The Monday after the night of the spontaneous bonfire

Good morning dear fusionists!

Last night as you can guess from the title (after I watched the rugby) I had a spontaneous back garden bonfire, and said goodbye to all the rubbish that has built up and stopped me living in the NOW. It was a great feeling. Goodbye all the users, the mood hoovers, the negativity, the doubt, the people who drag me down, the ex’s and those people that aren’t worth my time and inner celebrated the ones I’ve loved and lost. My granddad, my daughter Olivia and my little Lottie and Spookie (who visited me in dream last night). It took hours but I did it. I got rid of all those reminders, packed away and going to seal the box with all my previous journals in a dn going to now live my life how I want. I’m going to do the things I want and save for the adventures and objects I wish to possess. I cannot wait to begin!

My excitement at the moment is building mainly for Halloween. I have always loved Halloween. I have no idea who, it think it’s because I can celebrate being different without for once being judged and I do love this time of year. Last night was the perfect night to have a bonfire, a chill in the air, a light mist settling in, oh my it was amazing. Ideal time to say good-bye demons and welcome the new me into the now. The me that is going to fight for what I want, to do what I want and the me that has finally be able to accept myself for who I am and realise you don’t need other people to make your dreams a reality. All you need it the willpower to fight on. I do.

I feel like I’m in a good place at the moment. I feel positive. I have a job I love, im studying something I’m interrstied in. I got a car last night (well its shared) but it’s still a new adventure. I’ve got London to Brighton coming up, I’ve got a university open day next week. I am buzzing with all these positive vibes. And it’s a new month next week. need to pick something to do different through out again lol. Next year is going to be my biggest adventure yet for what I am currently thinking about but this is something I do not wish to discuss on my blog just yet. Soon though.

What have you done to symbolize a new chapter in your lives? How did it make you feel? Right now I need a shower as all I can smell is ash in my hair and to finish packing up the past and continuing into my future. Oh the feels!!!

Thank you so much for sharing this life journey with me! I love my dear little blog, I never knew after almost two years of writing it I would still go back to it. I’ve tried blogging in the past but all failed.

I cannot wait to share many more adventures with you guys! Take care all

Love MJ xxx

‘Life isn’t about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself’

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Dear fusionist,

Hello all, how are you this chilly September evening? I’m sat lounging on my sofa with my fluffy purple blanket watching Shrek sipping a coco with marshmallows. (totally a rock star at 25!) And as you can guess the diet isn’t on track if I’m having marshmallows with coco. Oh well I’m HAPPY!

I cannot remember the last time I was truly satisfied in my life, I am happy, i’;m not just saying it, I actually feel it. things are relatively good at the moment. My family are good, my mum has started her new job and is loving it, it gives me more alone time and me time, which I admit does get boring but is highly required if you’re like ma and as temperamental as a racehorse. my OCD is extremely happy too as we get to arrange, tidy, clean and organise as much as our little heart desires. (its so much easier if no one else is underfoot!) My brother, usually the bain of my life is doing well too (for once).  he got engaged to his girlfriend and I couldn’t be happier. (do you know how hard it was to keep that a secret!) the ring, I give him props, its beautiful!  his finally getting his priories together.

And that’s basically what this is all about. my beloved counsellor has ALWAYS repeatedly told me to ‘do things for myself’ meaning basically sort out your priorites YOU COME FIRST! so that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve taken time away, left everyone to their own devices, took a backseat to everyones problems and put myself first and this is the results:

  • I have a better relationship with my family. we communicate more about important things.  me and my brother are closer than ever, we hangout a lot, talk and text all the time and I love having his around. We talk, go out, play video games, its like repeating our childhood the way it should have been (without all the arguing, fighting and squabbling.
  • I’ve given people who take an interest in my life and care more attention and dropped those people in my life who ‘Mood hoover’ (a fabulous saying from my counsellor to describe people that suck all the happiness out of you) and my social life maybe busy but I have brilliant relationships with all my real friends.
  • I have found my calling in life, enrolled in a university course and arranged open days, qualifications a career plan ALONE. I know what I want to do, I know what I need to do and I know what I’m going to do. I am so determine t5o make this work I study daily, to the early hours of the morning.
  • I’ve done something I’ve always wanted to do and I LOVE IT! I volunteer at the library twice a week as an IT support assistant and do what ever else is required of me. I LOVE IT! its me down to a tee. I love books, I love children, I love organisation, I love technology and I love helping other people!!! ticks every single box! I work now Tuesdays and Thursdays unpaid but again happy.
  • I broke up with my now ex. things weren’t working and it became a drag and I felt too guilty to do it to start with so in the end I thought about it and my happiness should come first, even though he wasn’t happy, but it helped my low mood life considerably.

there are probably more things but I cant think of them right now (Shrek and donkey have just got to Duloc and is about to do that singing thing…love this bit). my best friend got some good news today too. she got a new house. its beautiful and its exactly how I picture my first family home. a proper cottage with the land and the slate floor and the beams, huge family rooms with cottage doors. oh my I love it. am so and happy for her and her husband the kids. they are going to love it. A lot of positives in life at the moment. I do still come across negativity, like people insulting you but that’s for another day. Happy right now and no ones petty comments are going to drag me down! I will show you. I swear I will show you what I can do and will achieve. might not think much but trust me you will….that’s all I’m saying.

Thank you each and everyone of my dear readers for you constant support on this blog. I am still testing with the Vlog but its a bit fun! I hope to write back soon! take care all

Love MJ xxx

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September…How I love Thee

Hey fusionists!

Finally September has rolled around. I don’t know why but I LOVE September, I get really hyper and happy, and I love the feel of the chill in the air and the leaves start falling and bonfires and all the goodness that comes with winter to soon come about!

Had a ok week, lets start with he important bit. I had my eye test and my sight hasn’t changed at all really, if it was a percentage it would be like 0.0001% or not even that, so the pain in my head remains a mystery. back to the doctors next week to have my referral to a neurologist. again, I’m not really worried, just going to go with it and see what the future brings.

Secondly, I start college in two weeks! I have settled to become a counsellor, the more I think about it the more I feel excited by the idea of it, I’m hoping to go Grimsby University to finish it next year and then finally have a decent career in place. So to celebrate my new found career prospect, I have been stationary supply shopping, a bit Over the top but love it. must have got like 4 note books, highlighters, folders, organisers, I was so happy when I go home I seriously wanted to roll around the floor hugging them all. amazing YAY.

As September has come around and lest be honest right now I do have a lot of time on my hands I have decided to take on a few challenges for 30 days. The first is being to Vlog. Now I will be honest I haven’t Vlogged every day as I haven’t had a decent camera and technical difficulties but today and tomorrow I am going to make up the difference and then try and vlog every day for 30 days. The Vlog is on YouTube and is named the same as this…Fusion1 if you guys want to see go check it out! and secondly my other challenge is getting up early everyday. Oh my life its not as easy as it sounds, 5 days in and I’m sick of it, if I have to wake up to the banana splits ‘Tra lalala’ song anymore I will throw my phone, but I am finding my time is more organised through out the day, I don’t have to miss things out just but having the extra two/three hours in the morning, I will endure it to October. I have some more challenges to try. Its on the bucket list now to try 30 day challenges through out a year so if you guys have any suggestions please do comment or message me with them, would love to try some!

And I think the last thing I really have to report to you guys is I’ve got a job. It was weird really, I went into the library to see if my books for my counselling course had come it and I came out with a job (and I forgot the books!) I am for two days a week an IT trouble-shooter. I help people at the library use the computers check emails, reserve books and computers and that kind of stuff, its not challenging at all which to be honest right now I need as with everything else going on in my life I don’t need to add more. it will be nice to meet people and help them and hopefully make there computer experiences a bit easier. I wont like, my anxiety is a bit high thinking about it all and I feel sick but all I can do is try my best really. :D

as its Saturday I’m going to have a bit of a lazy day, I want to make note of some now vlog ideas and challenges hopefully me and( Becky if she’s interested) have a go at doing. Hope you guys have a great weekend what ever your doing!

Don’t forget, Life isn’t about finding yourself its about creating yourself. BE YOU!

Love MJ xxx


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Back to School Season!!

Dear Fusionists!

Yay today is that day! its filled with that feeling of changes and new beginnings! 1st of September. Every year on the first I get so excited, I want to buy new stationary for no reasons and a new folder and all the other back to school goodies…even though I am 25. I love this time of year, I love Autumn and the chilly mornings when you breathe in you can feel the cold filling your lungs and the cold on your nose. LOVE IT!

Today also is the first Tuesday of September, there for all those fellow Tsum Tsum collectors know, its release day! Nightmare before Christmas Tsums NOW on sale, ordered mine yay. I am just in general excited, its a September thing!

At the weekend, my bestie for life took me on a ‘date’ to cheer me up and take my mind off of my head issue and other drama in my life. Being a surprise I get to sit in the car and guess inwardly where are we going? to be honest I didn’t have a clue, for a moment I was convinced it was a trip to Ikea as we have previously discussed we need to go there. I was wrong…As we travelled on, nattering, playing the  ‘Stobart’ game and just having a giggle. we ventrally arrived at Yorkshire wildlife Park! OMG! excitement overload. I LOVE ANIMALS, and I love wildlife parks and learning and all these key things all in one place. Becky really knows the way to my heart. Animals, Disney and food. what made this so much more exciting it, we saw POLAR BEARS! yes not your average creature roaming around the Yorkshire countryside, but these were beautiful and so mesmerising to watch. They were rescued from a Mexican zoo and kept in tiny tiny cages and well to see them now playing in their own lake and being able to play and move and walk and swim is a beautiful thing. The one we were watching (Victor) was playing with a plastic bottle, it did remind me of the classic coke adverts. so cute!

we saw loads of other animals too, my heart is always with cats, big or small, even though I admit polar bears won this round, we saw Tigers, Lions all been rescued, we saw wallabies, Owls, Hawks, Giraffes, Leopards, Meerkats and so much more. it was such a great day out. After that we went o Frankie and Bennies, I love their food. its the best. and then to top off our date we went to the cinema and watched ‘Paper Towns’.

The movie was better than I expected, I have the book and I haven’t read it. I like John Green and after watching/reading The fault in Our stars, was very keen to see this. It was not what I was expecting in the slightest. Its very impacting on the way you look and choose to spend your time in your life, it made me think in the 25 years I’ve spent on earth what have I done? what have I achieved? what do I want, what can I do? I want to travel, but not back pack, I want a good steady job where I can help people, the way some people help me, everyone needs help at some point or someone to talk to so why not be me? I want to tick off things on my bucket list and fund raise and try as many new things as possible, if they work out or don’t. Its the life experience at the end of the day.

so this brings me back to this day…The day I enrolled into college, the day I have finally picked a degree to study and hopefully become. The excitement of college, and studying, not just for me but others, I want to be that person that helps a young person achieve what they want out of their lives, I want to be the person to show them, you’re life is worth living, I have been to the same dark place and trust me their is light at the other end. Things do get better and you cab be who you want to be if you put your mind to it. (I know its so cliché but its true!) I have tried and fail in 4 different careers, why did I fail? My heart was clearly not in it. Not life now. I have a passion to help people, even thought I do feel sometimes they just don’t deserve it but people can change.  I am living evidence.

I have enrolled to become a counsellor, much like my own beloved Mika, who I owe so much to. I want to help children and teens, and young adults as I do believe it can be the hardest time in your life, the transition from child to adult. the world is a scary place, I know, it still scares me, but you got to do it! you’re not going to get another shot at it.

so now I’m going to review my becket list and see if there is anything I can tick off of it, something new. Start learning another language? start a new hobby? I will let you all know.

First Vlog goes up tonight. eeeeeep1 wish me luck

Lots of love MJ xxx

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Finding Joy when Sadness, Anger and Fear are at the contols

Dear fusionist

If you get the reference to the title you have obviously seen the magic that is Disney’s Inside Out. I cannot express how accurate that movie describes depression and, Fear is the image of Anxiety. I praise Disney for this creativity funny but very Deep movie. It reminded me of my childhood in so many ways and brought back the adventures I shared with my very own imaginary best friend. If you haven’t seen it…GO NOW!

So, not such a great week in the MJ household, there’s a lot of things I have on my mind, and a lot of people, places and a small tiny group of passions waiting in line. The worse thing about depression? losing everything you really enjoy. By losing I mean, not being able to like that anymore, not matter how much you try and try. Its horrible. so what have I done to help this? My main joys have always been writing and reading. At the moment that is a no go, I cant read a book because I cannot get into it the way I used to, the same with writing and drawing, I just look over what I’ve done and feel even more disappointed in myself.

What to do? FIND A NEW PASSION! so I did. In small doses I have created and still am creating a scrapbook of happy things, that I have done with friends, family or myself. its got things I’ve collected and when I flicked through the pages I met with happy memories and ones that haven’t turned sour. I’m taking time over it as my creativity comes and goes like waves. I am proud of it though and will upload photos to show you all soon :D

My other passion is at the moment I have found a crazy joy in collecting Disney Tsum Tsums. There is a whole community of ADULTS out there who Love these tiny stackable Disney beanies. I love Tsum Tsum people! I have made friends and I get to trade and build my collection with people with the same passion. I now have around 30 of them and 6 of them came from a friend who lives in Hong Kong. I can get a bit obsessed when I hear news and I find myself nattering on and on to my mum about it who obviously doesn’t know what I am talking about but none of my friends collect them or find the same joy, so that’s when the Tsum Tsum addicts Facebook group comes in. I am now a regular and I love discussing future releases and feeling excitement or having something to look forward to when initially your outlook on life is pretty bleak.

With Tsum Tsums came another passion, well two. Gaming and YouTube. Firstly gaming. Disney Tsum Tsums started off as a Japanese game and soon became a big hit. I love the game and have well over 1500 friends who I play with on a regular bases. You try keeping in the top 20 every week when people score over 4 million point *phew*. After this the toys came out and well, that was it. When I looked up Tsum Tsums on YouTube I found Chad Alan, Radio JH Audrey, Cybernova, Dollastic, Dude With Dolls, and hundreds more. These guys and girls introduced me to the world of collecting toys no matter what age or gender you are and just about being yourself. Mostly Chad Alan. He is a guy that likes Dolls and I am totally with him all the way. If I had a son and he wanted to play with a Barbie or my little pony or a girl that was into hot wheels and Lego I wouldn’t stop them. Through Chad, I found Minecraft. My big gaming passion, where I play mini games online against people or offline where I just build and play the game and have me time a and fun. With craft came more youtubers, especially my favourite gaming Youtuber LDshadowlady. I LOVE HER! and as I write this she has just uploaded a new video *sqeeeeee*

LDShadowlady AKA Lizzie has introduced me to more games, new and retro, including the Sims 4, Five nights at Freddy’s, Wheels and going back to the good old days, Pokémon. so right now Gaming is a huge passion, I like being someone else and being about to get away from the negativity currently in my life and just pretend to be someone else. Tonight I’m going ton minecraft just to wander around being a crazy person with a diamond sword. Its FUN! My brother today has made the cubbishness of this week fade as he bought me a retro Gameboy off Ebay with some games including the original Pokémon. Did I ever mention I have the world best brother?? I just did!

And finally Blogging has become a passion too. Being able to tell everyone what its like to be me and about my life is amazing. sharing stories is one of the only things I love about being human. Our ability to tell and share stories, We are constantly doing it everyday. its a beautiful thing we can do and nearly everyone takes advantage of.  sharing stories, about ourselves, someone else, something we’ve learnt. teaching each others. That’s why Blogging and Vlogging is so amazing. you’re not just telling that one person, you’re sharing it for hundreds or more people to read, learn, laugh, cry and experience.

What do you guys do for fun? are you gamers, Writers, readers? do you play sports? or do you watch reruns of Glee/ (I am so guilty of this BUT I LOVE IT)

its really not easy finding a joy when you think the world is against you or you think its over sooner than its began. I know right now I feel like my life is spiralling out of control again but at least these small things are keeping me rooted and reminding me that’s who I am, that’s what I Like and that’s what I am going to be and Do as its my happiness not anyone else’s.

Okay jabbered enough, I’m off to take painkillers for the head pain (see previous post) and going o watch stome Youtube Vids and get my game on!

Laters guys Love MJ xxx



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Dear fusionists,

For the last couple of days, I haven’t had such a great time. When it rains it pours on me and some of the things that may sound juvenile are actually building up into a ball of anxiety and fear and sadness. I want to share these things with you, to shine a light on what actually makes a person feel the way they do, and I don’t have my counsellor for 3 weeks now because she’s on holiday and I really wish she wasn’t. so let’s start.

Tuesday 25th August 2015

Well this day sucked. From start to finish. It started with the bank cash point eating my card. Nice. As a result, I cannot pay my bills ON TIME, so next mission, ring up bank to order new card and ring up bill agencies to say I WILL BE PAYING 5 DAYS LATER THAN PLANNED IN TILL MY NEW CARD ARRIVES. They said that’s fine, thanks for calling. Went home, the internet company who I had JUST spoken to, who said Yeah its ok, had restricted my internet usage….WFT! Using my mobile to try ans access their website to complain, found my phone network was flicking to Network from No Network. Took a trip to carphone warehouse, to find out my sim card is in fact faulty but as on a contract, they cannot do anything in to the sim breaks as at the moment I walked in, it was working. I think a lot of people where I live chat a lot of BS and just are plain lazy but yeah left it, returned home to my beloved cats and dogs! Yay. All scratching like it was the latest craze….why? of course they would, they have picked up Fleas, Oh my Life! Went on a mission around my tiny town for Frontline Flea treatment, not even a lie, every vet in town was SOLD OUT! OMG! Getting mad now. Bought the strongest one the vets had and all the hose stuff, spent in all around £50 for all this stuff go home to start de flea-ing and fumigation of the house. On doing so, mid-way through hovering , my hoover broke. I gave up. I went down stairs with my laptop and watched 4 episodes of Glee summing happy thoughts. This was working well to my brother called me. He usually rings if he wants something, to ask something, to rant about something or to ask if im home but I wasn’t expecting what he had to say.

As I may have mentioned in my previous post, I am going to be an Aunty again! I love Dexter (my nephew) and am so happy and excited to have another to love. Losing my own daughter, I have bonded so well with Dexter, I love him so much, I really do think the world of him and am so excited to meet my niece. Yesterday, My brother and his Girlfriend had a doctor’s appointment about the baby and found out, shes not doing too great. She’s not growing in the womb so she’s at risk. The midwife has said shes ready to come any day now (despite not being due to 2nd December) and this is obviously bad as she isn’t ready and it could lead to a lot of complications for her and her survival rate is low. She weighs a pound. Do you know what a pound is? A guinea pig. My baby niece is the same size as a guinea pig. After this news to be honest I felt devastated. I hope and pray that she’ll start improving or if she comes into the world, she’ll be a fighter, and healthy and alive….its the not knowing that gets me…

Wednesday 26th August

Didn’t start as bad as yesterday, I woke up with my cat snuggled into my side purring. Such a relaxing sound. I went to the gym and walked my feet off. I went to slimming world and got weighed and discoved I’d lost half a pound! Yay. But something has been bugging ,e for a while now, the dull ache in the back of my head, the one that flares up sometimes with pain so bad, I could cry and sqeeze my eyes shut because its unbearable to keep them open. Me being me haven’t thought much of it, well to today. After going at it at the gym for an hours, the dull ache started, I’d noticed even when it wasn’t aching, the place still hurts and is tender at the touch, I haven’t hit my head or anything as I recall, so thought it best to book in at the doctors, let them poke it a bit, tell me it’s a migraine and give me some painkillers sorted….Wrong. I rang up and told the receptionist about it, and she said come in now. So I did. Waited saw a nice nurse, we had a chat, asked me a few questions and all that, then she said let’s do your blood pressure as this can affect it. Took it. Its fine. Perfect even. Okay, she had a feel of it, no marks, no bumps nothing. Looked puzzled, said she’s off to fetch a doctor. Okay…slightly panicked. Doctor asks a few questions, said how long been going on for ect. Told her a little while but didn’t think much to it, you know, just didn’t pay it any attention. Okay, well we don’t know what it is either, it could literally be anything…I felt so sick. They gave me a slip and sent me to hospital to get blood tests done (10 different tests on it like) and told to book in an emergency eye appointment and if they fine nothing wrong to come back and be referred to a neurologist and brain specialist. One word….Terrified. when it comes to your head and the doctors want to send you to a brain specialist, what do you instantly think of?? Brain Tumour. I cannot tell you how sick and scared I currently feel. I’m trying not to think of the worst, but it creep back into my head and starts the What If game. I don’t know what to think, I’m way too scared to type it into google and see what it come up with. The brain is a precious organ and as dramatic and drama queen as this sounds, if it is the worst case scenario, I don’t want to die. I’m 25, I haven’t even began living yet. I don’t want this. I regret not telling anyone sooner or doing something about it. I really do. I am so scared, I feel so on edge. Now to play the waiting game. I’m hoping it won’t need to go past the opticians, and it’s just my eyes needing new lenses, but as the Doctor and nurses haves said, it’s a strange position on my head to have pain. (two inches above my right ear spreading across to mid-way) I don’t know what to think, I just now have to wait and see

Love MJ xx


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Enlightenment-2 years staring me in the face

Dear Fusionists,
For about 2 years now I have hade this quote tattooed on my arm. I look it it everyday countless times.but today is the first day I read it properly.

“Life isn’t about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself” -Walt Disney

I don’t need to find myself, I’m already here,I know who I am I just need to create the person I want to be. Right? My main issue with life and living at the moment is why? What for? There are some things I want to do but the main question that is asked from the moment you’re old enough to make sense of it is, what do you want to be?

I have over a long period of time panicked myself into careers as I always believed the close is against me need to pick now or the world will end and then what? I don’t need to decide at age 7 or 11 or 18 or now at 25. There is no rush. I need life experiences and to create the person I feel I am and want to be. My 13 year old self with ambitions to be a writer is a mill times different to 23 year old me wanting to work with animals. 25 year was lost. Was trying to be someone I’m not and hated every moment. I like my quirks. I like being OLD and having gremlins. I like that I care more for animals than people. I even like my irrational fear or moths and after a long time of self loathing finding things to like about yourself is incredibly hard.

Self creation is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. It not about the looks, the hair, make up, tattoos and piercings. It’s what makes you You. Like I love Disney, I hate moths, I love cheese cake but hate sprouts. May sound simple but when you’ve moulded yourself to please other people you lose sight of you and what you truly
like. I remember a time I forced myself to like a band just to keep up with conversions and stuff where as in reality I hated them and that style of music. Now I realise I don’t need to change for my friends to accept me. It took many years to discover what having true friends was like and how you’re allowed too be different. You’re allowed opinions and to dislike something. Now I’m glad to say I’m slowly accepting me for me.

So as ever fusion stands and will remain a record of my self creation. All my hobbies and careers and training and dreams. Something I’ve not had for a long time. A dream of a brighter future, something to work towards,  to fight for, to love.

I love my fusion blog. I don’t know what I’d do without it :)
Love MJ xxx

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