AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Dear fusionists,

I have decided Sundays are the best blogging days. Every Friday evening I now spend with my minions (the nephew and niece) who are growing up so fast its scary! So have moved weekly blogging to Sundays.

This week has been quite un eventful really. ( as far as I know) I cannot remember much of it. (I wish it was an intoxicated forgetfulness too, at least it would be a bit more exciting than this Dory from finding Nemo one!) I’ve spent a lot of time with the Minions as I mentioned, they are growing up fast. Dexter now speaks so well and has already moved passed the nickname of ‘Maroo’ and is calling me ‘Marie’ which saddens me so I have to be the bad auntie to stand there and confuse the poor child and argue, ‘No its Maroo, Maroo, Not Marie!’ where all this time we’ve been teaching him vice versa.

Baby Voldemolt, Now officially been sorted into Gryffindor (so no longer Voldemolt) Ariana is 2 whole months old! WHERE HAS THAT GONE?! she is smiling at me and already trying to answer me back with a variety of grunts and squeaks a baby can understand, i pass them off as civilized conversation but I know she calling me names really by the way she looks at me. its all in the eyes, she not silly that one!

Unlike me, I attempted to put up a shelf this week, what an epic fail that was, don’t tell anyone, the only thing I managed to do was ring my brother to come do it and download a spirit level app onto his phone, but this shelf has a name and a unique purpose in the ‘White’ House and all my friends and work colleagues find this hilarious but in my head this is logical, so see it my way. My new shelf if named Dobby.

Dobby the House Shelf.

This is because…

A. I loose everything at the moment and a house shelf/elf would be very useful to keep all the loose-able items such as keys, purse, cards, remotes, etc. on and in one place, if I had a House elf, he/she could bring me these lost items with my undying gratitude.

B. I cant have a house elf, so a house shelf is the next best thing…so I have a house shelf and not a house elf.

so, what else has been happening, not much really, I wanted this to be a happy post as recently they seem to be slipping back into moaning and groaning ones and no one likes those really do they and its not what I’m about but I am fed up at the moment, I’m not sad, well I am (HOW COULD THEY CONSIDER A LABYRINTH REMAKE A WEEK AFTER DAVID BOWIE HAS DIED? HOW COULD THEY???) but I am just plain mad. I am sick of my ‘Friends’ Lying to me, I am sick of my ‘friends’ pretending to be interested in my life when lets be honest they couldn’t give a crap, if you are going to be a part time friend, GO AWAY I don’t have time for those kind of stuff, if I have said it once I have said it a thousand times! I really hate part time friends. I am not bending to anyone’s rules this year, I am not dropping my stuff to help anyone else and am not going out my way to help anyone when no one cant be bothered to help me. Selfish? yes. for the first time in my life I am going to be selfish. I want to be, I am allowed to be. I don’t want to go out, I don’t to go to see that movie, I don’t want to go there, I don’t want to go to your house, no means no.  Today has been one of those stupid days I’ve let someone get under my skin and it wound me up and made my head pound to the point I feel sick.

Great.

This isn’t how I want this post to end…..

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“Always”

Dear Fusionists,

I’ve broken my ‘every Friday’ rule every Friday thus far. I think I will have to change the day. I can’t even remember if I set a day it’s been such emotionally challenging week. Not only the loss of my Goblin King and musical genius David Bowie but now the Legendary Actor Alan Rickman.

I was having lunch with my mum celebrating the end of my MRI scan when the news popped up on my phone. My joy quickly evaporated into heartbreak all over again. Professor Snape. As a die hard potter fan felt the instant loss of a great. I loved alot of Alans work. I loved him in sweeny Todd and as the caterpillar in Alice in wonderland and of course his role in love actually. So many roles. I admit so many I haven’t seen but now I will be so happy to experience.

This week hasn’t really been about me. It has been challenging. It was my MRI. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever done and experienced in my life.amd I think waiting for these results is going to make the whole thing worse. The pain has been awful has week. The grief has been worse. But growing up and releasing this is going to happen more and more is the worst part of it. Two of my favourite artists have already left this world. Not leaving many left behind. I will carry their memories with me wherever I go and watch and listen to the legacies they have left behind. But right now I am going to do what humans are allowed to do. Grieve.

I’m wearing my Harry Potter Tshirt Expecto Patronum. My Gyffindor Hat, (sorry Slytherin) headphones in listening to “Blackstar” thinking of a happier future when a cure for cancer is a possible thing.

Rest in peace Alan Rickman xx

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‘Its Only Forever, Not long at all’

If anyone knows me , they know I do not hero worship. I used to when I was a kid but I grew out of it but one person stayed with me throughout but I never shared it with anyone. As I sit and type this inside my heart bleeds as he died yesterday, I mourn alone with thousand of others. Yes, I loved David Bowie. This may come as a total surprise to many that know me, as many may not know this about me.  Yes I loved him. a lot. More than a lot. I have all of his albums, know most of the songs inside out word for word. Labyrinth is one of my all time favourite movies. and inside my head I married Jareth and became the goblin queen when I was 12.

I am disappointed at the moment with people jumping on the band wagon, pretending to know him, pretending to like his songs and know what he was about. Erm…Do you even know who Ziggy Stardust is? have you listen to his albums full blast while walking home in the rain? have you listened to Life on Mars on repeat for 8 hours because it makes more sense to you than anything else that day? sure that doesn’t make you a fan but it just bugs me people are out to exploit someone who was special to a lot of people. I went charity shopping today and a lot of people were in there rummaging the record sections and CDs for Bowie Albums, wanting to make a quick buck. If you were a true fan of the artist you’d already have the albums. Sickening. Why does tragedy bring out the best and worse in people?

I  bought Bowie’s Newest album ‘Blackstar’ when it was released. Obviously I couldn’t do this with his other albums I’m only 25 but ever since I discovered him I have set out and collected his music myself. That’s why I have always loved him. I found him. He was never forced on me as a child, like Elvis, or Michael Jackson, or those others, he showed me its okay to be different, and imagination truly has no age. I was terrified of the Goblin King as a child and fell in love with him as I grew up, its my go to movie now and now sat here listening to ‘Magic Dance’ it brings tears to my eyes.

Speechless.

Sad.

Very sad.

I love you Goblin King. xx

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Adviod, 2016 the darkside you must. Yes, hmmm.

Happy New year Fusionist!

Wow! 2016 already! I am buzzing this year (day 3 and so far nothing too bad has happened apart from a mild accident with the cat the laptop and almost losing a tooth…I will tell you in a minute) but its all good. Feel very positive and I have to say this. HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW STAR WARS? OMG!!! No spoilers but OMG!? so off to see it again and I must I mean MUST get a BB8 droid from somewhere, I need that cutie roaming around my house with the cats and the antelope (not that I have antelope.)

Christmas was good and was new year, I have spent it was family, the parent (mother) the brother, the sister in law, the kids (minions AKA Doodles and baby voldemolt or baby Churchill depends how louds she’s crying at me or how cute she looks) yeah was pretty sweet time. I’m not going into detail how spoilt I was and how Disney and cat obsessed I am but nearly every thing I got was either related to Disney, cats, or minions. (would never guess this year I’m going on be 26) hehe.

The days in  between I honestly couldn’t tell you what I did, I know one of them was watch the awesome movie with my friend Vicki and chock on popcorn and cry at the awesomeness that was STARWARS (I can only now apologise if you do not like these movies as this maybe mentioned a few times throughout, please don’t hate me, I am a mere noob) Ermmm…..A lot of my time I spent home, its been nice but also very quiet now I lack the presence of a dog in my life but the wild ‘kitten’ known as blue makes up for the silence with allot of his epic fails. I don’t think he was meant to cat, or he skipped school, or he slept through it all. he is 9 months old and can’t Jump. Honestly q cat that lacks the ability to jump. Raised by otters? Possibly?

I have new obsession along with those of the Jedi. Warrior Cats. I have not lost it yet and unlike Sheldon I haven’t been tested and nothing has been proven (yet). warriors by Erin Hunter. Why and where was I when these books were released? I would never have heard of these if one of my favourite Youtubers Radio JH Audrey hadn’t mentioned them. I got the first one on kindle read the entire thing and now questioning my own cats…I know what Elmo does when his not home. Blue is a Coward…Bandit is Anakin Skywalker…I will get to this in good time. Warriors. Wow. Cats, that fight wars basically. cat wars. warrior cats. awesome. my inner nerd loves this. Elmo would be a seasoned Warrior now possibly trained an apprentice or two or possibly be a deputy. I LOVE THESE BOOKS. I bought the entire collection of fifty something on Ebay, I cannot wait for the postman to get here next week. Christmas part two, but into he gets here I have also been getting them on kindle and  TAKING MY T-I-M-E reading them….I’m on book 4 I started them New Years Eve. Hmmm.

So what’s in store for 2016 then?

well unlike every single year this year I wanted to set REALISTIC goals. I mean realistic so I can actually achieve them so by the end of the year I wont feel like a total twat and want to go and crawl away and cry!! theses are not resolutions either, these are personal aims and goals for me to work towards, no pressure, I have an entire year. I can start and finish them when ever I choose as long as its within this year.

  1. To finish my Level 3 Counselling qualification
  2. Lose a stone in weight (not dieting though)
  3. Read 30 books (this may change as the way the warrior books are going LOL)
  4. Blog weekly
  5. Vlog
  6. Complete some more of the bucket list
  7. Finish decorating two rooms on my house FULLY

Right now I’m happy concentrating on getting on track this year, getting things done and into place for my MRI in a couple of weeks and hoping for the results we need to get the right medication. did I tell you guys I have a pill box now? haha I feel old. I helps though and it reminds me what the day is without looking at my phone like 30 times!

I like for now on updates are now going to be Fridays! Fusion Fridays! so this my the one off! hope you guys enjoy the rest of your weekend and if your back to work/school this week have fun and I will speak to ya’ll Friday. cant wait guys! take care!

Love

MJ xxx

PS. why is Bandit Anakin Skywalker and how did you nearly lose a tooth?

Yesterday, on my tradition and to keep the OCD gremlins happy I cleaned my house with my headphones in (listening to the new I Love Disney Album…Lush) anyways, Bandit, my delightful Black cat has recently become rather clingy decided hey lets scare mother. while I was hoovering, blurting out my rendition of ‘its a small world’ bandit jumps out from under my bed like some sick version of the bogey man,I step on him makes me totally panic as I’m wearing my docs and I fall spectacularly backwards, hear a voice (like Obi Wain) Don’t hit your head turn to avoid hitting it and end up smacking my mouth against my bedroom door. My cat, meows then runs away. I’m not sure if his a Luke Skywalker or a Darth Vader.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

 

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December Blues

577965Star_Wars_Darth_Vader_Merry_Christmas6325PopDear Fusionists,

As this month continues to roll on in to a new year I wish I could report joys or happiness as the season and giving befalls us! Nope.

I must begin though, with the good news that my beautiful baby niece was born, Ariana White, 6lbs 5oz came early into the world on the 21st November at 6.05am. Oh my am I proud and in love with her and of course my Dexter Doodles. Am one proud auntie and I .love my minions dearly.

my life has been pretty good I suppose, I have kept a harmonious balance of all aspects of life really well, I haven’t had hardly any depressed moments, all my worries (main ones) have been dealt with I am now ready for the new year but alas there are always draw backs! As you may recall from previous posts my health to do with my head, about having pains ect. well since I last wrote and its been a while well I was put on epileptic tablets as the doctors thought…

a. I had too many electrical charges in my head

b. Developing Epilepsy

c. suffering from tension headaches

Okay so about two months later I have returned to them, with no improvement, they have looked at me rather gone out like its my fault and doubles my dosage. these tablets don’t have the best side affects, not only do they GIVE YOU DEPRESSION but they make you so drowsy and tired all the time its like they want you to sleep through what ever the problem is (25mg to 50mg twice daily). so I’ve carried on, nothing has changed, to be honest things have gradually got worse, and I cannot blame the side effects og these tablets. I feel like I have dementia. or something like it. Its so scary. its frustrating as hell, when you know what you want to say, what you want to say but you’re brain just wont let you, its the most annoying thing in the word and when you’re friends don’t get it, or laugh or correct you or yell at you its crushing.

I went back to the doctors again with this ‘new’ information (even though I’ve been telling them for months now) I have been told I need a MRI and to see a Neurologist, my brain isn’t responding correctly the way it should, the pain where I get it is directly located to the part which controls memory and stuff. They have told me it could be a tumour. it even said it on the letter I got this week.  I’m not scared, as I said, it would be nice to go a day without experiencing pain in it, I would be nice to have a normal mine and not have to ask the time 50 times a day or be reminded things all the time or be like dory from finding Nemo.  I don’t want to have days when I wake up and I cant move my fingers or look at the sky because I get so dizzy, I don’t want to have days I have to ring my mum because I cant remember how to spell my own name and it scared me (that happened last week) I hate that this thing is happening to me, I hate my friends think its such a joke  and don’t get it.

I do feel a lot of anger right now and i’m not afraid to admit it, I’m looking forward to Christmas but probably for the wrong reasons (that I don’t have to see anyone I don’t want to) I feel limited right now to what I can and cant do, I can barely hold a pen and type so writing on my laptop hasn’t been very easy and you can probably tell my vocabulary is more limited than usual. I am sick. Part of me cant help but think of all the realisty of it all,IF they do find something and IF they cant they cant do anything about it, this could be my last Christmas with my family, and my mums working, my brother is with his fiancés family, I’m going to be alone for most of it but I don’t mine that I like it. I might not see Ariana’s first Birthday. I might not reach 30. What the hell.

sorry this is a morbid post, it wasn’t meant to be. I am actually looking forward to the new star wars and peanuts movies and eating my weighting in hero’s and jelly tots. Guess what? I openly started my advent calendar today…who got 18 chocolates muhaha! tip for you all. its worth waiting for, daily, its not as fun!!

if I don’t post before I hope all my loyal readers have a very merry Christmas and Happy Holidays whatever it is you are doing!

Take care guess, I’ll be back before new year with a cheerier post (sorry!)

Love MJ

xxx

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Day of the dog

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Dear fusionists,

Sorry I’ve not posted for a little while. I am sorry to say Tess went to sleep on November 6th. As much time has passed since then, the wounds are still raw and the tears still fall every day.  I read online a way to feel a bit better is to write a letter to them…so instead of my normal post, this is for Tess, The world’s greatest dog, my best friend and saviour. I don’t know what I am going to be without you…

Dear Tess,

You have been my best friend for over 13 years now and I am heartbroken you are no longer here with me. I miss you so so much the pain feel is so intense I don’t know what to do. You were my comfort when I felt bad or sad. You were the one to come running, lick away the tears and wag your tail and all of a sudden all the bad feelings were gone. Who’s going to do that now? I feel bad a and sad now and have nothing but your sweet face in memory for comfort now.

We had many adventures in our time together and I wish I could remember every single one.  I remember our long walks and swimming in the river. I remember playing in the parks and taking you to a shopping centre and telling the guard you was my guide dog. We were both a lot younger then.  I remember taking you on holidays because the thought of leaving you behind was agony. Once we left you at a kennels for a night for my uncles wedding. I cried that night because I missed you. I skipped school the next day to come and get you back.

You came into my life when I was turning 13, just before. I came home from my first ever camping trip and I felt so lonely. It was the time I realised I didn’t have any real friends and the times when school was around it was long and painful broken up with library trips and books, to you came along. I remember the first time I saw you, and you came home. I remember taking you in my arms so small and sweet and you licking my face. I remember giving you your first meal with us and playing with you in the garden. I remember introducing you to Spooky and how scared you were of the spitting fluff ball. The first night now so long ago still is so fresh in my mind. You woke me up, crying; I scooped you up in my arms and took you to bed with me. You slept by my heart all night and we got in trouble with mum the next day, but that was your spot every night after.

I remember your love for hair bands and you stealing them out my hair when you could, and that you loved books as much as me (eating them) I remember all the times we were foodies together and shared so much bad stuff together.  We grew together and learnt together. you were a really clever dog. You were loyal and trusting and looked out for me. You used to meet me from school and we’d walk home together, to we moved and then you waited patiently by the window for the school bus, I can still see your wagging tail and excitable yaps.

You saw me through school, college into my working life. Even when I had a bad day I was always happy to come home to be greeted by you and the million kisses you gave to everyone because you were kind and gentle like that. You watched us as a family grown and witnessed various cousin grow up, and eventually witnessed when my niece came into the world and then my nephew. They loved you too even though by this time you began feeling old and tired and children became too much, but you always had kisses for them.  You were my gentle caring friend when I lost my own daughter.  You sat with me for hours and let me cry into your fur into sleep came, and when I woke you were still there, Your big eyes and loyal heart was always selfless. You loved us so very much.

Tess I want you to know, we love you. We love you so so much and we miss you more and more every day. You were my first ever dog and I am so lucky to have met you. You showed me so much about myself and I am grateful to you for all the love you shared, the joy and comfort you brought so effortlessly. I Love you,, you will forever be my best friend, my comfort and my guide in life. You will forever be in my heart, You weren’t just a good dog, You were the best and I could never imagine my life without you and at the moment everything is a struggle, I keep calling you and looking for you. I know if you could come you would. I know now you’re watching over me and waiting.  One day we’ll meet again and that time we will never have to say goodbye,

Good dog Tess, always and forever Good dog. xxxxx

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No Words…

Dear fusionists,

It has been a couple of weeks since I last wrote. I have been busy but I have also had some bad days…many more in fact but the most gut wrenching pain and sorrow in my life right now is my dear dog Tess, is very ill and this week could be her very last week with us. How do you put that in to words? thoughts actions, anything? someone who has been there for me every single day for 13 years, who has loved me and been happy to see me, looked out for me, been on a journey and so many adventures with, wont be here this time next week.

Just before settling at my laptop to write this I had to carry my beloved upstairs to settle on the bed, her back is currently pressed against my knee, these is such a norm thing I cant imagine my life without it. Tess is my first ever dog. I wanted a dog for as long as I could remember, my first word was dog, and even though now I am probably more a cat person, my heart still belongs to this mutt that fell into my life and all the love and kindness she’s ever given.

I do not want to lose the best friend I have probably ever had but if she is suffering and in pain I will do what’s best for her as much as its going to hurt me. So this week I’m granting Tess 7 wishes.  A kind of doggy bucket list and a way we can have some final adventures together and who knows if she perks up and decides now is not her time, well we’ve just hung out like good old times.

Tess’s Wishes

Being my dog Tess has always been a foodie, so a lot of this will probably be food related as her illness restricts her movement and getting around.

  1. Have a McDonalds Burger or 3
  2. Visit Hubbard’s Hill and sit and watch the ducks
  3. Have a steak (its on me bud)
  4. play with bubble wrap as much as wants (favourite thing ever)
  5. Have an early Christmas (Tess loves Christmas, not just for food but for opening presents and stuff, I’m sure we can do something!)
  6. Go on a car ride (simple but she loves the car)
  7. See all the family, Tess loves us all and its rare that we’re all together at home now only for special occasions. It would be nice if everyone came to see her and only her.

I’m going to record as much as possible Tess and her wish list, I hope for some miracle and my bestie wont have to leave me, not yet anyways.

Thanks for reading,

Thank care,

Love MJ xxx

COOOOL DOG

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