I have this evening/night been reviewing my posts so far on this blog and wow what a journey. From vet, student to Counsellor, from wanting to sell up and travel to dieting and movie reviews. fusion has remained what I wanted it for originally, I pace to ramble freely, talk about interest but mostly help me with my self discovery and being true to myself and I hope it will do for many more years to come.
I have decided to bring back a popular favourite on this blog which was dieting diaries. I sure there are many people out there who face the same struggles with food as I do, I will also be catching up with fusion fiction and fusion films and of course just blogging in general.
This week has been a real rollercoaster. I cannot tell you what an emotionally challenging week it has been. it began really last weekend. my first counselling assignment. IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT! the entire things was so stressful. it was a ROLE PLAY. if I wanted to act I would have auditioned for Harry Potter movies, EastEnders or even Game Of Thrones, WHY WOULD I BE A WOMENS REFUGE WORKER!?! I had to be this worker and the oh great Yoda or Knowledge about counselling and the Cognitive Dissonance Theory…seriously what refuge worker will know about Cognitive Dissonance!? I’d never heard of it to last week when the course told me about it….FYI its a theory that humans thrive if they are psychologically consistent. If some one disagrees with them its mentally upsetting and that human nature is to react to ease this by either agreeing or taking action against but also easing the discomfort….make sense? (learnt something didn’t you? Didn’t know this blog could be educational did you…neither did I to be honest with you) so anyways, Becky was my willing volunteer and no joke holding a recorded 10 minute conversation was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I cant talk for 10 minutes! not about going to counselling anyways.
So anyways after an hour and half of trying we finally finished (the conversation was only 5 minutes long, but I was so mad I hardly cared) after we went for breakfast/lunch to celebrate what a fail that was. All I had to do was upload it to the website and its done. well sounded simple right…to hell was it. The website REFUSED to accept it. I tried on my laptop, mums, my tablet, mums tablet, my phone, and then 4 pcs at work AND even got my Dad in London to try from his laptop. from the first time it refused I contacted my University to tell them….I rang, 13 times leaving 13 voice mails (over 4 days) sent 10 emails to tutors, university officials, my tutor, the IT department, no one responded, my assignment end up late and no one bothered to answer my distress. It put a lot of doubt in my mind, maybe I’m not cut out to be a counsellor as at the tiny hurdle I was all ready to drivee to the Humber bridge and jump off it and end my own misery (in to=thought, not in real life) I was mad and just kept pitting myself down, for those four days I was pure miserable. Monday I was fuming, I wanted to quit and just do anything but that. back to the careers office settle for something easier like always….Everyone I spoke to told me not to quit, Becky, Dave, James, Helen (AKA Goose) and most people at work…not my boss she’s in Spain and part of me wishes she wasn’t as I’m most likely to listen to her than anyone, we don’t call her mother for no reason. On Tuesday I despaired making a choice to stay or go.
Wednesday in my final plea to remain I wrote a Angry email to my advisor, Lorraine. I didn’t want to bother her or take any of it out on her because no joke from day one she has helped me with every single thing, she seems to be the only one that works there but I emailed her as a last resort and just made a formal complaint about the university, their crap student services and asked how can I leave or transfer to another, preferably Hull. Well…I got a response in a minute, literally. my mail box dinged and Lorraine apologised, and got on to it that moment. Put it this way, shes still dealing with it now. Their system is crap that its still being delt with.
Well once stress starts it doesn’t stop, everything becomes stressful and off putting. I was at home Thursday just looking out the window watching the birds in my trees and I got the biggest panic attack of my life, I have no idea where it came from or what triggered it. It was so bad I was shouting stop stop stop to my voice hurt, it took about an hour for it to fully pass. was sweating and cold, felt sic and couldn’t stop shaking for ages. my breath was that of an asthmatic. I still cant put a finger on where it came from, it was so rapid it was like drowning. anyone who experiences them will know how physically draining it can be. I didn’t do much else for the rest of the day.
Friday was better. I saw my bestie Charmaine, and my gorgeous God Kids, and went out with Becky to KFC and the cinema. we saw the movie Central Intelligence. Oh My was sooo funny. my sides killed when I got out, The Rock I have never found attractive to I watched that movie, it honestly is the best movie I’ve seen this year and will review it tomorrow no doubt. Definitely cheered me up. after we went to Hubbard for a walk. I have that Pokémon GO game so had a nosey for Pokémon as we walked while humming the theme from the TV series. (I caught a Ghasty and was very proud as it was a bugger to get!) To be honest that game has been a welcome distraction for the last couple of days. I love it. I think I will explore tomorrow with my iPod and a bottle of waster and see what I can find.
And there was today. It started miserable. Its rained all day. No joke, it has tipped it down which makes for a rubbish day, you can’t do much or anything. I went and saw James (Steve-I got his permission to use his real name, so Steve’s real name is James haha- Just to clear that up)
James works on market selling toys, movie memorabilia and video games, so its always fun to go see what new stuff he has (before I met him, I had two key rings on my keys, now I have about 20) we usually hang out Wednesdays and Saturdays, mainly if I have time but now I try and keep them free to see him. I enjoy his company and the stalking session and just plain messing about with such an awesome friend, who I AM SO GREATFUL TO HAVE. he doesn’t read the blog so I know he wont see this but I am truly grateful for his friendship, his honest and blunt and says it how it is. Becky does all this but its refreshing coming from someone else and he just makes me laugh and feel good about myself and makes me happy to be me really. Today he wasn’t really happy when I first arrived, the rain was nasty and he was in one of those cannot be bothered but have to be here kind of moods. I got up coffee and Bacon buns and just chatted as always, had a right laugh. Then I left him for a couple of hours to shop and lunch with mum which was nice as we don’t see much of each other right now with us both having busy schedules.
I managed to get a book and a couple of DVDs and I went looking at Joe Browns stuff and was happy just being almost girly for a little while, looking at dresses and nail varnish and handbags, its okay to like both I know. Then after that we had lunch at a small tea café which I adore called Tina’s, the manger there is such a nice guy and we always have a little chat. The food there and milkshakes are to die for. After that I went and got some drinks and returned James and stayed through to half 5. I just love his company, I would choose it over anyone’s right now to be honest.
I feel okay now, thanks to mainly Becky, James and Charmaine, My Dexter and Ariana and of course Oscar and Verity. I just wish that things could be different sometimes. I wish for lots of things, mostly right now I’m thinking want to start a Vlog and keep up with this blog. I want to do something creative, as in work from home right now and still practice to be a counsellor.
WHY IS THIS LAPTOP SO ANNOYING! its underlining everything and I have no idea why…
Tomorrow instead of being boring and working I am going to look at other blogs and give this one a makeover. its been the same for a long time and needs a professional touch to it now, than the almost childish thing it is. I need to recreate some pages and rewrite the bucket list and entwine this with my real paper journal I write in everyday. Tomorrow I will write the first re-instalment dieting diaries and kitty blog😀 I need to plan on paper first. hehe
Thanks to my lovely followers the fusionists who have followed this blog through everything that I have done and changed my mind and talk myself into and out of. Hoping for a smoother journey. Knowing me and my Anxiety, depression, OCD and other disorders it wont be…but where’s the fun in that haha!
Love MJ xxx