Day of the dog


Dear fusionists,

Sorry I’ve not posted for a little while. I am sorry to say Tess went to sleep on November 6th. As much time has passed since then, the wounds are still raw and the tears still fall every day.  I read online a way to feel a bit better is to write a letter to them…so instead of my normal post, this is for Tess, The world’s greatest dog, my best friend and saviour. I don’t know what I am going to be without you…

Dear Tess,

You have been my best friend for over 13 years now and I am heartbroken you are no longer here with me. I miss you so so much the pain feel is so intense I don’t know what to do. You were my comfort when I felt bad or sad. You were the one to come running, lick away the tears and wag your tail and all of a sudden all the bad feelings were gone. Who’s going to do that now? I feel bad a and sad now and have nothing but your sweet face in memory for comfort now.

We had many adventures in our time together and I wish I could remember every single one.  I remember our long walks and swimming in the river. I remember playing in the parks and taking you to a shopping centre and telling the guard you was my guide dog. We were both a lot younger then.  I remember taking you on holidays because the thought of leaving you behind was agony. Once we left you at a kennels for a night for my uncles wedding. I cried that night because I missed you. I skipped school the next day to come and get you back.

You came into my life when I was turning 13, just before. I came home from my first ever camping trip and I felt so lonely. It was the time I realised I didn’t have any real friends and the times when school was around it was long and painful broken up with library trips and books, to you came along. I remember the first time I saw you, and you came home. I remember taking you in my arms so small and sweet and you licking my face. I remember giving you your first meal with us and playing with you in the garden. I remember introducing you to Spooky and how scared you were of the spitting fluff ball. The first night now so long ago still is so fresh in my mind. You woke me up, crying; I scooped you up in my arms and took you to bed with me. You slept by my heart all night and we got in trouble with mum the next day, but that was your spot every night after.

I remember your love for hair bands and you stealing them out my hair when you could, and that you loved books as much as me (eating them) I remember all the times we were foodies together and shared so much bad stuff together.  We grew together and learnt together. you were a really clever dog. You were loyal and trusting and looked out for me. You used to meet me from school and we’d walk home together, to we moved and then you waited patiently by the window for the school bus, I can still see your wagging tail and excitable yaps.

You saw me through school, college into my working life. Even when I had a bad day I was always happy to come home to be greeted by you and the million kisses you gave to everyone because you were kind and gentle like that. You watched us as a family grown and witnessed various cousin grow up, and eventually witnessed when my niece came into the world and then my nephew. They loved you too even though by this time you began feeling old and tired and children became too much, but you always had kisses for them.  You were my gentle caring friend when I lost my own daughter.  You sat with me for hours and let me cry into your fur into sleep came, and when I woke you were still there, Your big eyes and loyal heart was always selfless. You loved us so very much.

Tess I want you to know, we love you. We love you so so much and we miss you more and more every day. You were my first ever dog and I am so lucky to have met you. You showed me so much about myself and I am grateful to you for all the love you shared, the joy and comfort you brought so effortlessly. I Love you,, you will forever be my best friend, my comfort and my guide in life. You will forever be in my heart, You weren’t just a good dog, You were the best and I could never imagine my life without you and at the moment everything is a struggle, I keep calling you and looking for you. I know if you could come you would. I know now you’re watching over me and waiting.  One day we’ll meet again and that time we will never have to say goodbye,

Good dog Tess, always and forever Good dog. xxxxx

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No Words…

Dear fusionists,

It has been a couple of weeks since I last wrote. I have been busy but I have also had some bad days…many more in fact but the most gut wrenching pain and sorrow in my life right now is my dear dog Tess, is very ill and this week could be her very last week with us. How do you put that in to words? thoughts actions, anything? someone who has been there for me every single day for 13 years, who has loved me and been happy to see me, looked out for me, been on a journey and so many adventures with, wont be here this time next week.

Just before settling at my laptop to write this I had to carry my beloved upstairs to settle on the bed, her back is currently pressed against my knee, these is such a norm thing I cant imagine my life without it. Tess is my first ever dog. I wanted a dog for as long as I could remember, my first word was dog, and even though now I am probably more a cat person, my heart still belongs to this mutt that fell into my life and all the love and kindness she’s ever given.

I do not want to lose the best friend I have probably ever had but if she is suffering and in pain I will do what’s best for her as much as its going to hurt me. So this week I’m granting Tess 7 wishes.  A kind of doggy bucket list and a way we can have some final adventures together and who knows if she perks up and decides now is not her time, well we’ve just hung out like good old times.

Tess’s Wishes

Being my dog Tess has always been a foodie, so a lot of this will probably be food related as her illness restricts her movement and getting around.

  1. Have a McDonalds Burger or 3
  2. Visit Hubbard’s Hill and sit and watch the ducks
  3. Have a steak (its on me bud)
  4. play with bubble wrap as much as wants (favourite thing ever)
  5. Have an early Christmas (Tess loves Christmas, not just for food but for opening presents and stuff, I’m sure we can do something!)
  6. Go on a car ride (simple but she loves the car)
  7. See all the family, Tess loves us all and its rare that we’re all together at home now only for special occasions. It would be nice if everyone came to see her and only her.

I’m going to record as much as possible Tess and her wish list, I hope for some miracle and my bestie wont have to leave me, not yet anyways.

Thanks for reading,

Thank care,

Love MJ xxx


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Not Everyday day is a good day

Dear fusionsits,

I wanted to write this post while I’m in this kind of mood/mind set. over the last week I’ve had a few implications aimed my way implying I do not have depression as recently things have been relatively good. Am I not allowed to get well? do I have to walk around with a black cloud never my head to be the image of depression? maybe like always its a front?

No, to be honest it hasn’t been a front. I’ve actually for about a month now felt pretty depression less and its been pretty damn good but as from the title I can point out, not every day is good, and today is an example and I can tell you, nothing has set this off, nothing has put this thoughts, feeling or anything into action it just happens. this morning I felt it as soon as I woke up. I love my library job and all I wanted to do was sleep and be ‘ill’ and to be left alone. Uh-oh. I felt like crap. I felt drained, like even though I’d slept pretty well I hadn’t actually slept at all, and the alarm was an evil villain who just wanted me to suffer more than I already was. I go up with so much struggle, got ready with the movement of a snail woken up from a coma and plodded to work. well, I was locked out. fine I can deal with that, my little depression voice telling me it was deliberate and couldn’t help being that twitch hurt but very quickly recovering kind of feeling. (the thing is when depression starts talking, and you hear  the sting of the words every tiny thing hurts you even if its unintentional-as we’ll get to in a bit)

I wait outside texting my friends to open hours and greet my fellow work colleges and we talk about the weekend (even though its Tuesday) and  catch up. I have to explain my new hair cut and blue hair which is fine then I find out we have a new guy…started the day before, is younger than me, and is allowed to basically do anything I am not and work with who I am not and well today, took my work. I know that sounds petty and probably stupid but when you like in a small town with limited work and a small library, well, I felt even more crap. I get along with a lot of people at my job, don’t get me wrong but I know there are a couple that I don’t appreciate my services and choose to ignore me but that’s fine, I kind of got landed with them and got all the crap jobs that no body wanted. I got to clear up after Saturday, all my usual work was given to the newbie, In my depressed state I felt really unwanted and un needed. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, I tidied the window display and spoke to no one for the first ever time since being there. it was horrible and you could tell they were struggling to find me stuff to do, I just went home early in the end.

I actually went out with my brother his fiancé and my nephew, but even then I had a few moments then, mostly I was able to relax and breathe and concentrate and block out depression but some times it broke through I got the feelings of ‘you’re in the way’ ‘you’re unwanted’ just shit. was happy when I got home. I sorted the pets out climbed in bed caught up with the weekend TV and taken tablets. Hoping tomorrow isn’t another one of those days, but I just wanted to write about it and say, not every day is good, I do  still get the bad ones, the negativity is still there, I am allowed to feel happy and I am allowed to feel depressed, I am allowed to feel the way I do and no body is allowed to tell me differently.

I have in my mind had a rubbish day and thinking about it does make me want to crawl into bed and sob, maybe I’ll do that, but I’m allowed. I’m allowed this once. the bad days do come around, it doesn’t mean the good has stopped, I still want the same things.

Anyways dear fusionists, thank you for sharing this moment with me

take care

Love MJ xxx

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Turning Point

Hello fusion friends

Well after what only and be described as a weekend of wonders I am at a huge turning point in my life and today I am feeling it and I am all excited and all doubtful and a ball of panic and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH all at once if that is possible!! I feel sick, (I haven’t got a clue if that is the new tablets) or if it’s the thought that within the next few months I could be going thought the process and what people say ‘following the dream.’ WHAT!? following the dream? you can actually do that?? it’s actually a real life thing you can do??

yes for once things have been really good for me, I have been happy, not scary clown happy, genuinely happy smile on your face trah-lalala type happy. ITS REAL. I have work placement I am loving. that I can enjoy, that is different, that I can laugh, and be a child and talk to people and not be told off at, I work at a library. I get to be a child…I actually have permission! its amazing. at the moment I get to star wars my little heart out. who else gets to do that at work!! I mean I get to draw, colour, make STAR WARS STUFF including lightsabres and I get to play with them after. for reals. one of the creative genius that work here has turned a bin into a R2D2. I WANT HIM SO BAD! I have my nerd officially on this week. and I have permission to war my star wars t-shirt to work and say ‘my the force be with you to my fellow nerds and geeks!’ technically this should already be my dream job, half way, I would stay if I could but alas I cannot!

This weekend I visited my first university. (I should add, I have stepped inside a university many times but this time it was for myself) and I enquired about the counselling course for next year. to my great surprise I LOVED it. I thought going BACK to the same place I hated when I went to college was a bad idea and the same hatred would arise and the feeling if hopelessness and BLAAHHH but it didn’t. I loved it. I loved the course teacher. I loved the building, the loved the counselling study rooms I loved the library and more importantly I can see myself studying there in the future. The tutor was impressed with he way I have gone about taking a level 3 before apply for the level 4, she expressed how she hoped to see me at the interviews, and I hope I’m there too. this morning however I have spent time looking over the finer details of things given my current situation and again its nt been too bad but looking over the UCAS and deadlines and student finance my little mind had switched to a happy panic. so I’m taking a break ignoring the huge letters saying PERSONAL STATEMENT and writing to you guys about progress.

Also I would like to tell you about the rest of that day. Becky my beloved best friend. whom I love with everything I possibly can, came with me. obviously. she is my rational thinking when my mind turns to mush when it often does in those new scary situations. So after the uni thing we went for lunch and to a movie. was fun. as always. we always have fun. always. after the film (the Intern- GO AND WATCH IT IS AMAZING!)  we were stuck as what we usually decide to do is take a random drive. last time we ended up not too far away at a kind of seaside resort and played on the arcades. there we discovered, Becky has a talent for that ball ring toss game and I’m good at beer pong and we’ll both be screwed if a giant snake and a group of spiders attacked us…so anyways, that night we ended up in Skegness….In a Chav Den…in her little car…listening to Celine Deione…yep that happened. I still laugh thinking about it. I think Becky would rather forget :D

Anyways guys, hope you all have a great week and I’ll write back soon,

Love MJ xx

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The Monday after the night of the spontaneous bonfire

Good morning dear fusionists!

Last night as you can guess from the title (after I watched the rugby) I had a spontaneous back garden bonfire, and said goodbye to all the rubbish that has built up and stopped me living in the NOW. It was a great feeling. Goodbye all the users, the mood hoovers, the negativity, the doubt, the people who drag me down, the ex’s and those people that aren’t worth my time and inner celebrated the ones I’ve loved and lost. My granddad, my daughter Olivia and my little Lottie and Spookie (who visited me in dream last night). It took hours but I did it. I got rid of all those reminders, packed away and going to seal the box with all my previous journals in a dn going to now live my life how I want. I’m going to do the things I want and save for the adventures and objects I wish to possess. I cannot wait to begin!

My excitement at the moment is building mainly for Halloween. I have always loved Halloween. I have no idea who, it think it’s because I can celebrate being different without for once being judged and I do love this time of year. Last night was the perfect night to have a bonfire, a chill in the air, a light mist settling in, oh my it was amazing. Ideal time to say good-bye demons and welcome the new me into the now. The me that is going to fight for what I want, to do what I want and the me that has finally be able to accept myself for who I am and realise you don’t need other people to make your dreams a reality. All you need it the willpower to fight on. I do.

I feel like I’m in a good place at the moment. I feel positive. I have a job I love, im studying something I’m interrstied in. I got a car last night (well its shared) but it’s still a new adventure. I’ve got London to Brighton coming up, I’ve got a university open day next week. I am buzzing with all these positive vibes. And it’s a new month next week. need to pick something to do different through out again lol. Next year is going to be my biggest adventure yet for what I am currently thinking about but this is something I do not wish to discuss on my blog just yet. Soon though.

What have you done to symbolize a new chapter in your lives? How did it make you feel? Right now I need a shower as all I can smell is ash in my hair and to finish packing up the past and continuing into my future. Oh the feels!!!

Thank you so much for sharing this life journey with me! I love my dear little blog, I never knew after almost two years of writing it I would still go back to it. I’ve tried blogging in the past but all failed.

I cannot wait to share many more adventures with you guys! Take care all

Love MJ xxx

‘Life isn’t about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself’

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Dear fusionist,

Hello all, how are you this chilly September evening? I’m sat lounging on my sofa with my fluffy purple blanket watching Shrek sipping a coco with marshmallows. (totally a rock star at 25!) And as you can guess the diet isn’t on track if I’m having marshmallows with coco. Oh well I’m HAPPY!

I cannot remember the last time I was truly satisfied in my life, I am happy, i’;m not just saying it, I actually feel it. things are relatively good at the moment. My family are good, my mum has started her new job and is loving it, it gives me more alone time and me time, which I admit does get boring but is highly required if you’re like ma and as temperamental as a racehorse. my OCD is extremely happy too as we get to arrange, tidy, clean and organise as much as our little heart desires. (its so much easier if no one else is underfoot!) My brother, usually the bain of my life is doing well too (for once).  he got engaged to his girlfriend and I couldn’t be happier. (do you know how hard it was to keep that a secret!) the ring, I give him props, its beautiful!  his finally getting his priories together.

And that’s basically what this is all about. my beloved counsellor has ALWAYS repeatedly told me to ‘do things for myself’ meaning basically sort out your priorites YOU COME FIRST! so that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve taken time away, left everyone to their own devices, took a backseat to everyones problems and put myself first and this is the results:

  • I have a better relationship with my family. we communicate more about important things.  me and my brother are closer than ever, we hangout a lot, talk and text all the time and I love having his around. We talk, go out, play video games, its like repeating our childhood the way it should have been (without all the arguing, fighting and squabbling.
  • I’ve given people who take an interest in my life and care more attention and dropped those people in my life who ‘Mood hoover’ (a fabulous saying from my counsellor to describe people that suck all the happiness out of you) and my social life maybe busy but I have brilliant relationships with all my real friends.
  • I have found my calling in life, enrolled in a university course and arranged open days, qualifications a career plan ALONE. I know what I want to do, I know what I need to do and I know what I’m going to do. I am so determine t5o make this work I study daily, to the early hours of the morning.
  • I’ve done something I’ve always wanted to do and I LOVE IT! I volunteer at the library twice a week as an IT support assistant and do what ever else is required of me. I LOVE IT! its me down to a tee. I love books, I love children, I love organisation, I love technology and I love helping other people!!! ticks every single box! I work now Tuesdays and Thursdays unpaid but again happy.
  • I broke up with my now ex. things weren’t working and it became a drag and I felt too guilty to do it to start with so in the end I thought about it and my happiness should come first, even though he wasn’t happy, but it helped my low mood life considerably.

there are probably more things but I cant think of them right now (Shrek and donkey have just got to Duloc and is about to do that singing thing…love this bit). my best friend got some good news today too. she got a new house. its beautiful and its exactly how I picture my first family home. a proper cottage with the land and the slate floor and the beams, huge family rooms with cottage doors. oh my I love it. am so and happy for her and her husband the kids. they are going to love it. A lot of positives in life at the moment. I do still come across negativity, like people insulting you but that’s for another day. Happy right now and no ones petty comments are going to drag me down! I will show you. I swear I will show you what I can do and will achieve. might not think much but trust me you will….that’s all I’m saying.

Thank you each and everyone of my dear readers for you constant support on this blog. I am still testing with the Vlog but its a bit fun! I hope to write back soon! take care all

Love MJ xxx

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September…How I love Thee

Hey fusionists!

Finally September has rolled around. I don’t know why but I LOVE September, I get really hyper and happy, and I love the feel of the chill in the air and the leaves start falling and bonfires and all the goodness that comes with winter to soon come about!

Had a ok week, lets start with he important bit. I had my eye test and my sight hasn’t changed at all really, if it was a percentage it would be like 0.0001% or not even that, so the pain in my head remains a mystery. back to the doctors next week to have my referral to a neurologist. again, I’m not really worried, just going to go with it and see what the future brings.

Secondly, I start college in two weeks! I have settled to become a counsellor, the more I think about it the more I feel excited by the idea of it, I’m hoping to go Grimsby University to finish it next year and then finally have a decent career in place. So to celebrate my new found career prospect, I have been stationary supply shopping, a bit Over the top but love it. must have got like 4 note books, highlighters, folders, organisers, I was so happy when I go home I seriously wanted to roll around the floor hugging them all. amazing YAY.

As September has come around and lest be honest right now I do have a lot of time on my hands I have decided to take on a few challenges for 30 days. The first is being to Vlog. Now I will be honest I haven’t Vlogged every day as I haven’t had a decent camera and technical difficulties but today and tomorrow I am going to make up the difference and then try and vlog every day for 30 days. The Vlog is on YouTube and is named the same as this…Fusion1 if you guys want to see go check it out! and secondly my other challenge is getting up early everyday. Oh my life its not as easy as it sounds, 5 days in and I’m sick of it, if I have to wake up to the banana splits ‘Tra lalala’ song anymore I will throw my phone, but I am finding my time is more organised through out the day, I don’t have to miss things out just but having the extra two/three hours in the morning, I will endure it to October. I have some more challenges to try. Its on the bucket list now to try 30 day challenges through out a year so if you guys have any suggestions please do comment or message me with them, would love to try some!

And I think the last thing I really have to report to you guys is I’ve got a job. It was weird really, I went into the library to see if my books for my counselling course had come it and I came out with a job (and I forgot the books!) I am for two days a week an IT trouble-shooter. I help people at the library use the computers check emails, reserve books and computers and that kind of stuff, its not challenging at all which to be honest right now I need as with everything else going on in my life I don’t need to add more. it will be nice to meet people and help them and hopefully make there computer experiences a bit easier. I wont like, my anxiety is a bit high thinking about it all and I feel sick but all I can do is try my best really. :D

as its Saturday I’m going to have a bit of a lazy day, I want to make note of some now vlog ideas and challenges hopefully me and( Becky if she’s interested) have a go at doing. Hope you guys have a great weekend what ever your doing!

Don’t forget, Life isn’t about finding yourself its about creating yourself. BE YOU!

Love MJ xxx


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