. Probably never will. Vivs ok. I still think she has a grudge because i quit Art all the time ago. If I were better off financially I’d be an artist now. James is alright. His on the right level with students. His always a good one to talk to. He has been for me but I hate sympathy. I don’t need it and I get a lot of it from him. Poor art school drop out with no friends. I haven’t got any real friends. No one to share everything with anymore. I’ve never had a best friend. Everyone I’ve ever trusted has stabbed me in the back.

Don’t want to think about it given the mood I’m in. It will only make it worse then it will begin and I don’t want that. The thinking. I sound so unstable, I’m not..I just get morbid and panicked and make myself sick and scratch my arms to they bleed because I don’t know what else to do. A good night’s cry helps.

I had some good news to tell mum . something so amazing I could hardly believe it myself. Cathy Cassidy one of my all time favourite authors emailed me about my creative writing. She wants to read some of my stuff. How cool is that! Do you think my family care? “You’re always writing and reading” I always get a bollocking for that. It’s not productive but it’s the one thing I really enjoy. ah I’ve had enough, I’m off to be morbid with a morbid movie maybe “Creep” or “The Grudge” maybe. Good night Jack xx

Friday 26th September 2008

8.20am

Good morning Jack. I was happy earlier but now feeling really down again. I thought all my dreams were coming true earlier this week. There’s a competition for children in need,a chance to visit the Doctor Who sets as well as Torchwood and Sarah Jane adventures. I love those shows. I am addicted to them but I’m not going to enter. Mum pointed out millions will enter so what’s the point. It won’t be you. Oh I’ve got to go my cousins here…

6pm 

Depression hit lowest of the low. Maybe the world and life would be better off without me. I’m not wanted around anyway. I have no friends left, they betrayed me, hurting me,hating me. I wouldn’t be missed. Jade will be here then. A new family member to ease he loss of another. She wouldn’t need to know about me. Mum would have to look after Jimmy. I might leave him to Becky. She’d miss me. Maybe I should cut my hand again, watch the blood flow. No one notices anyway. I’m off for a walk.be home later.

Sunday 28th September 2008

7.32pm   Another boring Sunday 

arugh. I hate Sundays. There the most boring day of the week and it’s the same every single.sunday. Mum makes a huge roast  (which I never eat because I don’t like them) and once eevery ones finished eating moans about the washing up. I catch up on DVD’S, TV and movies. Today I caught up with Eastenders, Merlin, Tess of d’Urbervilles And The Simpsons. I have watched 9 episodes of Doctor Who watched two Torchwood and watched Gladiator as well as listened to the soundtrack. I have almost finished my Anio field guide completely and it’s only half 7. Now I think I’m going to listen to Andrew Lloyd Webbers CD and do some writing. I have a new story in mind. Depressions hold is loosening today. I’m not suicidal. I’m considering my own flat. I am recovering and no longer at my lowest. Reading is my mainbtherapy at the moment. I also met a guy called Matt 23, online today. My confidence has grown a bit in some ways about my career choice. Just getting there is the struggle. I best go. I have Law and psychology homework to do.when will college end? Speak later xx
As you can tell even then I was a bit all over with choices and feelings and felt unsure about everything. More next Thursday. Take care Fusionists 

Love MJ xxx 

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Highlights: then to now in 5,000 ish words 

what a week.

I have no idea where to start, its been such a mixed one and has now resulted in my full of cold and sleep deprived at work waiting to make little cotton wool ball ghosts with some under fives…I do wonder about life you know.

So this week was mostly spent with kids and the BFNBF. Can you see where stress may lay in this combination? Monday we went to our usual place of Cleethorpes. The little seaside place which was a place where I used to enjoy visiting now and again but once you walk around it every week for hours on end it gets boring fast. BFNBF and I hardly spoke. I mostly listened and to be honest I didn’t like half the things I heard,like the BFNBF has all these plans with his life and it felt like what am I doing here then? I was with minion keeping him amused on this little push along bike thing. I think I noticed how I have patience of steal. trying to push minion along and then he tries to steer us in to walls. So for hours I was at battle with small child intent of driving face first into a brick wall. did have fun though. I was always worried about dating someone who has kids. I never want to come between the already formed bonds and there is always the kids hating you. I will never force a child to like me and I never have, they don’t like me that’s fine. Thankfully Rowan and I are besties. I love that little lad so so much, I miss him loads when I don’t see him and always ask about my third minion. He was upset when I left him after our day out. I don’t think he was hundred per cent well to be honest, BFNBF had said he’d been a bit poorly. I got cuddles and said goodbye. Don’t like me minions crying, makes me want to cry. Do anything to make them happy.

Tuesday had another day with the minions even though my morning had to start with a little bit of a nightmare. I picked Dexter up early as he really wanted to go feed the ducks behind the big Co Op in town.  He loves this, we have to buy fresh bread for the ducks as stale bread isn’t good enough and he likes to stand on the bridge one slice for duckies and one for Dexter. We got into town early, fed the ducks, had a visit while feeding the ducks from a guy I used to really like. One of these that are great to look at but you know it would never work out even if you were the last humans on earth.  a year ago I would have died because he spoke to me. Oh how times change. Things with the BFNBF can be overly complicated at time, and it can be so stressful abut I wouldn’t change it for the world. Seeing this guy again made me realise how lucky I am and more excited for him to get here with Rowan.  Nightmare started after. He was late. The park was closed (Who close a park on a kids half term?) Dexter got bored, I was stressing a bit and we decided to go to Wetherspoons for breakfast. well we didn’t get that far. Lets just say we had to leave sharpish and go back to my house lucky which isn’t far away. Dexter was happy to be at mine, he hasn’t been for a while, he made his self at home, turned on the Xbox and put Paw Patrol on. His two. what he achieved in five minutes took me days to work out. Oh I love the little guy. We sat and watched a few episodes had a breakfast of sausage rolls and Nom Nom cakes and crisps (so healthy) and waited for BFNBF to arrive.

A couple of hours later a hyped up minion we all met up. trying to get through town was hard though, the amount of people you run into when you don’t really want to it unreal. any other day when I’m not on a time frame I’d be happy to catch up, this day, a restless full of sugar two year old wasn’t going to sit quietly. I let Dexter walk with BFNBF and Rowan and I pushed the push chair just observing. The kids get on so well, Dexter loves BFNBF and its just nice to watch. we went to the shop, then Jumped into a Taxi up to Louth Play Factory. Its a huge soft play building where we can sit and watch the kids and communicate……YEAH RIGHT! worst idea I’ve ever had. It was busy kind of guessed that. the kids were excited and took off straight away. By this point I was getting tired. I’d had 3 hours sleep and a morning with Dexter was wearing and now being in a warm room with 40 odd kids was just tiring. I thought the BFNBF and I would chat possibly, catch up a bit. No. he played games o his phone. was not best pleased so I took my boots off and joined the kids. Screw it. A few hours later, tears and tantrums (from kids) and breaking up a fight we headed back. I had Rowan on my shoulders with the condition he doesn’t touch my new Helix piercing and his very careful (I promise Ree) and BFNBF pushed Dexter in the pushchair. was a long walk but was fun with he kids. BFNBF is a worse pushchair driver than me but Dexter loved it. BFNBF decided it was time for them to go so we waited at the bus stop Dexter started his chorus of ‘I don’t want to go home’. I kind of expected this. I had to take him home arguing the entire way why he had to go home but I promise to see you again soon. he missed BFNBF and Rowan and I think he was just over tired in all bless him. After I dropped Dexter off I went and updated Becky with life, we went to KFC and I filled her in on the last few days.  and how I was still debating about not continuing this thing with BFNBF. As I said sometimes the complication get too much and this week was the first ‘Full’ week we were spending together.

Now I have a confession. I spent a while writing the rest if this post for my laptop not to save it and it’s now 3rd November and almost a week since I started writing this. I have been angry and wanted to delete it but I shall continue in a more brief way than before.

Wednesday was a good day too..I spent yet more time with BFNBF and alot of time with friends I don’t see much. I felt like it was the boost I really needed half way through an already stressful week. Also this was the turning point of the week. BFNBF wants to borrow an account of mine to watch a TV series well I found this daft little question thing saying if you can answer all these correct you can have my password. I’m glad I sent it. Never really noticed how much the BFNBF knows about me or I him. From that came a open conversation which I think we needed. Airing concerns and talking things through  it was good and the best bit. It resulted in BFNBF becoming boyfriend. We are now in a relationship and it’s odd and I must stop calling him boyfriend not boyfriend. It’s such a habit now 😂

The rest of the week was spending time with BF..We went and saw the new Doctor Strange movie. It was okay but not my favourite movies this year so far. I liked the special effects. We watched it in 3D it’s a good movie. Sadly after that I got a cold and have been ill since. I still am now. This week has been quiet but good. BF stayed over and we spent more time together which was nice as over the summer time together had been next to non existent because of how busy he can be so I’m enjoying the time we spend together now. 

Also over the last week a nd a bit my baby niece Ariana is almost walking. It’s terrifying! She’s not even one years old yet! Time flies! 

I dyed my hair purple. I love it. It looks like Cadburys chocolate purple. Better than the yellow/orange it was before. Yeah won’t be doing that again.

I have solved my insomnia issue. For a good two weeks now I have some what managed a few nights good sleep (only the ones I was ill have been bad) and the cure was the BF. I stole his hoodie that smells like him and like a weird comfort blanket I have been able to sleep really well. He’s not getting it back 😂

And another highlight The Walking dead is back on TV! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so happy but not. I like the tiger though. Who wouldn’t want to be in a zombie apocalypse without a tiger. How bad ass.

anyways I think that’s all for now. I would write more but my eyes are watering with effort not to sneeze haha.

take care everyone 

love MJ xxx 

 

 

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The adventures of Lego Misty and Blue Cat

This is a random one for you but a humours one. Yesterday after visiting the BFNBFs stall (look out for next a weeks post!) I came home with a new video game “Plants vs . Zombies garden warfare” and one of his new lego pokemon figures of Misty and Brocks Eevee. I collect some of these figures now and again. The small pieces drive me nuts putting together aand when you have fat thumbs the pain is real.

So after a great day with BFNBF I head home to construct my new figure. I sat on the floor and opened the pack and the pieces rolled out. At this very moment my cat Blue decides he wants to help too. He is lego obsessed and loved nothing more than to bat these tiny pieces around but he has a dark side. 

Blue is a lego eater.

I’ve lost many a piece through my cat ranging from Harry Potters wand to Deadpools gun. Well this one hasto be his latest conquest.

Sat on the table a pose of pure fluffy innocence Blue bats , he pieces gently back and forth then being his evil vat self batted them so hard they fell on the floor..”No Blue” hos nose now pressed against the table trying to grab and chew what ever he can. I scooped him up put him.in the kitchen the mad cat protesting and set him down where he took off up the stairs. 

 Above: happily playing with lego awww…

I came back to the scene of the demolition and began picking up scattered pieces. I found all of eevee and began building in case lego eater returned..I made up Mistys arms with Master ball but noticed Mistys head and torso were missing still. I looked all around the living room under the sofa, in my bag boots and everything close by. Misty was no where to be found. 

Ok that’s weird…she was definitely in the set…cue Blue. Come running in from.the kitchen launches he’s self at the table and begins batting poor eevee around. 

All that was found….

Then I realised… must have grabbed Misty off the table as I took him into the kitche. For the nest half hour I scoured the house looking for the missing lego.  With no luck. Confirming my worse fears. Blue had eaten Misty.

I txt BFNBF asking a million questions about toxic and things while blue happily chews my boot laces (clearly eating a lego person hadn’t satisfied his hunger) the BFNBF confirmed there was nothing harmful in them so he won’t be poisoned. My next question how digestible is lego? No way can a cat pass a lego human through his system without complications.

I gave the house another search Blue thinking it’s a game and biting my hand in fun. Well he doesn’t seem affected by what his done? Still no misty.

I made the decision to keep a very close eye on this delinquent cat and if he shows any signs of being ill I will call the vet. He curled up beside my boots and went to sleep. The excitement of fun amd games worn him out. I played on the xbox for a few hours when I heard up stairs  Blue yowl. 

Oh God. I grabbed my phone ready to call out out the vet..I ran upstairs to find Blue in the bottom of.my wardrobe vomiting. After he’d done he looked at me and shuffled off the only way a cat can..getting ready to clean up the mess I saw a face peering from.the heap…he’d thrown Misty up. THANK THE SKIES!

Grossly I. Have saved misty and am keeping her as she’s been where no one else has been before. In my cats stomach. She’s going to have a week look bath in disinfectant before being touched.

Blue is fine and back to his Normal annoying self.and already has selected his next victim…I think some how my lego collecting days a re over…don’t you?

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Dieting Diaries S02Ep02…so it began slowly….

okay…I won’t lie I haven’t commuted 100% yet. I’ve had a few off days and I’ve turned to my old comfort….food. I’ve made a few changes though.

1. Instead of crisps I now snack on carrots. Yep carrots are the thing. And it’s funny as Sandi dog likes them too. Veggies together!

2. Always drink water..at the moment I only drink water. I carry a bottle with me. No fizzy stuff unless it’s diet or watered down a bit. Wouldn’t say driving much more than normal but having a bottle near by is a visual reminder to DRINK.

3. Walking. I aim to hit my 10,000 steps a day. So far I hit 8000 because I run out of places to walk and anxiety won’t permit heading out the comfort zone. Working on it.

4. Pokémon GO..started playing again. I quit against got bored but realised how much it makes walking more interesting.

5. Xbox Kinect. Exercise made fun and I don’t look like like dithering idiot in front of people. I can wobble and fail in the comfort of.my.own home and not. Inflict myself on the world haha. Mostly into Zumba and just dance but have to ignore the tiny part.of the screen where it shows how you look ddoing these dances..I cover it with a post it note. What I can’t see cannot hurt!

So a few things. This week I must go get weighed..I really don’t want to but how do I know If I’m losing anything in really my I don’t. As well as getting weighed I’m going back to the gym and swimming. 3 times anything week. The days I’m don’t see the BFNBF hopefully or it.means early mornings..I don’t like early mornings at all. When you don’t sleep any hour you officially have to get up sucks…

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Drayton Manor!! Minions big day out 

Well Sunday marked a week from our day out to Thomas Land. Taken a good week to recover. Amazed how quick it came around and how fast and smooth the day went. Anxious was an understatement. Everything that could have gone wrong must have crossed my mind. Nothing went wrong. Nothing. The journey there was long and Dexter gets travel sick. I was worried for him. He was sick twice on the way but nothing too bad.he went quiet for a while and looked pale I felt so bad for him. As soon as we got there he perked up. He had something to eat and drink and the excitement kicked in.

The minions were perfect. I cannot fault them. A two-year old and a three-year old in a theme park sounds like a nightmare but honestly they were so good. Couldn’t be prouder of them. They didn’t run off or have toddler melt downs. They got on really well and waited patiently in lines. And it made them so happy to see/meet their train idols. To be honest I don’t know Henry from Trevor but the boys were going around naming them all picking  rides they wanted to go on.

Was fun for us too. My enjoyment mostly came from seeing the kids having fun.the rides were great th staff always friendly..talking to us and the kids about different things.  We went on a few rides, I’m not really a ride person. Anxiety likes ro lost the possible dangers before getting on it plus with the kids neither who are mine was like extra cautious but it soon went away seeing how much fun everyone was having.

The theme park it’s self is pretty amazing. They have Thomas Land some big rides like shock wave and some water rides and they have a zoo and dinosaur part which we walked around. Reptile house wasn’t so keen..is hate snakes and being in a “shed” with more than  5 of them I was lucky not to faint haha. I put Dexter on my shoulders so he could see and if one did break out he wouldn’t get eaten haha.

After we went to this huge play park. Yeah I wasnt at my happiest here. Firstly I was on my own with the boys. The BFNBF and bestie went to sit down. That’s fine well the boys took separate directions and this park was far from being empty. As soon as I’d found one I’d lost the other and again not being my kids I panicked. It got better though. Once the kids found each other they stayed together so my life got easier. Felt like hours of Hell but I don’t think it was that long.

On the way back from the animal park we took a train (duh) it was nice actually, the detail of the ride back was interesting. They had model characters and train stations dotted about and it was like a tour of park. It was a nice break from  the walking about..abound abound gain the kids loved it.

That was my main aim of the day, the kids to have a memorable day full of fun. For me it was a little more. A chance to test my anxiety in an busy place, a opportunity to have a “family day out” with the BFNBF and all the most important people in my life to be in one place. You can’t put a price on that. 

I recommend Drayton Manor (Tamworth, UK) to any Thomas The Tank Engine fan young or old. I have memories watching the TV show with my brother when we kids and to share something we loved with his son was a magical experience. 

Scroll down for a few photos :) 

Love MJ xx

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Not feeling life right now…

***WARNING A RANTY POST**

I have so much to post the pile of drafts are building but to be honest I’m really not feeling  life at all right now. its like ‘Winter is coming (GoT gotta love it) and all the fun and joy is being sucked out of everything. Reading, writing, watching movies, socializing, its all a huge chore. I’m making mild effort to appear the normal functioning human everyone expects but inside i’m miserable and grumpy as anything. i don’t want to talk, i dont want to go out, i dont want to play games, i dont want to blog and the list continues.

Why though? I literally have no reason to feel so fed up. I don’t. life is okay. mother is moving out of my house in two weeks, things with the BFNBF are improving, there’s more good days than bad, i for once have a lot to look forward to but i dont feel it. its awful. I’m cutting ‘mood hoovers’ from my life because of all the other stuff i’m trying to sort out for myself i cannot handle all their problems as well. i actually begged my best friend if i can murder (jokingly) someone i know  because they’re so damn miserable, its triggering and all she has to do is say hello and i match her mood. Its weird. the difference though is i try to get out of these moods and do something about it. she doesn’t.

my other ‘friend’ has told me every single day for a month her birthday is coming…yeah we’re not that good of friends that I actually give a furry rats behind. in fact she’s an attention seeking little moo who speaks to people and treats them like rubbish and is lucky to have anyone in her life that actually speaks to her. i was actually thinking of all these ‘friends’ and people i know that have all these negative talents on MY life and like the book ‘Miss Peregrine’s home for peculiar children‘ open up a huge ‘care home’ and put them all in there together, just to see what would happen.  was always told everyone has a book I them waiting to be written, there it is there!

Today i have moped like the world is ending and i cant stand it. i bought some books and even a new Xbox game and nope, no motivation at all, to be honest i don’t know where the motivation has come from to write this given the list of drafts i have. Its been a lonely day. i wanted the BFNBF to come over but his been busy and i miss him which is also a reason i liked being single…have no one to miss. So I’m at work on the computer, writing this trying to figure out what i want to do ext, trying to think about rainbows and unicorns and cupcakes and feel a tiny spark of joy. It’s there some where just today it doesn’t want to come out and play.

I don’t know what to do today.😦 hope everyone has a better day than me. sorry for the randomness.

Love MJ xx

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Dieting Diaries: S02Ep01 FOR REALS NOW

Omg have you ever looked at photos, recent photos saw yourself and gone wtf. Yeah that was my thoughts this morning. What the hell have I done? I have ballooned up again and it’s awful. I hate when I lose weight then feel comfortable and then get careless. It’s vicious cycle and to be honest I am disappointed in myself. I know what I need to to do and I need to do it now. I can’t believe it.😦

Gaining weight with depression and anxiety isn’t the best thing you can do. My evil mind is already battering away at the insults but I guess it bullies you in the right direction? Bullies. It does that exactly. Some of the thoughts that’s crossed my mind this morning after the pics haven’t been kind. A long the lines of omg you look ridiculous! You can’t fit wtf are you doing? What does the BFNBF see he should have gone to specsavers. I know that’s a harsh thing to say about yourself but it’s about me. It’s allowed and.its motivation to do something about it.

So today marks day one of the new diet and the diaries want to keep with it. I’m going to do what I did last time as it worked..The gym healthier eating but allowing some bad stuff in moderation, DRINKING! That’s my big thing. Drinking more water and walking. It’s not exactly hard to do is it when it’s word like that. I’m actually off Pokémon GO hunting with the BFNBF and his family. I’m going ro walk my leggies off! *determine face* but I’m so tired I may need a litre of coffee before I step outside! Wish me luck

MJ xx

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