April LOVES

Not had such a good time recently, My beloved cat Bandit has been missing for three weeks now, finally got a clear result of not pregnant, which I wasn’t what I wanted and was a bit gutted, depression has reared its ugly head again and started planting seeds of doubt ad despair. Just not felt too good as you can imagine. So I decided to write about what I’m loving at the moment.

Thirteen Reasons Why *Contains mild spoilers*

I finished watching the series on Sunday and was left wowed. Towards the end of the series the episodes portray ‘issues’ in a gritty life like way making you feel what the characters were feeling. I wasn’t expecting this at all despite the ‘graphic content warnings’. The series really didn’t disappoint. I loved the way it showed what happens to the characters and how listening to the tapes had effected them and how Hannah’s suicide took a toll on her parents. I loved how such a taboo subject was shown how it really is. I’ve been there myself and remembered all the feeling Hannah was feeling (obviously not for the same reasons) I remember wanting to make a change in my life and get help but being too afraid to. There has been news of a second series, I can see how this would carry as Hannah’s parents took the school to court and we never really hear a result about who won, and it would be good to see what happened to Bryce and Jessica and of course Clay and Skye. I highly recommend the series to anyone but warn those who have self harmed or attempted suicide it may be a bit triggering.

13reasonsposter

Retro Gaming

I’m not the biggest gamer on the planet, unlike the boyfriend, he has them all. I’ve been gaming about a year now on consoles now I own a few. Recently I have been playing a lot on my game boy colour (Pokemon Yellow) my PlayStation one (Spyro) PC gaming (The sims 1 and sims city) and now after a bit of thought I bought a Nintendo DS lite. I used to have one when they first came out but it broke. I found this one in a charity shop for £10 and bought Nintendogs £1.50 and have been playing since. I also used to have this game. I used to love it. I have the Labrador and friends edition and had a chocolate Labrador called Jake for about two years. This time I have the Dachshund edition and a Husky called Daisy (came with the game and didn’t have the heart to donate the dog) and my Golden Retriever Jupiter. Its a great little boredom no brainer game. Its actually helped me relax a lot better than trying to shoot things on Deadpool and collect Lego bricks in ALL my Lego games. (oh so many-thanks to my boyfriend!) I cant actually play my Xbox 360 at the moment as I’ve lost my charging cable and its on batteries which rinse within and hour of gaming. Its annoying too as I have a few games I’ve not even tried yet like Epic Mickey two and Lego Batman. Ugh.

20170410_203649

Unicorn cup and crusha Shakes

obsession is an understatement. My mum got me this cute cup and all I want to drink out of it is milkshakes as it looks so pretty and colourful. I’m not a pink person but my favourite is strawberry or raspberry crushas. Yummy!

20170410_203553

Pop tarts

Taste amazing, look amazing. Life feels better with pop tarts in it. (these are the chocolate hot fudge sundae ones. Where have they been all my life.

20170410_181848

Harry Potter

No matter how old I get I still worship these books. There is nothing like them on the planet. They are defiantly my go to books when I feel rubbish and losing myself in honeydukes or in a defence against the dark arts class. Also was the release of the fantastic beast movie. My boyfriend got me a niffer funko pop and I love him, and we’re going to the Harry Potter studios next week for our 6 month Anniversary!! wanted to go forever and even though we booked this ages ago I never believed we’d go but its like 8 sleeps and I’m so freaking excited! In preparation to visiting the studios I am re reading my favourite books and re-watching my favourite movies. I have my Harry Potter T-shirt at the ready and I’m looking forward to going!!

Fidget Cube

20170410_204754

I have seen these things popping up everywhere and after reading up on them bought one. I love it. Yesterday I took a bus trip (which I avoid like the plague) as its an anxious situation I hate putting myself in. always feel anxious on buses given we live in the middle of no where and if something went wring (hundreds of possibilities) we’d be stranded or whatever. Obviously this didn’t happen as I am home writing this now but the trip was pretty painless given I hate the little cube in my hand. What a difference. Its such a good distraction for the mind and the hands.

It has six different faces for different types of distractions

copied from fidget cube leaflet

  1. Breathe- say goodbye to stress. The design of this face is inspired by traditional worry stones tools used to reduce anxiety when rubbed

  2. Roll- the gears and the ball on its side are all about rolling movements (with the ball supporting a built in click feature)

  3. spin- looking for a circular fidger? Take this dial for a spin

  4. click- No need to click that pen any more. you’ll find 3 clicker buttons and two silenced buttons on the side of this design to satisfy the clicker in all of us.

  5. Glide- you don’t have to be a gamer to enjoy this satisfying gliding action of this joystick.

  6. Flip- Pivot this switch back and forth gently if you’re looking to fidget silently or quickly for a more audible click.

20170410_203714

and Finally…

Audible

some times I struggle getting through books, especially if my mind is else where so I took out a new subscription to Amazons website audible which allows me to listen to books anywhere. I have a book on my phone I am enjoying at the moment called ‘The school of good and evil’ its like being a child again having someone read to you. Reminds me of sleep overs at my nan’s house. Happy thoughts. I also find it handy to listen to while I’m writing or journaling or doing housework, out and about or just chilling.

jacket_1_2D_300x4501

So that’s my Loves so far this month. Anyone else tried any of these or share similar loves this month? Do share, I love reading other peoples.

Take care, hope you all have a great day.

Love MJ xx

Posted in blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Thirteen reasons why

13reasonsposter

OMG how excited  was this morning  when I turned on Netflix to put something mindless on in the background to discover…low and behold….THIRTEEN REASONS WHY IS FINALLY AVAILABLE TO WATCH!!! based on the epic book by Jay Asher I was thrilled and excited to see one of my favourite books turned into a series. I loved this book from the moment i read it. dealing with depression myself I was happy to discover a book based on the subject and why someone what get as far as taking their own life. its very thought provoking.

Now 2 episodes into the series I am not disappointed in the slightest. it has stayed true to the original novel and given extra insights you don’t find in the book, like how her parents deal with Hannah’s suicide and searching for answers. The entire subject is handled incredibly well. am well and truly hooked on the series!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1837492/videoplayer/vi1969862169

Check out the trailer here!

sorry its a quick post but wanted a quick rave about how awesome this show has been! read the book too. you wont be disappointed

will catch up with you all soon

Love MJ xx

 

Posted in blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Having a ‘Me’ Night

eu_batb_flex-hero_header_r_430eac8d

Love this movie, makes me so happy!

Since I last posted I have:

  • Learnt 281 words in Italian (so far)
  • Gained 2lbs (HOW?!)
  • Levelled up on Disney’s magic Kingdoms game to level 30 and almost completed the Beauty and the Beast event (just waiting on Gaston)
  • Seen the new Beauty and the Beast movie twice.
  • Bought the soundtrack
  • Memorised all the songs
  • Broken up with James having imaginary arguments in my head around 30 odd times….why? I don’t know…
  • Celebrated my brothers 29th birthday. Yay you!
  • Have peed approximately 10-12 times today alone. It is 5.30pm UK time
  • displayed every symptom of pregnancy listed on every baby website ever and still get a negative result- conclusion, my body hates me so very much…

I am a bit down today as I write this, its a weirdly hot March day and I’ve not long got back from picking Dexter up from nursery and delivering him home like a good auntie. I don’t really feel social, I feel incredibly emotional, my boobs hurt, have stomach cramps, I’m so tired and in a very snappy whinny mood but I still get a negative result from a pregnancy test. Ugh WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? You honestly don’t realise how much you want sometime to you’re in a way denied it. I want a child. My body is saying yes the tests saying no….ugh depressing.

I’ve decided to have a me night, where I turn off my phone and concentrate on myself, where I’m going to eat chocolate and ice cream in my PJs and binge watch Jane the Virgin on Netflix because I want to. And when I run out of that, re watch the walking dead with candles lit. ITS ALL ABOUT ME! I need cheering up. No ones about tonight, my nephew didn’t want sleep over, my best friend is picking her grandparents up from Heathrow and like I said I don’t feel social with anyone else. I really don’t.

I really wanted James to pull a sicky from playing dart tonight. He wont. Darts come first, as well as a million other things. I shouldn’t really say that, he is a really good boyfriend, honestly the best I’ve ever had ever! Just at the moment the distance between us feels like its getting more and more and the time we get together is shorter and shorter and its like I’m booking an appointment to spend time with my own boyfriend. There are times I do believe its best we’re not together and should call it a day because its so hard sometimes. Seems to be only me feeling it though. Its okay at the end of the day, he does something every night his back home, plays darts and pool and I sit and home not wanting to disturb him because his busy but missing him like crazy to the point I go to bed crying.

I felt like I needed to write, It lonely sometimes. I now everyone wishes at one point in their lives to live on your own, be independent, have your own space. The novelty quickly runs out and boy do I sometimes wish I could ‘go home’. Not possible. Everyday is a battle. Everyone I know is doing something awesome this year, be a holiday, going somewhere, doing something and there me, had to cancel all my plans as I cant afford anything right now. My house comes first and to be honest it really sucks. I’m not even doing anything for my birthday this year, no ones around, the boyfriend has his son, my best friend is on a hen night, my other best friend has kids and no one else has the cash/wants to. Another lonely birthday at home. I do wonder about my life.

 

Wow this is getting depressing very quickly. I’m heading to the freezer and grabbing my ice cream and putting Netflix on. Should I google ‘how to cure sadness?’ Is there a cure? I doubt. Write again soon. Sorry about the rambling post.

Love MJ xx

 

Posted in blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Things got too much….

tumblr_mt2me4otZl1rvfh0po1_r1_1280

Sorry I’ve not written in such a long time, today is literally the first time I’ve felt like sitting down with the laptop to write. I need to vent, I have so much in my head right now I don’t know what to do with all the thoughts and the feeling and its in a way painful.

For the last 3 months life has been full on, had a lot of things to balance out or at least learn to and I wont lie I have struggled. I haven’t been in a relationship for about 5 years so five months into the one I’ve realised how time consuming it is. Not that I’m complaining, I Love James a lot and our relationship is strong, even though we’ve had a couple of hiccups and the distance thing is getting to be an issue but we’re working on it together.

With spending so much time with James a lot of other things have suffered, like my blog, my time with other friends which hasn’t been a bad thing but I had upset a lot of people. I was worried I was losing my best friend in the world Becky, because I hadn’t seen her so much and I felt bad for it. It got me down. Really down. I felt like gaining a boyfriend I’d lost everything else. Which obviously isn’t the case. Yes some people have gone because they couldn’t be happy for me, which is sad but the people still in my life are the ones I know I’ll have for a long time ahead. Just had a lot of stressful times.

My Current worries:

  • I’m wasting my life: Counselling didn’t work and now I don’t know what to do with my life, I really want my own business but learning and starting a business you need money, something I don’t have, I feel so stuck right now.
  • My relationship: This is not such a big worry but there are time it is. I know what I can be like, all my passed experiences with ex’s tell me what I’m like and how annoying and that I can be. I don’t want to ruin this. Its on my mind 24/7 not to screw this up in a typical MJ way. I get too close to scare myself and say and do something stupid and feel guilty then start pushing them away more to save myself more hurt than someone else. I’m kind of in the pushing away stage at the moment, I keep telling myself James can do better, he doesn’t like me really or I’m really not good enough it doesn’t work…where as in reality it does work. Its worked better than any relationship I’ve ever been in. He listens, he actually cares about what I say/do/ feel. Its weird sometimes because again not used to having something so good.
  • Missing loved ones: In December as I write previously My uncle passed away. I haven’t grieved at all. I missed the funeral and just carried on as normal but I think now its catching up. For the last two weeks I have missed My grandparents, Olivia and my uncle more than anything. I miss my Nan and being able to talk to her about everything. I miss my granddads advice about life, I miss my daughter and I wish she was here with me every day, I didn’t miss my uncle to recently when I thought about all the things we’d done together, in my mind he was still here with Sonny, cooking curries and laughing life’s worries away. I wish I spent more time with him. Isn’t it funny we wish things when its too late.
  • My health (physical): it has been awful. I’ve had a stomach biopsy this year and on tablets and its no the life I lined up for myself. My weight disgusts me and so does my fitness and I want to make it all better. I have stared and am determined to keep at it. I’ve started zumba classes and dancercise, I’m starting yoga for relaxation along with meditation to help with my anxiety next week. I’ve also started healthy eating a lot m lore and knocking the binge eating off. When I’m stressed or down I’m leaving the food alone and finding something else to do, mostly my Journal (I’ll get to in a minute).
  • My health (mental): I’m scared of getting to depressed again that everything stops like it did before. I’m worried that when I get that’s urges to self harm I’m going to give in and start again. I’m worried that when I want to give up I will make it happen and ‘give up’. I don’t want to take my own life. What a waste that would be but when that darkness sinks in and its all you can think about and you believe it is the best option…what do you do? I cant talk to people recently which I regret, that’s why I’m blogging, had this stuff I cant tell James or Becky or the hobbit, Ellie, work friends, Louise or family. I just can’t. What would they think of me? I’m weak? Why would they want to get wrapped up in this AGAIN? Its not fair on anyone. Meditation should help, well I hope
  • Pregnant? Its on my mind. Its possible, but most likely not to be. Its a worry. Its something I wouldn’t mind, but its something James doesn’t want. I’m doing a test next week, either way I don’t know how to feel.
  • Family: I don’t feel as close to my niece and nephew as I have been. I love them so so much, I really do but I don’t want to be around the kids when I feel like this. Its not fair on them, especially when I feel short fused, snappy and sad. Its not fair on them. I miss them so much.

I cant think of anything else right now, so I guess that’s everything that’s bugging me day in and out. More some than others. I think you can guess which ones rule my mind more. Its not all been bad though. Had a few good days out. Valentines day was good, our first one James and I shared. I’ve been and seen a few good movies, Lego Batman movie, Fifty shades darker, hidden figure and plan to see the new Beauty and the beast soon. we’ve booked in to go the Harry Potter studio next month and I cant wait really. Something to look forward to. We got a hamster too. Her names Cleo. She’s that little bit crazy that she’s ideal for our little fuzzy family.

I’ve also found a new way to journal which has been helping me relax and reflect a lot better. Its a mixture of normal Journaling, Bullet Journaling, Art journaling and a little bit of wreck journaling. I love it and find I have been more creative and able to organize and record things I’ve needed to easier than keeping a journal before. Its not full of negativity or bad memories, its bright and full of ideas and things I love. I want to share some things on here soon. So if you’re interested keep an eye open.

I’m going to try and Blog more, I’ll try going back to once a week and build it up. It was getting too much adding all these ideas and things I don’t truly enjoy. Small steps, like with everything else. Small steps. Thanks for reading

Love Always

MJ xxx

 

Posted in blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

2017…so it begins

What a start to the year. What can I say. Two weeks into this new years and already I failed most of my aims, by laziness, technology fail and negativity.

Firstly, my write daily mission has failed, but I suppose I can start it from today and end it this time next year, same with the 365-day photo challenge, my phone broke, I put it one charge and when took it off the port was still connected to the charger, basically have had an entire week without a mobile and I won’t lie it’s been murder. Living alone my own I rely on outside contact with humans via my mobile and not being able to talk to people when needed was hard and the loss of my apps is always tragic. My worst nightmare is getting a new phone as sad and shallow that makes me sound.

What have I been up to these last two weeks? Nothing. I won’t lie. It’s been a slow start. I’ve been at work doing the usual computer stuff, thought about being a graphics designer on the side of work but I really can’t be bothered. I have no motivation. I feel ill and should have gone to the doctors this week but again passed because I really didn’t want to. Leaving the house isn’t something I want to do now unless it’s to work or my mothers. I have had the worse diet ever these last two weeks and am fearing for my heart. Detox and diet and exercise start tomorrow morning 6am sharp.

It’s like I’m beginning this year two weeks too late. Had a few moments with James where things have been iffy but now we’re ok. I don’t know what’s wrong with me either, I am an emotional wreck all the time. Is that the depression?? Literally can cry at anything right now.  Freaked out a bit last night as James joked about pregnancy and what we’d name our poor poor children and what he’ll sing to me in the labour room…. all highly inappropriate. He is officially barred from naming anything ever.

This coming week is going to be a bit mixed. I have house guessed coming soon for ten days and I don’t know how to feel about it. My house is small, and in the next coming weeks it’s not just going to be me, the dog and two cats. James, his 3-year-old son and Newfoundland dog are coming to stay. I’m a little worried. we’ve had a 4-day weekend together when I won’t lie I wasn’t at my best, but this time it’s for longer and I’m a bit scared. I LOVE Rowan and Ozzie and obviously, my weirdo boyfriend but it’s kind of a test to see if we could love together. 10 days is a long time. I have a party one night and feel bad going out and leaving rowan and James but I might need that little bit of space to relax and have a little me time. Going from all me time to having none is going to be a difficult adjustment. Hope it goes well and we don’t end up falling out.

*sigh* have house work to be getting on with but think I’m going to play the sims instead…

Take care all

Love MJ xx

12940124_1728293604107806_711474315_n

Posted in blog, Weekly Round up | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When times are hard…

yesterday I was supposed to write about something that I don’t really care very much about so it didn’t end up getting posted at all already breaking the 365 day blogging goal I’ve set myself. Instead of admitting defeat I wanted to explain why I struggled.

Yesterday I had what I class as a bad day with James. Every relationships have hiccups and and his was our first it sounds so pathetic to an outside parry but ro is it was a biggish thing that effected us. It started Tuesday night. I fell asleep on the sofa with headphones on early evening. Then I woke up in the worse panic. I’d had a nightmare, my headphones had wrapped themselves around my face and I was pressed against my sofa where I never really sleep. The nighto are it’s self was still real and continuous a d so was the pain. The feelings this nightmare brought with it was a crushing pain of loss and hurt. I was crying and fighting the sofa and the headphones in this crushing pain wondering what the hell was happening and is it true?

Next thing I know I had strong arms around me and a familiar voice breaking through the panic. James. It took a few moments to come around the pain easing the panic fading cuddled against my mister. Usually I’m alone when this happens. It takes hours for calm to return. In a matter of minutes cuddled with James I felt better. Safer. I was shaking hard. He brought me and drink and stayed close. Then I released he was here. Early. He usually arrives around 7pm but it was 6.10pm. After a few more minutes feeling exhausted we settled into quiet talk.

The evening went fine but that nightmare stayed with me all night to the next morning. James is stopping smoking. As expected he can get snippy and Wednesday was no exception. 

Three things happened yesterday that built up to us having our misunderstanding.

1. He told me to stay home where I always go to work with him in the mornings.

2. He had a little dig that I have games and things from him on tab.

3. He mentioned that things we do like going out will have to be cut back because he couldn’t afford it.

After the nightmare I took this more than I should of. They hurt felt accusatory and made me feel like a huge inconvenience on his life. Anxiety was awake and ready to play on the negative thoughts swimming around my mind. Which they did. I convinced myself he  doesn’t want me and all this other stuff. Which made for a bad day full of negative thoughts feeling and actions. I avoided him most of the day in fear I would annoy him more. He asked what was up and going against everything I usually do we talked about it.

Best thing I could have done. He explained things in better terms. Less snippy. I told him I felt bad about things and he made it better in a way only he could. He listened and understood and said all the right things. He stayed with me after work and treated me better than any man ever has. I am so lucky.

That evening he rang me even though he was busy and made sure I was ok. I have never had someone care about me the way he does. Never. He manged to turn something bad in to something better for me in a way I can’t for myself .

living with anxiety is hard. Especially when you have other people in your life and sometimes little things get blow.out of proportion. Instead of keeping it to myself I ignored anxiety and spoke up. 

I feel much better. Don’t suffer alone. There is always someone out there to listen. I’m lucky tohave my mister and the amazing friends I do.

He spoils me 💖

Box of chocolate and a new kindle. 

I love him.

best wishes 

love MJ xx 

Posted in blog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Gamer girl- sims city Build it!

Omg am I addicted to this game! Released in 2014 this mini version of the popular game sims city has reach over 10 million downloads. I love the sim games and was excited at the the idea of playing this as i totally by passed the city games.

This game consists of a variety of mini tasks to make your city run smoothly as well as improve the happiness of your residents giving your town more unlock able items. My favourite one so far has to be the donut shop! 

Build factories to make the supplies to upgrade and build new buildings. Factories produce steel, wood, seeds, chemicals and fabric and foods, but be careful not to build residential homes near the factories, it will decrease the happiness of your sims!

Factory materials supply local stores such as the hardwarestore, garden centres and fashion store to produce more items to help expand on your city. More items are unlocked as you level up.

All your built items are stores in the city storage unit. But be warned there is only a limited space. Unlock special items to.epand your space to increase the city storage space.

Your city’s main concern is proving your sims everything they need to keep them happy. Build power plants, choose from wind and coal plants. Each have a different effect on your city’s happiness and supply. 

Water is another need of the city. Build water towers around your city to provide a residents with a clean supply.

With water comes sewage. Build sewage plants but not too close to residents astou may find some unhappy occupants. If a sim becomes too.unhappy they may leave or abandon their homes and more to another town.

With every city comes rhe need of emergency services.Build police stations, fire stations, medical centres and many more more to ensure your sims remain safe and happy. These buildings cover various ranges. Each building will highlight areas covered green, those who remain red will not be in recipient of the service! Sims may become unhappy or move if a service isn’t provided!

As well as earning money from upgrading buildings and taxes, the city has its own market where you can sell and buy items with other players. I enjoy this feature as I like visiting cities and seeing how developed some are. 

Above is where you decide what it is you want to sell and the value of it. Below is the global store where you can can see what items other players have for sale. It is refreshed every 30 seconds.

Some service sims around the city may wish to buy items these will appear in the form of a speech bubble. 

Overall I love this game not just for the sims aspect but for the creativity of it. Over time you can build a full city with everything you need but still.have something to do..I find this game highly addictive and enjoyable.

 5 out of 5 download your city today!

available free on iTunes, Google store and Amazon app store!

Posted in blog, Gamer girl | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment